Hi. Well done on your decision. I’m similar to SWLondonMum9 and am US expat here with my English husband and 2 kids. I’ve been here 20 years and we have also lived in the US together Pre kids. So I’m in the reverse living with parents and family/friends overseas. You’ve had a good balance on this thread and probably can’t offer much more but happy to offer a chat if you wanted one. Just PM me.
Good luck. I would say it’s great to live abroad once in your life at least and you get a lot out of it and agree you should take the opportunity if you can. But it’s not for everyone so just do what’s right for you. Also don’t forget - nothing is permanent so you can always change your situation if it’s not working but regret is a hard one to move on from. But do give it enough time- there is a whole mental process to go through and you want to make sure you give it enough time to adjust and enjoy!

We are ex-pats living in the U.K. with grandparents on both sides of the Atlantic. One set of grandparents moved to the U.K. to be closer to the grandchildren, but a great irony is that our children have a far closer relationship with the grandparents in the US than the U.K. As a previous poster said, because our visits with US based grandparents (whether in UK, US or an alternate destination) are always concentrated time together, they get to really be immersed in life with the children and the time is more meaningful. We FaceTime several times a week with them and the children (and grandparents) love it. On the other hand, we see the U.K. based grandparents about once per month for lunch or another type of day visit. We only occasionally FaceTime. Even the U.K. based grandparents recognise that, ironically in some ways, the distance has made us closer to the grandparents on the other side of the pond.

Good luck with your decision! Go with your gut instinct and make the decision that feels right for you and your family; not pressure or influence from grandparents or anyone else.

Thank you all so very much for taking the time to reply and in such detail. I am very grateful.

My husband and I have had many long discussions this week debating much of the things you have all said. The value of close relationships with grandparents, the fact that older people just don't like change and the fact that quality time with grandparents even if only for short periods often is plenty more than some families have at all.

I think that we have decided that it is mostly a case of the fact that they were just surprised to hear us say that we might go away and probably don't like change. We have worked out a plan of us all coming home once a year but then my husband coming a second time (not very sure how I will make that part just yet but I'm sure that we can) and then possibly trying to accompany them back to the States with him. We will see how it goes.

Thanks again for your replies they all helped so much.

Enjoy the sunny weekend xxxx

Speaking from the reverse scenario....I'm an expat from the U.S. who's been in London for 18+ years. I've raised my two boys here, far from my family back in the States. The life experience, like anyone's, has had both ups and downs.

On the plus side - it's been amazing to live in another culture (yes, though both countries are English speaking, they are very different in so many ways, both little and big), great to be close to so many different places (in the US, you'd have Canada and Latin America and S. America much closer), to enjoy career opportunities in a big market and to grow because of having pushed the envelope. On the negative side - it's been tough at times to be so far from close family and life-long friends through important milestones, like everything to do with the kids and all the big life events and birthdays/anniversaries.

Being in a different location has incentivised my family and friends to visit London, so I have seen many people here and had great opportunities to share a very different life with people I love. These life experiences have been priceless. I've been very lucky that my folks visited regularly and I made a trip home every summer so my kids connected to their U.S. roots (as, perhaps, you could try to do also?). I have made many local friends and international friends while here and my perspective has changed over the years. I see my home country and myself differently than I once did and all for the better.

Hopefully, you can determine what is most important to you. As many have said, if you choose to go, there is so much great technology for staying in close touch. Whatever you choose, just focus on making the best decision for you and your family. Good luck!

I lived in New York for two years as an accompanying wife (actually I was a girlfriend at the time) and although I couldn't work and gave up my career, I loved it. It was like being on holiday for two years. Admittedly we didn't have kids at the time, but in a way that would help you to make friends so wouldn't be a disadvantage. I think everyone should live abroad if they have the opportunity - it really makes you see the world with fresh eyes, so in my opinion you'd be crazy to pass up this opportunity. Our best friends (whom we met when we were out there) live on the East Coast of the US and I reckon when you add up the number of hours we see them we probably spend longer with them than any of our UK based friends! When I was a kid my grandparents lived in the North and we lived in the South so we only saw them twice a year - for a week at Christmas and a week at Easter. But that's still two whole weeks in their company, which is far longer than my in-laws (also in the Home counties) spend with my kids (although to be honest my in-laws aren't very interested in my kids!). Assuming you're going to a big city and not Nowheresville Nebraska, I reckon you will all have a fabulous time. Don't pass up the opportunity - you may never get another chance and you don't want to spend the rest of your life regretting not taking it. What's the worst that could happen? You go, decide you don't like it, and then come back. Get your in-laws up to speed on Skype or Zoom and they can see your kids every week, and buy them tickets to come and see you a couple of times a year. It's really not that far. Don't let your husband be guilt-tripped. It could be really bad for your marriage if he stops you going and you feel resentful. Good luck with it!

Hi, I’m an expat kid. Lived in the USA for 10 years as a child. Before that HK and continental Europe.

