OMG. I can't believe some of these replies. I hope you had a fantastic xmas, whatever you decided to do, and enjoyed the precious little time you get to spend with your family. If it helps, my Grandmother was a prize cow to my mother and eventually she was "banned" from Christmas day. I remember post ban christmas' far more fondly than those before as everyone was so much more relaxed. We'd go to visit her on boxing day with Dad (where she'd spend the whole time moaning about Mum...). This split Christmas continues 20 years on - but seems to work for us!

Really hope you had a great xmas. I'm lucky to have a fantastic MIL, but really do sympathise. Let us know what you decided!

Go on holiday?! Thats what i am planning next year!

Happy New Year! I don't get on with my MIL at all for so many reasons that it would make a long post but this Xmas was quite amusing and my husband found it quite hilarious too so thought it may make you laugh a bit too...
She lives abroad and comes to the UK too often and insists to treat our home as hers and by that I mean she tells you when she is coming but never when she is leaving, helps herself to everything but never replaces it, invites people over to stay or eat without asking, asks to use the car but not to pay for the extra insurance, wants to be served dinner, never clears the table, the lists goes on. Last xmas she invited a few people for xmas lunch, cooked and hosted as if in her own home however did not do any of the dishes, tidy up, burnt our worktops in two places by putting burning pots on them without protection so this year thought I would plan ahead and book a restaurant. This did not go down well but had my husband's full support so she reluctantly agreed but here the fun begins:
- the restaurant was too far (15 mins drive)
- the road was too trafficky (hardly anyone on the road)
- we asked her to drive her own car as our car cannot accommodate a third person with the two car seats at the back but she felt this was unfair to ask her especially as she did not want to eat out in the first place so had to have my husband and her in one car an d me and one of my daughter in another
- Arrived at the restaurant and proceeded to sit in her coat and hat as she said the pub was too cold (we were fine)
- She had also briefed her other son and his girlfriend which were happy to indulge her and also sit in full winter gear (my husband doesn't get on with his half brother, nothing to do with me), all other people in the restaurant were dressed normally
- the menu was not deemed to be festive enough
- the decorations not Christmassy enough
- the coke was too watery
My husband and I had to start laughing as it was getting pretty ridiculous but whilst I am totally not bothered by how annoyed she is when she doesn't get her own way and goes into temper tantrums (tears, insults, crisis...), I was hugely annoyed by how rude she was to the staff - there was absolutely no need for that and had to apologise to them behind her back.

What shall I do next year? Any ideas?

Having just spent Christmas with my MIL (at her house) I would say that spending Christmas with someone who is intensely critical and unpleasant towards you is probably best avoided. Having said that, I do feel heartbroken when I watch my husband struggle to support me as I launch into another wailing attck on the woman who is, for all her faults, his mother and my childrens' grandmother. Yes she is passive-aggressive, rude and makes me feel like a worthless human being and as we sat on the M11 in a 3 hour traffic jam whilst fleeing the scene of yet another stress-filled Christmas, I swore to my husband that I will never, ever do it again. But the truth is I probably will do it again because I don't want to be the cause of that look on my husband's face. However, I have said that next year, we stick to our own turf and she'll have to play by my rules.

So........how did Christmas with the mother in laws go?

amybelle and the OP, your MILs sound HORRIBLE. i wish you could get out of going there for Xmas!

i think we should make an effort with MILs in general, but there are some very nasty ones out there who seem so toxic it's not worth the bother.

i'm haven't been very keen on my MIL, but my complaints are very petty compared to some others on this thread. i am seeing her in a new light - it could be so much worse!

Sorry, thats an awfully long post. What a terrible bore I am!! Quite cathartic though.

Is it bad etiquette to write really long posts??!

Hi All,

I know this thread has been running for a while, but while everyone is sharing their MIL stories I feel I must join in!!

I have a story to share... will try to keep it short and sweet

I am pregnant and currently suffering from ante natal depression. My MIL, previously fairly kind and well behaved made a point of sitting and talking to me about her own experiences of depression - being very understanding and sympathetic. Three days later she had a party which we all went to, including my sister and a few friends. It got late so I went off to bed, leaving everyone else to carry on drinking. After an hour or so, unable to sleep I heard someone crying out in the garden and looked out to see my little sister there, very upset. It turns out that MIL had sat down with sister to set her straight on all the things that are wrong with me. Namely...
I am spoilt, greedy and money grabbing - poor husband has to pay for everything.
I have no cause to be depressed - I should take a good look at myself and realise how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband
I am making her poor saintly son miserable - he has no joy in his eyes and looks pale and thin (bad wife not feeding him properly)
If I dont want the baby I should just have an abortion and stop being selfish and making everyone else miserable.
She doesnt give a damn about me or my health - all she cares about is protecting her dear son from a lazy, miserable good for nothing wife - he would be better off without me

Why she made such a show of being friendly and supportive only a few days earlier, and why she chose to share her feelings with my dear sister I dont know. I was keen to put it down to nasty drunken-ness but when confronted by my husband in the morning and again the following day she carried on in the same vein - insisting that I am basically a selfish greedy cow that doesnt deserve him.

