Son and his relationship with in-laws Post Reply

[LosingSon]

Hello all,
My son (27M) is engaged to be married and we're delighted, his fiancee is lovely and they make each other really happy.

They currently live together.

The issue is mainly with my wife and how this is changing her relationship with our son.

He is spending a huge amount of time with his fiancee's family at the expense of spending time with us/my wife.

Weekly dinners no longer happen, family holidays can't be booked or planned and it's causing stress for my wife. The straw that broke the camel's back is that he's just told us he's spending Xmas in London with his fiancee as opposed to travelling to spend time with my wife's extended family up north which we've always done.

Now my wife is asking me if we can drive back (6 hours) from her family on Xmas day to "at least spend some of Xmas day" with our son. Despite the fact we haven't even been invited to his flat!

Although my wife is British, she does come from a family with second generation Eastern European roots, and she tells me this is usual for her family. For me it's a bit odd that she'd expect our son to spend time with us now he's striding out of his own but she's destroyed that it's "all over".

I'd love to know if anyone has dealt with this and how you did it? I don't really want to negotiate some form of compromise as I think it'd be weird for him to feel he "has" to spend time with us. I feel my wife should put on her "big girl pants" and celebrate that we've raised a lovely son and he's happy.

Lived experiences welcome please.

[sconesplease]

Could you suggest to your son that next year he spends Christmas with you and your wife? or plan a few things ahead to look forward to.

I'm closer to your son's age so I don't don't have any experience but I as a daughter in law I would find it   a tad imposing if my in-laws insisted on driving for 6 hours to see us on Christmas Day.

My in-laws in the past have been imposing, in turn, it has made me keep them at arms length. 

You mention family holidays, we rarely holiday with our parents or in-laws, they probably want to do their own thing.

Maybe this is all a bit of an adjustment for your wife and she will come around, good luck

 

[NigerianMama]

Can’t you see the slight irony here? You have spent every Christmas with your wife’s relatives but are upset that your son will spend his Christmas with his future wife? Your son is lucky enough to have found his forever person which is something you and your wife should be celebrating! My son is still a baby but this day comes for all parents. I would stop indulging this and not impose yourself on your son on Christmas. The more you push boundaries and impose yourself the harder they will pull away until it’s completely beyond repair. You can always meet up for a Christmas celebration before or after Christmas and make memories then! But no parent of an adult gets to keep their children completely under the thumb, and if they do it’s a major sign of a problem.

[muddyboots]

Your son is in love, it’s natural he wants to be with his fiancé.
She wants to be with her family, so he follows by choice.

I recall my now husband coming with me abroad for Christmas to be with me over his family. I was going to mine regardless, but he chose to come to be with me. Maybe there is something in “a daughter for life, a man ‘til a wife”.

As sad as it is for your wife and I sympathise and have to admit I’m glad I’ve got daughters … she’s got to accept it .
If she makes a fuss it will just become worse.
DO NOT let her embarrass you all by turning up and forcing the outcome she wanted. It’s unacceptable and if this is how she starts the relationship with her new DIL it will not go well. That is a fact.

The family is changing, your son is making the first steps towards his own future family and his wife will be his no 1 (as it should be.) I’m not saying at all the mother is not important, just that his wife will become his main priority.

Tell your wife to remain positive and invite them to other things and also she could spend time 1-1 with your son as well.

This will settle I’m sure.
Good luck

[Loves_London]

It happens...

He's going to be married to his wife, not his Mum.

Ideally you can alternate Christimas visits, but he's about to form his own family unit.

It's not a snub. But get that it's tricky and new.

[Loves_London]

It happens...

He's going to be married to his wife, not his Mum.

Ideally you can alternate Christimas visits, but he's about to form his own family unit.

It's not a snub. But get that it's tricky and new.

[JustLoveLondon]

The changing of life’s usual patterns or life events playing out differently than one has imagined can be unsettling. Nevertheless, the positive news is that your son has found love in a partner and her family are accepting of him; welcoming him into their home for the holidays! In future years, perhaps they as a couple can rotate locations for the holiday. Or, perhaps new family traditions can emerge to allow for celebrations, perhaps just a few days before or after the actual day.

The two life experiences I would ask you to consider are this:
1. I was once married to a wonderful man whose mother couldn’t get past this same circumstance. Even when we did spend holidays with them, it was never enough. She was so bitter. She let it pervade her relationship with me which eventually affected her son as well. After years of bitterness, my husband and I eventually opted for an amicable divorce as we didn’t want to raise children in that environment. He now only rarely speaks to his mother. No one benefited from the situation. My father in law is a great man who saw it all, he was just too timid to speak up to her until it was too late.
2. My own father passed away when I was a young woman. I’ve gone on to work in medicine. I have learned the value of life and just how precious it is. This makes us want to hold onto these moments together all the more. Nevertheless, not at the cost of the relationship.

There is a way to make this a holiday season to remember for positive reasons. May you all find a way to celebrate the joy of having one another in your lives.