If you are given the opportunity to move abroad, seize the chance. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Your kids will benefit in multiple ways as will you and your partner.

I cherish so many happy, magical memories of long summer holidays in Europe and Christmases in London.

Yes, it will be hard for the grandparents and adjusting will take effort. But everything will become more manageable with time and there will be visits to look forward to.

How can they be angry and disappointed that their grown-up child and child-in-law are living their lives as they wish? Am sure that they brought your husband up to be adventurous, independent and resourceful. They taught him to fly so why clip his wings?

My long-distance grandparents were happy and fulfilled...and became close to me and my sibling, despite the apparent contradiction in terms.

I do remember my grandparents having lots of interests and activities, which most likely reduced the loneliness.

Do your in-laws have hobbies, a circle of friends and or a pet, without wishing to trivialise their situation? Is there anything they used to do that they could take up again?

I wish you luck. Don’t feel guilty.

We are expats and have been for the last 30 years moving between UK and other countries every three years or so. We have had time in the Far East as well as in various European countries. 

There have been advantages. Financially we are better off than we would have been had we stayed permanently in one place. Life style - housing etc has been massively better than we could have afforded in London. Our children benefitted educationally from their wide experiences and are fluent in a number of languages. They also have friends all around the world which has helped career wise. 

But the lifestyle has impacted on our relationship. We both had highly mobile careers and inevitably one or the other had to compromise if we wanted to get jobs in the same country, let alone the same city. How will that work with your partner. Will he be able to work at the same level in the US? Will his qualifications be recognised and will he get a work permit? If not, will he be happy to stay at home with the children? What impact might that have on his self esteem and your marriage?

While our children developed strong relationships abroad their relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were clearly different. Although both sides visited from time to time it is not the same as granny picking you up from school three times a week and regular play dates/ sleep overs with cousins which then transform into sibling type relationships. But that is also the case if you live at different ends of the UK so it is a choice. Also much depends on how close you are to your families. 

Do you have an idea of how long this move will be for? Is it permanent or a three to five year stint? Obviously a three year stint while your in laws are in their 60s is different to a permanent move if they are in their 80s. 

Also do make sure you have considered every aspect of the package you are being offered. Will it be an expat package with housing, education, health insurance and trips home included? Or will you be on local terms - because the difference is massive. 
 

Congrats! Yes, a difficult decision. We are Americans and lived in UK for four years with ideas of hopefully settling. One advantage I will offer is that when family is around the corner you see them all the time but can take it for granted. When you have to fly 8 hours to see them, you often stay longer and really enjoy the time. When we visit our family in the US we really get to spend a lot of time together and do different things and have deeper conversations than we might if we had to rush home Sunday afternoon to get ready for work the next day. Yes, we miss the regular contact though. There are pros and cons of course.

Hi,

Congratulations on the job offer! I live in Australia with my husband and 2 young kids. There is a huge British expat community here and I think everyone would agree there are pros and cons of making the move, but overall it's well worth it.

Like others have said, consider the reasons for the move and the pros and cons of both going and staying. It's always going to be tough being away from family but with facetime, free overseas phone calls, so many flights available (except right now!), it's very manageable to stay in regular contact. It's also always possible to quickly fly home if you need to.

For us being here, we feel that we have a much better lifestyle and it's much better for bringing up the kids. That obviously depends on overall circumstances though.

Also, if you make the move, the worst case scenario is that it doesn't work out and you move back. At least you gave it a try but if you don't try you'll never know.

Will you only get 2 weeks holiday whilst working for a US bank? Not much to manage trips back to see family. Try and negotiate more if possible, if you do decide to go. Ps a key consideration for me would be your kids schooling. Personal opinion, but I would be much less inclined to move older children than younger ones. Good luck with your decision

Hi,

I am an expat kid. My dad is a banker and his entire career has been overseas. It caused him and my mum a lot of pain being away from family, so when we visited (All summer, every year) it was a really special and cherished time.

There will be a conflict either way, whether you go or not.

For my dad it was a necessity to be an expat, for his career and financial reasons and it gave us, his 3 kids, extraordinary opportunities.

1. Explore your motivations to go (financial? career progression? Opportunities for kids etc.)
2. What are your prospects if you don't go?
3. Imagine you stay back.. how will that make you feel? Regret? Ok? Bitterness?

Also, why not make sure you get a big place out there and invite them to and your parents to stay for extended periods of time.

Being an expat takes a bit of cancelling the emotionality of decisions out and focussing on your core goals.

Good luck!

Congrats on the job offer!

We lived in SW11, two children and moved last year to Switzerland for work. Admittedly not as far as the US. My sister-in-law however was in the US for many years with her two children. So one side of the family are used to the overseas grandchildren - and were happy we weren’t too far, and happy to have new places to explore.

Some of my own family were less happy. But, we hardly saw them anyway in the UK (so that plays a large part in how much weight I gave to their complaints) and actually since we’ve been they love it here. Absolutely blown away when they came over, so there’s the enforced widening of their world too.

