Safeguarding is a duty on every responsible adult. OP, please report this. Either to the police, the school, or directly to the local authority as they should have a Safeguarding hotline.
I think people are going a lot of thought to managing the adults' feelings and relationships in this situation but it's the children who should be centred.

1. The wife of the man who assaulted the child has covered for him and lied by omission. She might be doing this for self preservation or other understandable reason but please be clear, she's not going to protect the injured kids here.
2. The child of the man who assaulted the child said 'it's normal' This is not a one-off.
3. The three children were all very upset and the mother didn't intervene - so the children had to comfort each other?

This man needs removing from the family. I know this is horrible and people want to think about the least harmful outcome for the child and family as a whole. Loss of stability, opportunity, so many things that you would not want to deprived anyone of. But the only way not to take action is to ignore the voices of the children. Including yours OP. They disclosed to you, to take responsibility for a situation they cannot address due to their age. I would be relieved my child could do that as it's not always the case. That's a good relationship. Please show them it's the right thing to do. Don't spend any more time advising A's mum or hoping B's mum will see sense. Your child witnessed something that is harmful just in the witnessing of it. That's a safeguarding issue in itself.

Also. He's not only doing this. This will be the tip of an iceberg. You don't want to be the villain here, I sense. But you will be, if you are complicit, too. The shame is on him, assaulting a child.

You can insist on anonymity if you contact safeguarding at the council.

Best of luck to you - it's a horrible thing he has done but I believe you can make something better out of this.

I don’t have children but I’m a particular fan of crime dramas and that is an assault. Gentle parenting or not, nobody has the right to hit someone else (much less a child!!!) unless it’s a case of self defence or defence of others which, in this case, it was none of the above. Totally agree that if he feels alright assaulting others people’s kids he is probably enjoying a far greater power behind close doors. Someone has to report him to the police if what the OP says happened really happened. I wasn’t there and I’m not judging anyone just giving my uneducated opinion. If I was in any way involved I would absolutely file a report with the police. Good luck!

I would have told the parents of the smacked child about what happened.

I just wanted to thank you all for your helpful replies, which I shared with A’s mum. I don’t feel critical of anyone commenting, whether they have children or not - just thank you all for sharing your perspectives. I don’t know why I hadn’t equated it with B’s father hitting me or another adult, but that particularly struck a chord.

Chorister - yes you are right. I’m afraid the Stasi remark was ridiculous and the analogy a terrible one. If you don’t have kids you’re not in a very good position to judge. Having your child smacked by another child’s father is off the scale in terms of current social mores and he very much should be reported to the school. I would be absolutely horrified if another parent had done that to my child. The only other side would be that the child is lying but since they weren’t the one being smacked why would they lie about it?

You are all correct, the comment re the Stasi was silly.  Sorry.  But the fact does remain that we will all have seen awful results from anonymous pile ons where only one side of astory is heard but a situation nevertheless escalates out of control.  

I don’t necessarily see mild (and obviously “reasonable”) chastisement of my own kids to be too massive a deal. As for long-term effects, we’re constantly being bombarded by reports that children are the unhappiest and most maladjusted they’ve ever been, so unsure that “gentle parenting” is doing any good at all. Certainly no better than much else in the history of parenting.

However, if someone else touched one of my kids, I would take it upon myself to ensure the perpetrator was on a liquid diet for months.

It's not actually legal to smack a child. It's just that parents and caregivers have a defence of "reasonable chastisement" as long as the smack is not too hard, and the context means it is being used proportionately and with reason. It is almost never going to be seen as acceptable now for anyone but a parent to do it, and if the child is 1,1 so fully able to respond to reasoning and reprimand, and it was a minor disagreement, the defence threshold is not reached anyway.

So in the absence of any such defence, what happened was that an adult man violently assaulted an 11 year old girl left in his care.

The argument that nobody should tell anyone about this because it's like the Stasi is quite bizarre. Would the same principle apply if he'd struck his wife? Why is striking a little girl better than an adult woman?

He is fortunate this mother did not take it to the police, never mind the school.

