Can I approach my ex MIL for son's non payment of school fees Post Reply

[oil on canvas]

Looking for a little bit of outside context to an issue I’m struggling with.

My ex husband and I split up a few years ago and whilst it wasn’t amicable it wasn’t as bad as some others I’ve heard of.

We went to court and part of the court agreement was that he’d pay for school fees for all the children however he has never been entirely happy with that element,

It now transpires he hasn’t been paying those fees and the school are on my case to pay them.

I can’t afford them but he is stonewalling me, simply refusing to pay them.

I think the only recourse I have is to approach his mother and explain the situation and ask her to help, she does have some money, but at the same time I can’t believe I am in the situation where it feels like I’m “telling tales” on my ex.

I also would like, for the sake of the children, to have a cordial relationship with him and this feels a little too like going nuclear.

I know I have a legal agreement but those wheels turn too slowly when the school is, on a weekly basis, asking where the money is.

If anyone has been in a similar situation and resolved it I’d love to hear from you, but I do think approaching his own mother is becoming my only option.

[muddyboots]

You have a legal agreement, act quickly to protect your children and their school places.

1) get legal advice asap, not sure how enforceable your agreement is in practical terms and within the time until the schools will get fed up
2) immediately tell the school to contact your ex for the fees. Let him feel the heat
3) your MIL is not responsible

[Thebeautifulandthedamned]

I’m very sorry to hear this.

Speak to your lawyer immediately, explain the situation to the school and get them to contact him so he can feel the heat - a bit of embarrassment might go a long way. Try if you can to ensure the kids don’t find out about it.

Not meeting a court order is an offence and he could find himself in a lot of trouble if he doesn’t meet those obligations. The “why” he doesn’t want to pay won’t go well in a court I wouldn’t imagine if it’s simply he has been spending the money elsewhere. If it is a genuine financial issue the school will do a payment plan.

I would also say yes speak to your ex MIL. They are her grandchildren and she might feel strongly that they stay in the school or that her son honour his obligations. And yes, embarrassing but you hold your head high you haven’t done anything except protect your children he is the one who should be embarrassed not you.

Wishing you all the very best of luck.

[Stickystick]

Rather than approaching the MIL to say “will you pay”, I would frame it a little differently.

Say that your ex hasn’t been paying, as unaccusatorily as possible, you are keen to understand what the reason is before deciding what best to do, and is there any insight she can share?


She is his mother after all - piling in with criticism may get her back up.

It will be useful for you anyway to find out whether it’s that he CAN’T pay (ie his circs have changed since his court order) or he WON’T pay (some other reason). And it’s then down to her to decide whether she wants to get involved (either pressuring her son or paying herself).

[SW4family]

Hello,

I’m sorry, this sounds like an incredibly difficult position to be in.

You are right that the court process can be slow to get to the stage where you can actually enforce these payments (and will depend on whether he has the money to pay). However, sometimes just initiating this process, and your former husband receiving letters from lawyers informing him of this and the related costs, can be sufficiently compelling for him reinstate the payments.

(You might choose to do this alongside speaking to your former mother in law).

It might be worth having a chat with your lawyer, or I’m always happy to have an initial call (I’m Rhiannon Guibert at Simons Muirhead Burton).

All the best

[Scottov]

It’s obviously a difficult situation, but I would note a couple of things:

You are obviously a signatory to the parent contract, hence why the school is chasing you. Private arrangements between you and your ex husband are not really the schools concern, and they won’t put themselves in the middle of such matters. Is your ex husband also a party to the contract?

And no, they won’t remove you from the contract

That said, I would certainly explain the situation to the school, and produce the relevant documentation for the settlement. It won’t change the legal obligations, but it might well buy a little goodwill towards you

The school will be concerned if you are the sole signatory and by your own admission can’t afford the fees. They can’t just issue a payment plan to someone who can’t afford it

Issuing further debt, which is what this is, is problematic if you can’t keep up with current fees let alone the arrears

But you must be upfront and honest with them. Private schools are very wary of some of the tricks that occasionally disreputable parents will try. You need to reassure them that you’re genuine and caught in a bind

Good luck

[Vicki W]

I would send a copy of the court order to the school as this is the father's obligations. I would also discuss this with your ex's mother to see if she can exert some pressure on your ex.  This is financial abuse and falls under post separation coercive control.  I would also, if you can afford it, take it back to court and get a penal notice attached to the breach of order.

Having been in family court for 5 years, this kind of abuse is fairly common.  You might think about getting some kind of support from Women's Aid or Refuge if he continues this behaviour towards you and your children.

[Onlyboys2]

I'm in a similar position with the arrangements for school fees and my ex-husband. My ex-MIL has offered me nothing since the split, not even asking after me or the children so I wouldn't expect any engagement from her. Yours may be warmer...

I would though have no qualms about sharing the court order with the school (registrar, head etc) and hope that that might protect my position with them and continued care of the children whilst they pursue the party contracted to pay!

If it has become unaffordable for him that is of course another position entirely and potentially humiliating but it sounds as though this is not the case. 

Talk to your lawyer but personally I would push it back on him with providing the evidence to school that is it not you messing around and hope that they have more luck. Pride often kicks in. Good luck! 

 

[southoftheriver]

Im sorry you are in this situation, but I dont understand why you think your ex-MIL would side with you, and not her son ?  This is a legal issue between you and your Ex Husband

How do you think your Ex Husband will respond if he finds out his mum is paying for something he has made clear he does not want to pay ?  This will drive a wedge between your MIL and her son and risk causing further issues for your family dynamic (is that what you want?) 

My advice is to use the law (which is on your side). Dont bother with his MIL.  Full transparency with the school ASAP will help take off some of the pressure you are feeling, as others have said

[readysteadycook]

With the way private schools have been putting up fees by 8%+ recently (the School Governors are really hacking off alot of parents), maybe its time the children found other schools ? Its not a right to go to private school.

and of course , you will only rack up lots of cost by using lawyers - is that really the best way to use your family's money ? 

[Scottov]

I can only emphasise again, what matters is who is on the parent contract.

The court order between you and him, does not matter unless he is party to the contract.

It might be useful to know for the school but they will be driven by the contract

[Black Vanilla]

I kept meaning to reply to this post but never did.

My brother has also been on the other end of this situation. Divorced, lost his job and not able to fulfil the original agreement from the court. Took a huge toll on him personally and the relationship between his children and him, seeing his ex decided to share everything  with them and not in context.

After more legal letters which took up more of the finances they had to go back to court to renegotiate the original settlement. 

Quite rightly the children came first, his ex had to settle for less and now that he has gone back into employment he is off his own back paying her more than has been most recently requested.

He is a decent guy, he just couldn't make the fees and his payments to her once he had lost his job. 

I would suggest that you sit down with him and work it out before you go and humiliate him any further. That is of course assuming that he isn't paying because he can't. 

[thatcozycat]

I had a similar situation a while ago where my ex and I had a financial agreement that he just didn’t follow through with. I was stressed about paying things I couldn’t afford, and it was affecting my relationship with him too. I actually ended up reaching out to a debt collection agency Manchester (Frontline Collections) because I couldn’t wait around for things to go through court. They were professional, and although it felt awkward at first, they really helped me sort things out.