Unfortunately all this affected me quite badly - several session spent picking it apart with my counsellor, several almighty rows with husband, sleepless nights, panic attacks etc etc. If she had puled this little stunt at any other time I like to think I would be strong enough to laugh it off, but I am not really myself at the moment

She was asked to apologise by my husband, which she hasnt really done - although has made a great show of going to see a counsellor herself as she hasnt been sleeping well!!

I have said that for the sake of my daughter and my husband, and this baby I am carrying I want to move on past it and try to get along. After all she is his mother and isnt going anywhere, and I am the woman he has chosen to spend his life with - and I'm not budging either! I am going to be the bigger person, kill her with kindness blah bloody blah blah

....But its easier said than done. Why do we always have to be the bigger person? When is it out turn to be treated with grace? Why do I have to put all my hurt aside for the good of everyone else? Why is more important for everyone else to be happy? It feels like she has behaved badly but because she is his sainted blood related mother she can get away with it. To me, it feels like has has won.

And I have to go to her house for christmas! I am starting to feel the panic rising and feel physically sick when I think of having to spend a whole day at her house. I honestly dont know how I'm going to get through it.

Sorry, not very short or sweet but maybe it helps to know that there are other women out here, trying to to do the right thing and feeling crap about it. The problem with love and motherhood is that it seems to be part of the job description that we are often last in the pecking order. Of course there are times when its right to put others first, but I also think as mothers we have to pick the moments for us to come first. I suppose this christmas isnt my turn.

There is always next year - and it will be 100% on my terms then. I might demand to be taken to the maldives or something!

I think it depends on the level of agitation. Some of the posts here have detailed nothing short of downright rudeness, cruelty even. I wouldn't expect my wife to put up with that from anyone, especially my own family. I should say that my parents have passed away and my IL's are great so I'm not in this situation.

However if it's just being picky, mildly irritating, overbearing, fussy then maybe that's a case for "the greater good", especially where there are children. Speak to your partners and get a gauge as to what is a reasonable course of action.

Either way I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I know nobody wants to hear this and so I hesitated about writing for fear of sounding "preachy" ...but...when I read all these entries I couldn't help but feel bad for all these Mothers in law! I am sure they dont make your lives easy, but think about it from their point of view. They have devoted their lives to their son(s) and then this other new woman comes along and takes all his attention. Now you dont even want to see them once a year at Christmas! I am sure they aren't kind to you but if you have son(s) then maybe try and cut them some slack. You never know what kind of woman your son will choose to marry - and karma has a funny way of working itself out!
Sorry if I dont seem very sympathetic but i think you should try and be the bigger person - otherwise you are just as bad as your Mother in law!

I have been reading all these posts & I now think my MIL must have countless doubles. I promised myself before my son was born I would never behave like her. No doubt she will try & ruin our son's baptism on Sunday but given she has just had purple highlights done, she might raise a few eyebrows as she did at our Wedding when she wore various shades of head to toe purple & 149 people were in fits of laughter!!

Rosess suggestion sounds good to me.

Sure supergirl but to be fair we have no idea what the problems are with the OPs MIL, didn't it just say she was pushy? But then mentioned constant criticism.

I just posted about my MIL because this is relatively recent but her behaviour has been hanging over us for years, as you can imagine I have worried and worried about what to do and found ideas on other forums so thought it might one day interest someone

(well really I find it cathartic )

I had no idea how some people could behave my own Mother was extremely lucky in getting a huge amount of support from her parents/and parents in law, it surprises me how little some people in our generation get!!

PS: Mumble, you are not depriving your children from a nurturing relationship with their grandmother. She is obviously NOT trying to have a relationship with them. You are right to protect them from her.

With all due respects Mumble, what you are describing is a complete different situation.
This is a blatant example of unacceptable behaviour from a grandmother (or any adults) towards children (who also happen to be her grandchildren too, if I understood correctly).
In this case I am totally agreeing with the NO SUCKING IT UP and god forbid any of my in-laws or my own family do that to any of my kids or to any children in front of me because this would go well.
In the instance of OP, my view was that yes this is not nice, maybe there are reasons behind it maybe not, but this is something little that can be joked about once she is gone so yes suck it up in my view.
I have to suck it up any time my mum is around and this is more than once a year The OP should laugh about it and not taking it personnally.