Hi GC,

Thank you for making such a great point, there have been some very supportive posts already. All I would add is, that if it is creating too much of a strain on both of you, it would be easier to address this now before it takes its toll or before it's too late. It's easy for hubbies to concentrate on the practical side of the relationship - providing and not the emotional side x

Hiya
There's a really good book exactly on this subject called 'How to get to 50:50' have a read of that.
Personally I'm back at work full time after second maternity and wouldn't change it for the world, even if I didn't have to work but that's obviously a personal choice.
Good luck

If you want to volunteer and make friends at the same time join the wow mums ( women of wandsworth) we organise a lot of things for our children, the community and go sometimeson night out . We are friendly and help each other with babysitting and childcare. I have been volunteering for them for the last 7 years. There are few films on my website about our group. Feel free to have a look.

I was also lonely when I had my son but now I am very active and also started my own business with the wow mums support. They are meeting next Friday.

Wow mums website is www.wowmums.org.uk and they aralso have a group on facebook.

Next month we will have the opportunity to see the royal guard parade for the queen's birthday and we are taking our children to Devon in July.

Sandra

I visit my husband at work for lunch or coffee and we talk on the phone for quick chats which helps?

It is pretty awful isn't it? I found it much worse when I was at home on mat leave than I do now back at work. However I am the one who had to take a career "side step" and deals with all the domestics/childcare etc as well as working purely as I am home of an evening. My husband works all hours (home at 2am last night! so I can hardly expect him to get up with the kids at 6am...) but for him, he wants to succeed and be fulfilled in his career (as well as provide the money for the life he wants his children to have) so it is what it is at the moment. Generally, despite wobbles, I take the view that it is a bit of a first world problem - yes I get lonely and fed up but there is no point letting it get me down, we have a nice life and he is a kind man trying his best. I just make sure I have some nice things planned, get to the gym whenever I can, have no qualms booking babysitters to go out to see my friends and am crossing my fingers for a work free weekend.......

I can't bear it, I just wrote a lengthy reply and somehow have lost it….

But I basically wrote that I totally know how you feel. I don't normally comment on threads but had to on this.

My husband has a very busy and stressful job. I am a stay at home mum with 3 small children and a dog! He has certain times of year when he works all hours, never knows when he is coming home etc etc, stumbles in for a brief snatched conversation before disappearing before I am awake. But he is doing it to provide us with the happy home for our children to grow up in.

However, luckily for me this is not all year round but enough! He also does a fair amount of travelling. (a few years ago he spent nearly 4 months out of 6 abroad (a series of trips)… that was a particularly bad time!) The problem is with men particularly if they work in client facing industries like my hubby - they are at the client's beck and call and deadlines are deadlines and everything else gets dropped.

We get frustrated by lack of time together, we talk about it, and have agreed unfortunately that we just have to grin and bear it and enjoy the downtime when we can.

For me, I used to get very lonely in the evenings - especially when he was away so much but I basically cope by keeping myself busy doing stuff with the children, seeing friends etc during the day so if I am on my own during the evening, I've at least had some adult conversation during the day. A part time job is a good idea if it works. You don't say how old your children are?

I recently joined a book club which is great, as it has got me reading again but also means I have a nice evening to look forward to.
You say everyone is so busy that organising stuff during the week is tricky. But I've certainly found that if I plan a few things - everyone likes an excuse to go out for a drink. A couple of times Ive invited a few girlfriends round for a nice supper. People love being asked and it cheers up the week no end.

Just a few little ideas, please do send me a message if you'd like to chat more. I have 2 good friends whose husbands are lawyers and we are all in the same boat. But the majority of my friends don't get it (husbands home for bath time etc!) so having someone to talk to who does - really helps.

Not sure if I've said anything remotely useful, my first draft was much more coherent! But I really wanted to say you aren't alone - there are plenty of us work widows out there.

Good luck x

hello gamechanger,
you say you are lonely but at the same time that you have planned your dream retirement and you can afford not to work.
it sounds to me like your husband's long working hours are providing for the whole family to live comfortably without any worry and that alone should be some comfort.
don't be so sure that you would be happier with someone who shares your interests if it meant you had to work as well and still take care of the family, you would still be knackered at the end of the day.
enjoy what you have and life will be much easier.

Would be great to work but our kids still need me quite a bit! I am trying to get into some volunteer work, i just feel like I make all the decisions and am responsible for everything and I feel frustrated that my marriage is not a partnership. It is the opposite of what I dreamed of when I was younger, I thought I'd marry someone creative who I could share everything with. On days like this I just wish I was married to someone else who really could share my life and interests. But I love my husband!! We've already planned our daydream retirement, with a house by the sea and a dog!!

Sorry to hear you are feeling so lonely. It is possible your husband cannot do much about his working hours, regardless whether he wants to or not - and it sounds like he provides a good living, for you all to enjoy so there is a pay off I'm afraid. If changing that dynamic is not going to happen, would you consider a part time job, volunteer, join some groups - find something to give you your own goals and purpose? There is lots you could get involved with, which would widen your circle of friends, contacts and at the same time, you could be doing something for yourself, your family, and be a great role model for your children in ways you perhaps hadn't thought of before.
I am a working mother, and I love it. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have that - and no, I wouldn't spend all day cooking, cleaning and arranging kids activities! Life has much to offer - I hope you find your thing!

Am married to my best friend but he works incredibly long hours. I go through periods when I feel strong, connected to my other friends and my children and their lives, but every so often I have a wobble and I feel incredibly lonely and fed up with being responsible for almost all of our home life.

We are comfortable, we have an au pair, our kids are happy in school, but I just wish my husband had more flexibility. Everyone is so bloody busy, I feel bad asking people to do stuff during the week. Last night I went to a book signing, but couldn't meet my husband afterwards as he was too busy. Depressing to be in town but with no one to meet !

I just have this longing to be married to someone who can be present when they are home, at the moment he gets in, eats and goes to bed. We briefly catch up on our day but because he's been gone so long, i feel disconnected and then disinclined to chat.

How do you deal with this? My husband is basically a workaholic, am doubtful he will change. When we have proper time together we have fun and we love it. but there is never enough of that time.