Something similar happened to us with our eldest daughter 2 years ago. She was being looked after by her grandparents while we were at a wedding. She was 3 at the time and had her last remaining curls around her face as the rest of her hair had become quite straight - it was very cute. We got home to find her grandmother had cut all her curls off from around her face. It looked dreadful - really bad - very uneven and going quite far back behind the level of her ear from the front of her face (Id say about an inch and a half back on both sides). The hairdresser the next day was actually quite taken aback when we were trying to smoothen it in to the rest of her hair. It took almost 2 years to grow it out to became level with the rest of her hair again and had to clip the front parts up or plait them to keep them up as they were too short to tie back with the rest of her hair (her last haircut finally was the last of the unevenness a few months ago).

The whole thing was horrifying to be honest. We also never got an explanation apart from the 3 yr old said it was okay to do it. When we arrived back she was actually laughing about it as if it was a joke. I was just shocked. It is only hair - it grew back but the thing that really upset me was the fact an adult (whom I had left her with) in a privileged and responsible position could do that to a vulnerable child. My husband did take my horror of the whole situation seriously and after a few days had a discussion with his mum regarding the fact she had seriously over stepped a very privileged boundary. I will never understand why she did it or how she did it, but it did make me realise that she comes from a completely different background in which adults are in control of children - an attitude I was never exposed to growing up and will never subject my children to. I could be wrong but I also think she was treating us like children as well - in that she can over step her boundaries with us, something I never saw her do with her friends or peers.

The one good thing from the whole situation is that it was a light bulb moment for me. Since my kids were born she was extremely critical of everything we did & I always let it slide (whilst getting really annoyed with myself for not standing up to her). We definitely were not perfect parents but its a special thing being a clueless parent - forging your own path in trying to raise these gorgeous kids is part of the joy. Following the haircut I have become really firm on boundaries and unfortunately will never be able to leave the kids alone with her again. However things have definitely gotten better, the criticisms are there but less frequent and they don't bother me as much as I now stand my ground regarding the way I want to do things. The kid's grandmother is still very present in their lives, we holiday with her, keep in regular touch and the kids love her dearly. It was a horrible thing to happen though and I am so sad to hear it has happened to others.

chorister wrote:
> Meanwhile in the real world climate change means it’s a day like September
> in mid November - which might warn you that you and your daughter face far
> bigger challenges than who cuts whose hair.



i know right ?! must be nice not to have real problems/struggles .............

Has she adjusted well? My MIL has since gotten very upset with my husband since we’ve set boundaries. I’ve been trying to put myself in her shoes to understand her point of view. Did you experience these feelings before having children? My husband said she has always tried to be controlling so he has had to go months without speaking to her. I suppose it’s just her personality. I really really liked her the first 6 years I knew her, and over time it just feels like she doesn’t understand when she’s overstepping.

Thank you for the reply! I’m still having a difficult time with it, but it’s getting better. I do hope eventually I will get over it. I know it seems so silly to still be upset over it. I usually don’t get upset easily so it’s surprising even to myself. I think it was just like you said overstepping boundaries. I know she was trying to be helpful. You’re so right! I know I’ll do something that’s upsetting when I’m a grandparent. I’ve thought about that often

I still am sad about it, I wish I knew why. The first haircut has been very emotional for me with all of my children. However, we’ve set boundaries (my MIL, not my mother) and hoping it all works out. Her personality is to be in charge and she doesn’t like when someone doesn’t do things her way. I think I just felt very disrespected because it’s often she would do things without asking that we didn’t want her to do. I do believe she thinks she is being helpful. I liked her very much the six years prior to this happening. I think it was just we didn’t set proper boundaries early. The kids still see her. I would never break up that relationship. Thanks for the reply!

Thank you for the reply! My husband did set some boundaries. She’s having a difficult time with it (very type A) but I’m hoping with time we’re all able to get along in a way that’s great for all.

Thanks for the reply! I couldn’t figure out how to log back in, and then today was thinking about it, lol. I think I was so upset because she has done many things in the past that seemed to overstep boundaries. Right before this happened her husband (she married him when my husband was an adult) had said something much out of line to our older kids when we weren’t around. I think it just made it worse. I do believe she was trying to be helpful, but it was just the last straw.
Anyway, I’ve since created boundaries which she still is having a difficult time with. I’m hoping with time it gets better. She’s very religious and old school in discipline (kids need to be seen not heard or smacked) so it’s just difficult.
Anyway, thanks again and have a great day!

