If she has asked and been refused and believes she “isn’t allowed” to spend her own money this is absolutely coercion and really terrible. Feel for your friend and hope she can find a good outcome. Good on you for supporting her.

I know a couple of relationships with similar arrangements but none where it is not by choice and mutual agreement.

Some of the replies are careening towards not believing a possible woman victim and justifying the perpetrator’s behaviour. With or without bad communication, financial coercion should not be happening.

Happy to answer as best I know:

1. She is a SAHM
2. She does have her own money but understands she is not allowed to spend it
3. She shops for groceries and he transfers the money into the joint account to pay for it
4. She does not know the state of the finances and is not added to the other accounts. She has asked and he has refused as it's "nothing she needs to worry about"

So much relevant information missing

Does she work, and have her own income?

Is she a stay at home mum, and if so who goes out and shops for the groceries? Paying how? Petrol? Kids clothes etc

Is it financial coercion though?

Has she ever asked him what he earns? Or does he refuse to disclose the information or is it that the conversation has never been openly had?

Does he ever not transfer the money she asks for?

If she asked, would he add her to ‘his’ other accounts?

Who decided on the “allowance” and would she be able to decide the amount?

I’m just wondering how much is a communication issue and how much a control/coercion one?

Yes it is. And if he is hiding finances from his wife, or spending money without her knowing that is financial abuse. If that’s going on, she’s probably the recipient of verbal and emotional abuse. All of these things are slow growing, but rotten to the core and it will completely destroy her, if she doesn’t address it. A therapist is a good start.

I am sorry to hear your friend’s situation.
Has she sat down with him and explained how she wants more control over the family finances? Is this the only problem in their relationship?
Is he employed or self employed?
You say she is considering divorce and I certainly agree that she should start to gain as much information about the finances as possible.
If she does gain access to ‘his’ documents then they won’t be able to be used formally in a divorce but information is power and she will be able to ask the right questions at the appropriate time.
I run a business helping financially non aware people in divorce.
www.formefinance.co.uk
I also have good contacts, divorce coaches and family lawyers.
Please pass my details on to your friend
Jackie x

Yes and there is a chance that there are other forms of abuse. I would help your friend find a good therapist who can help her to work this through.

Agree with the other poster that the more paperwork she can find on the finances ahead of starting divorce proceedings, the better as it is up to him to disclose all assets and it can be easy to hide things.

Coercive control - Women’s Aid

If she's considering divorce then she needs to do her best to find and secure copies of the financial paperwork

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

I've recently been away with a girlfriend, as in a friend who is a girl, and on the trip we got to talking about her financial situation.

She's married, has two primary school age children and her husband has a great job (multiple six figures).

They live locally, have kids at private school and take regular holidays.

In our discussions she explained how their financial set up works.

1. she gets a monthly allowance of £400
2. she has access to the joint account but there is never any money in it. If she wants to buy something she has to ask and he transfers the money into the a/c
3. she has no idea how much he earns or where that money is i.e. accounts etc

Is this coercion? She is considering divorce and I thought this might be material in the proceedings.

Thank you.