[Nettysiv]

If not already in discussion, maybe suggest that your son and future DIL spend alternate Christmases with you and your wife.
My eldest 2 (DD30) (DS27) are married and this has always been the way we have worked things out. I certainly wouldn’t expect it to be any other way as it would show a lack of respect towards my children’s in-laws; showing the kids that their other family are as equally important as your own contributes to family harmony.
Please don’t drive hours to see your son and wife to be on Christmas Day if you haven’t been invited. Arrange another time to see them to celebrate.
Good luck!

[Happy London]

Remember the saying:
A son is a son until he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all her life.
But on a serious note NigerianMama is spot on, my brother is a lot older (well and myself) but he has always spent Christmases at his in laws. No point creating issues over it - can see them before/after to make memories. But then again my parents have myself and another daughter so always someone to see over Christmas.
On another note it is the same if and when grandchildren arrive. Girls want their own mothers for advice and help especially those early days. Just have to go with the flow and respect decisions. Kids grow up and fly the nest - he is 27! Hopefully next year they’ll want to spend it with his family.

[LosingSon]

"Can’t you see the slight irony here? You have spent every Christmas with your wife’s relatives but are upset that your son will spend his Christmas with his future wife?"

Thank you for all the replies. The main issue is my wife, not me.

"DO NOT let her embarrass you all by turning up and forcing the outcome she wanted. It’s unacceptable and if this is how she starts the relationship with her new DIL it will not go well. That is a fact."

Yes - this is what I am scared of.

"He's going to be married to his wife, not his Mum"

I am trying to get her to see this.

Thank you again all.

[Mum2Girlz]

We were fortunate in that when we got married my husband’s sister had already been married 18 months or so, and my brother hadn’t married yet, so we were able to agree a schedule for Christmas that worked for both families, their children and respective in laws, as everyone agrees the need to coordinate so that families could all be together one year (both children with their partners and in due course grandchildren together with their cousins) and then apart the following year so the in-laws parents had the same experience.
It all worked really well until Covid cancelled Christmas and we ended up out of sync. It now upsets everyone every year, especially as parents age and health deteriorates, everyone wants to prioritise their own parents at Christmas.
We now deal with it by ensuring each family either has Christmas or Boxing Day.
Last year we went to both sets of parents on the same day, luckily they’re only an hour apart, and this year I’m leaving my in-laws on my own to visit my parents at my brother’s house on Christmas Day.
It’s upsetting for your wife, but as others have said, part of him marrying and in due course having children who both families will want to see.
Your wife does also need to be careful, she doesn’t want to be seen as interfering or overly possessive of your son by his fiancée. Her family will be equally protective of her and may resent it too, and this is where problems can begin which never end well for the mother in law, if my friends are anything to go by. Good luck, it was inspired of up to ask here for help as hopefully you’re getting lots of good advice!

[Pleasechat]

It's a transition but your wife is not losing her son. Its certainly not all over.

I think your wife would be helped by accepting the feeling of loss, but being positive about the future which includes new relationships and more possibilities.
She should not do anything clingy or competitive with the DIL because this will not be liked.

Plan something with your wife as a distraction over the festive period to make her feel important, encourage her to be giving, accept the good of the season.
She has family to attend to, her son is just one person not everybody. She has good news to tell family too!

[somethingsomething]

I think your son should alternate years for Christmas or agree which day to spend with which family and respect that every year. This is how we all do it in my family. I would also be upset if my son would be spending more time with their in-laws than with his own family. It is not fair or necessary, and if this is the case it can only get worse when children arrive.
Note I say this being the wife and not having a son, but daughters.
Also, your son's wife surely understands his family is important for him, and she wouldn't want to distance him from his family I hope.

[Knightsambl]

It’s time to cut the apron strings. We’re not talking about a child, this is an adult making adult choices. There are no rules about how someone should live their life. Personally, the thought of spending Christmas with a gaggle of extended family sounds like absolute hell, and something that I would only do under extreme sufferance (as an adult with my own family and agency over festive plans). We generally try to alternate with my own parents and in laws, but there are no rules, and actually it turns out that what we really want it’s to spend the day itself within our little nuclear unit of me, wife and our 2 primary age kids. No one - except us - gets to make any determination about whether that is appropriate. It works for us. What works for your son and his finance is de facto the “right” plan.

At 27, I wouldn’t have wanted to go on holiday with my parents. Or felt obliged to see them for a weekly dinner. Don’t cling to what your wife considers right; that is a recipe for upset.

[jickjax100]

I do understand where your wife is coming from. You don’t say if this is your only child but she has certain hopes and dreams and she believes they are about to be shattered. She sounds like a loving mum with a son she is very close too.
I guess life was always going to change when he found his significant other and his wife will be the most important person in his life looking forward, and that is right. However his mum does deserve to share in their future and it would be very hurtful to feel the couple are choosing her parents over the pair of you.
I think you need to have a word with your son and just explain your expectations. For eg that they will alternate who they see for Christmas Day. If they have children your wife will see her grandchildren and get the chance to be hands on. If your son doesn’t agree then you have to accept that but he deserves to know what is expected and that his decisions will have consequences.
I definitely agree with others that you should not unexpectedly turn up this Christmas. Respect their wishes but explain your position.
I don’t agree with people on her saying we prefer to be in our own little unit etc. your parents aren’t around forever and it’s nice to share part of your life with them.
Good luck