This situation is undeniably sensitive, and it’s important for A’s mother to address it thoughtfully. She should consider having an open conversation with B’s mother, sharing her concerns about the incident in a non-confrontational manner. A's mother could frame the discussion around the well-beingmoto x3m of all the children and express that she feels it’s important to ensure everyone feels safe during playdates. Setting clear boundaries by deciding that A won't return to B's house until there’s some clarity is a reasonable step and can be communicated as a protective measure for A. Additionally, A’s mother could gently encourage B's mother to reflect on her family's disciplining methods, emphasizing that parenting can be challenging and support is available if needed. Ultimately, it’s crucial for A's mother to reassure A that her feelings are valid and that what happened is not normal, fostering a sense of safety and support for her child. While these conversations might feel daunting, addressing the issue may lead to a healthier environment for both children and help B’s family consider more positive parenting practices.

 

Chorister, your insight is invaluable as always,there’s nothing quite like a lecture on parenting from someone with zero firsthand experience. And the Stasi comparison? Brilliant! Because clearly, sharing a concern about a child’s wellbeing on social media is exactly the same as running a Cold War surveillance state. Your ability to inject unnecessary drama into the discussion is truly unmatched. Do go on, we’re all learning so much from you!”

Please report this, either contact the safeguarding lead at your child’s school or make a referral to children’s social services. (Link below for Wandsworth) I am extremely worried for the children that live in that home.

https://www.wandsworth.gov.uk/health-an ... t-a-child/

You mean A was assaulted by B’s Dad while on a play date and your daughter witnessed it. This is abuse. How can A’s Mum not report it to the police immediately? If B’s Dad hit you hard on the bottom, what would you do? If a stranger hit you hard on the bottom what would you do? Why is it OK to assault a child?

The police need to know. They will report it to social services and the school needs to know.

If this man is so comfortable assaulting other people’s children - who can turn to their parents for help - imagine what he does to his own children who don’t have parents watching out for their welfare.

Why aren’t you taking this more seriously? A grown man has assaulted an 11 year old girl.

Not (sadly) having children I am not remotely qualified to comment on the specifics but at the same time I can’t help wondering whether anonymous posting on social media, without hearing anything of the other side of the story, is really the best way to address an issue which could tear a couple of families to pieces. The Stasi institutionalised anonymous denunciation as a way of controlling East Germany. Do we really want to risk that?

@supergil, I like your response copied below, but I wanted to ask, you mention below that "I probably would disclose" do you intend to say wouldn't - is this a typo? I only ask as this by telling the Mum or parents that she has informed the school this is inadvertently tipping them off? If there is an issue, this gives the family or Dad time to formulate a response and potentially coach their children on what to say/not what to say.



"2) she needs to call B’s mum. Actually she doesnt necessarily need to but she should. I would. 
She does not need to say that she has raised it with the school of she doesnt want to. I probably would disclose though as it is so massive and such a breach of everything: private space, parental authority, safeguarding, trust, to name but a few."

 

Inam a safeguarding officer in one of my kids sports and i have been trained on the subject.

2 things she needs to do.

1)
I would tell A’s mum that she absolutely need to tell the school. The school have all the pieces of the jigsaw. If something dark is happening behind closed doors they would know or at least they would have a few piecea of the jigsaw. And that one last info on what happened could help the school piecing it all together and raise a case to the social workers.
Your friend isnt a social worker and / or trained for it. But she is a concerned and responsible adult so she needs to raise it with the school. They will know what to do with this information.

2) she needs to call B’s mum. Actually she doesnt necessarily need to but she should. I would.
She does not need to say that she has raised it with the school of she doesnt want to. I probably would disclose though as it is so massive and such a breach of everything: private space, parental authority, safeguarding, trust, to name but a few.

She needs to tell her whilst she will talk to her son regarding expected behaviours at someone’s house, under no circumstances is it acceptable to smack someone, anyone. It s aggressive and it s physical.
Let alone a child under your supervision. She needs to say that she would have expected to be called to pick up her child.
She needs to say that she is expecting an apology from the dad.

By telling the school, the school would have to inform the following school as well - proper procedure. Therefore the dad would be prevented to be involved with children in volunteering situation.

Please tell her to send me an MP if she wants to discuss further or has any questions.

Good luck to you both.