I would summarise by my nephew's cryptic comment once , with regard to a family group that wasn't 'working' well

'Too many personalities '

So when invited to someone's house, family or not, be graceful, you blend in, bring cheer and absolutely don't cause a negative vibe by dictating or trying to change the proceedings.

Nobody asks you to comment on gender, race, cooking ability, division of labour, battle of the sexes, the elderly, family tradition etc

Lighten up! It's Christmas.

Oh gosh!!! Cooking, washing up… Maybe some folk need to get into the 21st century and get a slow cooker (or three, depending on how many people will be eating), or do some quick vegetable roasting/steaming, get a ready made turkey from somewhere and just let the ladies enjoy the holiday for once. Oh and invest in a dishwasher (or two) for crying out loud! Oh, that tradition sucks by the way! Remember that other tradition of having slaves?!? It’s illegal now… just saying

I agree with some other respondents who suggested that the young offer to do the 'drudge' work and let the senior members of the family decide what they wish to do - but that there is no gender bias in the arrangement. I think it might be a welcome gesture for the young to let the 'olds' have a rest for a change, given that (presumably) they are paying for the food and providing the venue etc. 

Btw, excuse my pedantry, but if you want to be "traditional" in a British sense, you should spell labour correctly. 

Just want to close this off thank you for all your advice I've spoken to my girlfriend and we're all on the same page and we'll do our own thing but in a quiet non confortational way.

Thanks again for everyones input.

"If it were all the Black family members staying behind to clean while the white family members went to the pub, would your response still be the same?"

I must admit, I was a bit taken aback to see tradition being used as a justification for this.

That said, thank you to everyone for your input—I now have a solution.

I have to say I am surprised by all the « it’s tradition, let it go » answers.
If it was all the black people of the family staying behind to clean and the white people going to the pub would your answer be the same?
Why is it different when it is misogyny and not racism?

Well done OP for biting the bullet. It might be a tradition but it’s a ridiculous one and if they want to see you and your partner at Xmas going forward it’s time to start a new tradition. I’m with your partner on this one. But it’s up to you to speak up and up to you to say you think it’s not fair.

I would have thought, when invited to someone else’s home one went along with their customs? Christmas is especially not the time for a guest to question how someone else’s family behaves. Roll forward 60 years, if the girlfriend is still around, doubtless your own grandchildren’s friends will be questioning why your family behave as they do.
If she feels the experience would be so dreadful, for her, I suggest she graciously declines the invitation.

OP here, thanks for all the replies.

I’m leaning towards supporting my girlfriend and staying to help with cooking and cleaning up.

If she decides she wants to go for a walk or do something else, I’ll back her on that too—but honestly, I don’t think she’s too keen on the walk either.

Maybe we’ll even go for our own little outing instead.

Either way, I think it’s time to break with tradition.

Easier said than done, of course, but I’ll keep you all updated on how it goes.

Sometimes traditions need to be broken, your girlfriend is the one sane one it seems ….
Had you said the tradition was for the women to cook and men to wash up and then a joint walk or maybe women walk or whatever

I get traditions matter, but you seem to be stuck in a different century.

Your girlfriend maybe shouldn’t come if she not comfortable and I don’t blame her.

You are the next generation so you can work on creating new traditions.

So many assumptions above.

Who says its necessarily 'fun' to go to a pub on Christmas Day or that cooking is so detestable and un-fun'? Pretty certain the latter is for practical reasons ie they are better at it in grandmas house, not some complicated prejudicial situation.


Regarding the comments above re Grandma stirring things up, sounds like she is simply saying it how it is - it's your girlfriend digging her heels in with university politics at an inappropriate time to assert her own views as it sounds like Grandma has seen it before.
She is not even married into the family yet.

I would wager she would drop her stance if you had said its tradition for the men to cook and the women go to the pub. lol

‘On a side note, there are lots of traditions which are outdated, including the father of the bride walking the bride down the aisle - symbolic of giving her away to another man. Bride wearing white, the wife taking the husband’s surname, and the kids too. All of these do not belittle women.. they’re just part of our traditions. ‘

I very much disagree with the above - these hangover traditions do reduce and diminish women, especially being given away and being expected to lose your surname (unless you want to).

However, I now realise we are talking about your grandparents not your parents - my mistake. This changes things. Maybe they are in their 80s. Who knows how many more Boxing Day trips to the pub your grandfather has left.

I would ensure that you and she do a load of prep, cleaning and washing up together and that you two go for a short walk separately and you then go alone to join your grandfather at the pub. Just be sure to be there when they arrive as you will have been missed on the walk.

As others have said it’s good to have principles and stand up for them, but there has to be some give and take. Worth making a stand with your parents, but not your grandparents. You sound a bit intimidated by your gf, btw.

It sounds like your gf has the rest of her life with you to make new traditions. Why don’t you explain how much this would mean to you and if she could please just do it for one day? And next year you’ll make an excuse with your family not to attend.

On a side note, there are lots of traditions which are outdated, including the father of the bride walking the bride down the aisle - symbolic of giving her away to another man. Bride wearing white, the wife taking the husband’s surname, and the kids too. All of these do not belittle women.. they’re just part of our traditions. Does she feel strongly she won’t do any of the above too?

Good luck!

I'm quite surprised at just how many ppl think it's ok for years and decades to leave the cooking to the women and the fun to the men.

I would be just as appalled as your girlfriend that people think it's ok to live like this. That being said I don't think she can dictate what happens in someone else's household, just what she wants to do in this situation.

That might very well be to stay away. Question is, if she does, what will you do?

How interesting! 
I'm a very strong-minded working woman. So I can see why the idea of we do all the work and the men are being served just makes the blood boil.

Old people have lived in a world were lots of things are inappropriate now and were totally fine back then, you can't blame them too much for not adjusting...  But fair enough if you don't want to continue it.

I think if it was my first time, I would say OK let me give it a try as a 1-experiment (with a genuine open mind) and 2 - find a way to bound with my family in law. 

I'd be nice once and do it, then I'd take it from there and maybe next year organise something else for our Xmas. 
But I'd give it a chance. Sometimes the chatting in the kitchen whilst men are away can gold.