Thanks so much for that, it's just what I needed to hear. I'm sure it'll be tough but hopefully more than worth it in the long run.

Thank you for posting.

2 years 4 months is our gap and it's worked out fine. I found it hard work starting around 7 months (when she could crawl, and start grabbing his toys) but shortly after she started walking confidently (12 months) their relationship started to go from strength to strength. They love each other (most of the time!) and are starting to be able to play with each other. My son goes to nursery 5 mornings a week which gives them a break from each other too.

So yeah - hard work for the first year or so but it's getting easier as the little one grows. Her first laugh was sparked by her big brother, as most of her laughter is, and I'm starting to be able to sit back, more hands-free, to watch them play. I don't regret this age gap at all and hope you find it as lovely as we have

I've just been re-reading this post avidly, desperately hoping to find someone who says that 2 years 4 months is the ideal age gap!

Ah, the best laid plans... After swearing for a year now that a 3 or even 4 year gap is what I want, mother nature stepped in and decided my second is now due to arrive this October instead.

Which is great news, of course. And I've come to the conclusion that every child handles becoming a sibling differently so I can't predict what will happen, so no use worrying.

I'm about to have a 5.5 yr age gap between mine. My eldest is at school, and is very excited about the prospect of a new arrival so far (as are most of her friends ..... having a girl first perhaps makes this easier ?). So I'm thinking I'll get baby-time whilst the elder is at school, and less jealousy / more help - optimistic ! I'll let you know ...

I'm in denial about school holidays when I'll have both children with me , and I do feel almost like a first time mother again as it's been so long, but I am looking forward to doing it all again. I've had a few years of career and some sleep to refresh !

However, I think the larger age gap may get more difficult as the children get older, as they'll each be wanting to do different 'age appropriate' things, and may well be going to different schools for a period (secondary and primary) - so the logistics of that will be interesting.

So, maybe a 4 to 5 yr gap would be my ideal. Having a baby as soon as my daughter started school felt a little mean though - a bit 'one out, another in', so I waited.

Oh that's sad to hear, there's 3.5 years between my kids I hope they don't end up like that

My experience of having them close together meant that infant jealousy wasn’t a problem as they can't really remember life without their sibling, it is hard for the first few months but then it always is, at least you can all have an afternoon nap together rather than rushing out for the school run. Then it is much much easier for you as they get older. They will be able to do the same activities together, like learning to swim, riding a bike, etc this makes your life run a lot smoother as although they are at different stages they are still close enough to be able to have fun together, and their swimming classes etc will be one after the other. They will roughly be able to enjoy the same films, books, days out; therefore planning holidays is much more straightforward. Otherwise with a 3 year plus gap you end up with 'only children’. My sister and I had a 3.5 gap between us and never had a close relationship. What you do and are interested in at 10 is very different than at 6.5. And with us that has never changed. It is harder to be close to someone with whom you have very few shared friends or memories.
My son and daughter have 2.3 years between them have always enjoyed each others company making family life much easier. So from my experience I would definitely go for the smaller gap. Good luck.

As everyone has already said there is no perfect age gap; I have 4 children, gaps 17 months, 25 months, and 16 months, so there were 4 under 5 for two months, the oldest starting reception two weeks before the youngest arrived (2 weeks late!); to be honest I cannot remember how I coped with them, but we've all come through it well and they are now between 11 and 16 and are the best of friends and support to each other, having been there for each other through divorce, house moving, secondary schools and exams.
Whatever happens, enjoy your children because they really do grow up very quickly!

For what it's worth, there's a 6-yr age gap between my sister and me - didn't work for a number of reasons. My mother said what another post said earlier, the midwives all told her that with a gap that large her body had totally forgotten how to labour and her second birth was every bit and long and awful as the first (worse actually, with her being 6yrs older) As for the relationship between the sisters, it was fabulous for a few years as my six-year-old sister had a living dolly to dress and care for. As I grew older I became a thorn in her side. My mother would constantly encourage her to include me in her games and playdates, yet suddenly there was a cool 10-year-old with a pesky 4-year-old sidekick hanging on her every word. It got worse- there was a very cool 15-year-old being made to take her 9-year-old sister along when she went out for the afternoon with her friends. We've just about managed to salvage a friendship now, we're both in our forties, but it's still on very rocky ground. My husband is 4.5yrs younger than his sibling, again a very weak bond as they grew up rather separately.
I had read several times that 2.5years was the perfect gap. Any smaller and the older child has to grow up a bit too fast, any larger and the older child has been top dog (only dog) for too long and won't easily accept the newcomer. I have two boys 2.5yrs and one week apart, more from luck than science. I am thrilled with the gap. My older son has never had a jealousy problem and was thrilled with his younger brother from day one as he was old enough to understand (lots of 'baby' stories like 'There's a House In Mummy's Tummy, lots of telling him how lucky he is that mummy & daddy are giving him a best friend and the toys his new brother brought as gifts helped too!) He also had almost a year of breastfeeding and 2.5yrs of sole attention which I'm glad about and I think he's benefitted from immensely. My only sadness is that the way their birthdays work out, they will be 3 school years apart. You can't have it all!
Personally, I couldn't have coped with the chaos a smaller gap brings, however short-lived, but I know many, many people who did and are reaping the benefits now. Ultimately, I think we all make our gaps work in the end. After all, actively choosing the gap is a luxury afforded by very few. x