We took the job as for our children it’s a huge experience, new language, new experiences. And we really aren’t far.

When my niece and nephew were in the US though it still worked. We would visit every year, we would meet up places and spend summers together. Grandparents would go out for long periods and actually be more useful and hands-on when they were there.

And I think it’s good for that generation to have a reason to bust out of their comfort zone and travel a little. If at all possible.

Having the funds available for the grandparents to fly over would be another consideration. We had much “on our retirement income ....” type guilt trips so have paid for some flights and whatnot.

I think really hammer home the life experiences for the children. It’s key. And also for you/your spouse ..... it’s injected a little life into us too. Much as we miss London a huge amount and all our friends there.

(Another bonus .... trips back/lads/girls weekends because you’re missing your friends. I’ve flown back a few times now, solo, and had a blast).

I say do it! It’s given me such perspective on who and what is important to me. And that’s not saying grandparents aren’t, but I think it’s an eye opener for all - in a good way.

Nothing is forever!

I was an expat in London and am now back in the US (couldn’t sleep and the subject of the NVN email caught my attention). My husband and I moved to London From NY pregnant and my parents are elderly and not technology proficient. They tried FaceTime while we were there and visited once each year. We, in turn, spent two weeks over there for the couple of Christmases we were there. If your kids already have a relationship with them, then it will be easy for them to have Saturday morning FaceTimes and the times they visit will be fun. You can even meet up somewhere like Disney in Florida, or A beach town or somewhere and create great memories.
My husbands mother retired in India and my kids still have a long distance relationship with her. They haven’t seen her in a year but speak each week on FaceTime over breakfast. It’s different than what I had with my grandparents but many people grow up with grandparents in a warm climate or a few hours away. The US isn’t as far as they maybe feel (minus the current covid).
On the flip side, my father just passed away during the pandemic and I am glad I was back in NY to be there.

Just wanted to post some reassurance from someone who is raising a young family away from their parents.

Both my brother and I ended up living in the UK and raising our children here. It is really tough on my mum being so geographically far from us but we make it work. If you can get them a phone with Whatsapp or an iPad and manage a weekly video call with them, it really helps keep you connected. To be honest, we do this with both the grandparents in the UK and SA. Our kids and my husband FaceTime my in-laws in Oxfordshire over breakfast every Saturday morning. Time zone differences make the scheduling a little trickier but if you can find a time that works and stick to it - it really keeps everyone well connected.

Another thing to consider is that a fair portion of your holiday will involve trips home to visit family. These are rarely relaxing and can involve a rigorous schedule of going from house to house visiting people. One way to take the pressure off this is to meet family members on holiday abroad so that you still get to enjoy travel whilst seeing each other. Try to host the grandparents for at least a week in the US every year too.

Every family is different and we haven’t always managed this level of contact over the 15 years I’ve been away. These suggestions are based on the amount of contact we have in years where I feel like we’re seeing enough of each other.

With technology, it has never been easier to stay in touch. We set up a Whatsapp group for both sets of grandparents and I regularly post updates and pics / videos of the kids on there. My mom often tells me how much it means to her to feel so involved in what’s going on in their lives and the in laws have been able to form friendships over the years on this group.

Only you can decide whether this is the right move for your family. Think it’s important to remember how positive you all felt about the move before sharing your decision.

It really isn’t like 70 years ago when my gran jumped on a boat to SA from England and sailed for three months to get there - never to see or speak to her parents again! Depending on which cost you’re at, your husband can be back in the UK by the next day if they urgently need him. Hope this info reassures you all.

Good luck - it sounds really exciting! X

In a way it doesn't matter what your in-laws think; I'd be more concerned by the fact that your husband is worried about the move. Having moved out of the UK and moved back, one of our major issues was that my husband wasn't happy - and he was very happy to go in the first place. It magnified every single problem we had while we were away and made it very hard for both of us and our family. As in your case, it was *my* move so I felt responsible for everything that went wrong and felt I'd sold my children a dream that didn't work out for any of us. It caused me a lot of guilt. We came back very quickly and it was a terrible experience (which is not to say yours would be; I'm just saying that was how it panned out for me.).

Your in-laws have concerns but I'd be very surprised if that was the only underlying reason why your husband is dragging his feet. Does he have a job? What would he do in the US? How would you manage without having a support system of friends and family? What happens to your career if you don't take the job? Is the main draw the money or is there more to it? Can you revisit the decision in a few years or is it a now-or-never opportunity? Set the excitement aside for a minute and think about what you're leaving behind as well as what problems you might meet in the US.

I think your in-laws have been very brave to voice their doubts so try not to resent them for it. If you decide not to go, you may be surprised to hear from your parents that they are relieved too. They want what's best for you, and you have to decide what that is - but do take everyone and everything that's involved into your calculations. A move is not a bad thing in itself and neither is ambition but it's a lot easier to try these things at different points in our lives and this may not be the right time for you and those around you.