You are certainly correct! Thanks for a different outlook.

What utterly bizarre behaviour by your mother-in-law and I have to agree I’d be mighty angry if it had happened to me. I also have to agree with the others though that you should try and maintain a relationship with her, if only because you can make use of her. My mum died when my kids were very little (my son was a baby) and as my dad had already died I only had my in-laws, who had little interest in the kids and were pretty useless. It was quite hard not having anyone I could rely on - I ended up just paying for nannies if I needed someone. I have maintained a good relationship with my in-laws but I do feel quite resentful. Our kids both had their first haircuts at Trotters. They are now 16 and 18 and somewhere in a box somewhere is a certificate with a lock of their hair but I haven’t looked at them since we put them away and if they’re lost it’s not really a big deal. Your daughter’s hair will grow back and if you want to cut it next time you can make that an event in itself.

I can understand why you're upset, but I think you need to take a deep breath here and try to see the bigger picture. I can't believe this was a malicious act by your MIL done deliberately to upset you; she was probably just meaning to be helpful or responded to something one of your kids said. She may not have realised it was your youngest's first haircut or the huge significance of that to you. 

It is really important not to let something like this destroy your relationship with your in-laws. You mention upcoming holidays but there will be numerous other times your husband will want you all to spend time with his parents too - and if you don't or you resent it, this will put pressure on your marriage. Your in-laws are prepared to look after your kids - that's actually a good thing and you may be very grateful for that in the future, however you feel now. 

I lost my mum unexpectedly when my kids were little and my dad proved useless at any practical help, so I have been indebted to my parents in law for providing help with my kids, both planned and in emergency circumstances. My mother in law has a different approach to me (huge amounts of sweet treats) and has sometimes got it horribly wrong (notably once letting my kids open their Xmas stockings without me there, which I had bought and wrapped!), but I have realised it all comes from a place of love and she means well. It doesn't have to be a competition between us for control (I'm the outright winner there for 99% of the time just by being the mum) and the kids benefit enormously by having interested and involved grandparents.

So please don't let yourself be poisoned against her forever over what was probably a misunderstanding and something that may possibly feel quite insignificant later on, hundreds of haircuts later. It really isn't worth it, in my view. See if you can forgive her and move on, for the sake of peace all round, not least your own.

It's a boundary that she should not have crossed, you are the parents and it's not her place to take these decisions upon herself - grandparents can be terrible with accepting they have to take the backseat now. It's so awkward but you and hubby need to address it with her clearly so she doesn't do similar things again.

I wonder what you’d feel if it was your own mother - you’d possibly be able to shout and rant and get over it, but because it’s your MIL it’s quite tricky.. As someone else suggested maybe speak to her - you probably won’t get closure from your husband having a quick word.

I wholly understand this, I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this. In my opinion it’s less about the haircut but that she over stepped on something that was personal to you. We have a similar issue with my mother-in-law. She was so desperate to be the first to meet our child, she pulled my husband out of sitting by our child in special care, whilst I was in a seperate recovery ward to see and hold our daughter, even if that was before me. I’ve found that being honest and setting boundaries helps. Eg, she can come to these types of “firsts” but it’s our choice to do it. I do often remind her that she’s had her firsts already and she must let us experience it too.

Hi - I had to reply to this because this happened to me. My parents dropped me at my grandmother's for a matter of minutes and when they came back my hair was shorter and looked horrific (she cut it herself without even asking). My mother was especially horrified. I feel your pain and I'm very sorry. The only thing I can tell you in our situation is that it has been a story that we have all discussed often enough that it has almost become funny in our family (and I don't even remember it). Why would someone do this? What a strange thing to do, etc.? Now as a father I see all kinds of strange things that grandparents do, overstep boundaries etc. Although they love their grandchildren immensly. Maybe they just want to participate in some way. One day we will be the grandparents and will surely do something ridiculous. I hope that after some time you are able to find some peace regarding this because it would be a shame to damage the relationship.

I agree…. And telling someone they have to “grieve” a haircut is a tad mental! Yes, your mother overstepped but you have a mother who is engaged and wanting to be a part of yours and your daughter’s life. Your daughter is healthy and beautiful and strong. Why don’t we leave the ‘grieving’ to those who maybe don’t have those mothers, or who really did miss genuine milestones with their children. I am in both those boxes and so I’m not being unsympathetic but just reminding you to focus on the good stuff! I’m not saying it wasn’t a big deal to you both, it obviously was, but good lord don’t break up a family relationship because of it- look at the bigger picture!