Glad it's worked out so well in the end for you, moops. You make a good point too - this is all assuming I can even have another child and be lucky enough to plan when I want it which, having had a miscarriage myself, I know isn't always the way.

Hi

I have a 3.5 year old and a 8 week old, I always wanted a small age gap but due to a string of miscarriages it wasn't meant to be. I have to say though that I'm finding it a lot easier than my friends with two really little ones. He understands a lot more and can help me get things etc plus it's nice not to have two in Nappies at the same time!

I was worried that they wouldn't bond as the age gap was too large but I now see that's rubbish as he adores her. I don't think I would have coped if he was younger!

Originally, I imagined we'd have a close age gap... then I had my daughter, and the reality hit!

Now she's 2, and we're not planning on #2 for a while yet, possibly not even until she's at school.

Different things work for different people, and of course circumstances, I've got friends in their late 30s who want more than 1 child who need to have them closer together, whereas I'm a bit younger, so don't 'need' (touch wood!) to have another so soon...

I just know that I (personally) would find two in nappies, a double buggy etc a nightmare. I also love the thought of being able to do all the 'first time' things with #2 (baby groups etc) that might be harder with a toddler. BUT I also know that having 2 (or 3!) close together has massive advantages too.

I don't think there is a 'right' answer!

I have 16 months between my first two girls, and although it was very hard going at the beginning as my oldest wasn't old enough to be left alone in a room by herself while I looked after the baby, it is now totally fantastic. They are the best of friends, keep each other occupied all day long and I very rarely have to intervene into what they are doing. It was very hard at the beginning and it wasn't until my second was 16 months old that I realised what a baby my first had been at that age. I remember when my oldest was 22 months I thought that would have been the ideal gap as I could leave my oldest in front of peppa pig for 10 minutes while I put the other one to bed. On the other hand another good thing about the short age gap is that I had nearly 18 months of them both napping at the same time for two hours every afternoon which was wonderful.

Having said all that, there will be just over three years between two and three. Number one will be at 'big' school, number 2 will have just started nursery for five mornings and I will be able to enjoy the baby and hopefully catch up on sleep during its morning nap. I most definitely wasn't ready to have another one so quickly and am really glad I have left it this long. I will just have to wait and see how it pans out!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi
I have a 19 months gap. The first 5 months were very hard but now I see the rewards (it started to become easier when the youngest started to sit up). They love each others, my eldest has no memories of ever having been on her own and when they play together I have can have up to 20 min on my own... which is luxury

I agree with the other mums under 18 months or over 3 years is easier. Sometimes I felt that a 15 months gap like my sister in law would have been a bit easier because the needs are not so different whereas my 19 months was started to become very independant, wanted to try everything on her own "my... my..." which took obviously 10 times more time!!!

Good luck

Hi again, sorry to bring this up again but I thought this was worth a mention! I was told the other day that apparently if you leave it more than 5 years between babies, your body forgets how to give birth - ie it's usually easier, shorter labour second time around, but not if the gap is 5 years or more.

And also, apparently if there's more than a 6 year gap then siblings are never in the same stage of life, even as adults so it can be harder for them to act like siblings; the older one generally behaves more like an extra parent or care-giver to the younger one.

Like I said at the start, I'm sure these are huge generalizations on a very subjective issue and I'm sure other people will have had totally the opposite experience.

Thanks everyone for your input. It's really interesting to hear about all the different experiences people have had. I wasn't so much asking for advice as to what I should do, I just find it fascinating to hear what seems to work well.

I think it probably does come down to how you handle it as a parent so if you feel ready for another baby, that's the time to have one!

And yes, I've seen that no matter what the age gap, it's harder with two!

I think I really want my son to have my undivided attention for as long as possible, although that then makes me wonder if he'll miss that attention even more when the next one finally comes along! No easy answers I guess...