husband become critical of my weight Post Reply

[coffee cake]

Hi
I need a little bit of advice.

My lovely son is nearly fourteen months old but I am really struggling to lose my baby weight.

I am not too obsessed although I would prefer to be back to my pre baby weight, but my husband has started to drop hints which is really upsetting me.

Over the last couple of months he's started to say things like "are you planning on going back to the gym" and less subtle stuff like "Saturday morning is exercise o'clock for mums." Last weekend he even asked "do you really need that  pudding? 

Part of me feels like telling him to get lost but another part of me is worried that we are on a slippery slope and this is the start of him seeing me as a mum and not a wife? If you know what I mean.

Any advice form others who might feel similar very welcome.

[grapefruit gin]

Not sure I will be much help here other than to suggest he needs some harsh words from you. 

I am glad that you are not obsessed with your weight, you shouldn't be. Your baby doesn't need you to be short tempered because you are hungry or tired from working out.

Take your time, enjoy your baby, I am sure that you are doing great.

 

[muddyboots]

He’s being a d-head, tell him he’s hurt your feelings then that he’s giving you low self-esteem and not motivation.

Enjoy your baby and show him this thread.
Then remind him that if he carried a baby and gave birth he would not look the same either!

[ceecee12]

My dear fellow mama! Tell your husband to go and have your next baby. Also from me (student midwife) that your body goes through physiological changes which make our bodies different from right after having our babies that take 18 months for all our organs to move back into place. Your body is an amazing temple and I would recommend taking care of yourself your way! If you want to loose weight do it for you. If you don’t then that’s also fine too! It’s your body and you make your own choices. Tell your husband to squeeze a baby out of his a hole and see what he says! Hahaha sending my love to you and don’t be bullied by him x

[ellesmum]

I hope your husband is also saying far more helpful things like "You have a lie in this morning, I know how hard you work", "I'll take over with the baby for a few hours so you can have some Me Time", & "Don't worry, I'll cook/get a takeaway tonight"?

[Mum2Girlz]

Please take care of yourself, both now and if you have another baby. Like you, I struggled to lose the baby weight after my first. My husband even said that I might find it easier if I drank fewer lattes and ate less cake, and that pushing a buggy around didn’t count as exercise. So after our second child I dieted. Didn’t see many people, ate salads for lunch on my own and really struggled emotionally and with low energy. The weight fell off, but my children and I were the worse for it.

[Kirstie’s Mom]

You didn’t mention if you were breastfeeding which in my case blew me up like a balloon. Nevertheless, tell your husband that it’s 80percent diet 20 percent gym and that a gym class once a week is a ridiculous suggestion. It is more important to be healthy, bond with the baby and have energy and once you stop breastfeeding if you are the water weight goes , the rest takes time and support which it doesn’t sound like he is giving.

[betterannabel]

Leave him. 

[Vicki W]

Your husband is being passive aggressive with these comments. Ask him outright if he has an issue with your weight at the moment. Tell him you'd like more support, less sarcasm and if YOU want to lose that weight, ways that he can help by cooking healthier food, freeing up time for you to do yoga/swimming etc as well as having a bit of down time. Having a new baby is highly stressful and stress eating is often quick food laden with calories. He needs to think about his attitude to you as a mother, not just a wife, as you are both now.

[ducky says]

I would explain your feelings of hurt him and steer him into making only constructive and helpful comments and offering support .Set this boundary/ I was lucky in that I found breast feeding dropped the weight off and its right that physiologically your body takes up to a year or more to return to pre pregnancy
Be honest about what you yourself feel about the extra, don't diet for sake of him but for yourself, if that's what you wish to do at some stage. If you have your own plan there is no need for him to keep prompting you. Perhaps you can do an exercise activity together :)

[Champagnetennis]

I would say it’s so hard and are you being a bit overly sensitive, as people do say things all the time and they don’t always mean them. I’m sure he’s trying to be nice and encourage you to lose weight and probably thinks in a weird way he’s helping but it sounds like it’s not come across in the right way. I breastfed both my sons and they didn’t sleep great at night, so I felt I deserved the cake and coffee in the day time and needed it to get through the day! My husband often said comments about me needing to get fit, or that I was eating lots, but I tried to ignore him and he also thinks I’m overreacting and being too sensitive all the time as he often says he’s joking, but I take my weight personally and seriously and it is very upsetting when you’re a different shape post baby.

I would suggest talking to him calmly when the kids are not around and say how upset you are by his comments, he probably has no idea how much he’s upset you. Take care xxx

[nicolel]

It's hard to say without knowing whether you feel he's on your side or not, but assuming he is, and is not just a selfish insensitive jerk, and assuming you actually would like to lose some your weight, maybe you could explain to him that you are just too exhausted to focus on yourself at the moment. Perhaps he could help by taking over care of the baby, household, cooking, cleaning, etc, when he gets home from work and at the weekends, then you could have some me-time to focus on your diet, exercise, self-care etc.

If he doesn't believe that looking after a baby and a household is exhausting, then book yourself a week's holiday with girlfriends at a health spa, and leave him to look after everything for a week, and see how he feels at the end of it!

[Thematsanctuary]

Hi there,
It is awful the way you feel and I understand why so many people int heir reply have a go at your husband as it indeed does not come across kind or caring.
Yet, I dont know either of you and I wanted to suggest another option; maybe he struggles to tell you outright and instead makes these comments. A failure in communication for sure. And you sure can tell him that those words hurt your feelings.... but while you are at it maybe ask him what he is trying to say? What is the real message?
I have found that many parents struggle with the change in their female partner after having children. We do become Mama's and in most cases that doesn't only change our body but our mind too.
Maybe he is just looking for the safety of the good old days. He wants you to be a couple and he is trying to find his path and role in this new situation....
(I know! I am being very lenient here!)
Rather then kicking him out though it might be worth trying to come in from this angel...

If you and other mums like I very happily start offering yoga classes to get your body back. I have just opened a studio near Streatham. And no, this was not meant to be an advert reply, Im genuinely trying to find a solution. Im happy to even offer you some classes for free to get you going.

[Gina_Gee]

I think there are some lovely positive suggestions mentioned already and all I would add is to please let your husband know how he is making you feel by saying these comments. He probably doesn't know how much it is upsetting you and if he continues to say such things, you could find yourself resenting him in ways you don't need nor wish too.

I have been surrounded by men my whole life (dad, step dad, older brothers, husband, 3 sons) and in my experience they tend to say things without thinking too much about the impact their words have on others. More often than not they are saddened (and surprised) when they hear they have hurt someone unintentionally, but they really do need to have it pointed out to them!

Communication is so important, especially now as you are no longer just husband and wife but parents too. There will be many changes in your relationship over the years as a couple and as a family but if you can keep communicating and be open and honest with each other you have a much better chance of getting through any bumps along the way.

Good luck!

[parrat01]

At the risk of being the odd one out - maybe he thinks he is being supportive? After having a baby we are all so tired and exhausted that it is easy to stop spending time to look after oneself and deprioritse our health. ( Lets be real - it is easy to do even before a baby!) So could it just be that he thinks it is important that you look after your health and this his way to encourage you start making some positive changes? The truth is that the longer you leave it the harder it gets to make those changes. If part of the reason that you are upset is because you think he is right, but at the same time dont have the energy / motivation to take action, maybe you talk to him about developing a plan that actually does motivate you rather than make you feel upset.