In debt - how do I tell my husband? Post Reply

[Budgetingfail]

So, I am really crap with money and budgeting. I've just gone back to work part time and I've also had an allowance from my husband, as we have 2 young kids. 1/2 of my salary goes on childcare (nanny). We moved recently and I've had all sorts of things go wrong with the boiler, a water pump, we've had the house painted, the washing machine and oven repaired, then I got stuck with a massive gas bill from the old property from underestimation (£1000). My husband pays the mortgage and I'm meant to cover the bills with my allowance which would work ordinarily without these big ticket items. Anyway, my husband has a good job so its not the debt that's the issue, its just that I have left it so long to tell him and he's going to be furious. Basically I have £10k on my credit card (who allows that anyway??) and have managed to transfer it over to a 0% card (couldn't get a loan which would have been cheaper) to pay it off but I really need to learn to budget. I know that I will have to cut back on things and I was hoping to get away with paying it off without telling him but I am not sure what to do. I feel like I have been lying to him which is the one thing he really dislikes (and not something I normally do). I don't know why I am so secretive when it comes to money, its one of my faults. My husband laughs at my crapness with money and its sort of a joke (he's an accountant). He has had to bail me out in the past and has done so willingly, and if I need extra money, he will give it to me but I absolutely hate asking. I know this is a first world problem but any advice would be much appreciated. My husband has a very stressful job in finance so I don't want to add to it!

[kttt]

nice mess. Don't understand me wrong but you are in trouble already, so you should not hide it from your husband. You are marred so you both should support each other. Why are you scared of him? Is everything okay between two of you ?

[pie81]

Must admit I don't really understand your financial set up. You are married, so surely his money is your money and vice versa. Childcare is a shared cost, so are house repairs and so is the mortgage.

Anyway. It doesn't sound like you are crap with money at all. You've had to pay for house repairs which were necessary. It's not like you've spent it all on shoes I don't see how budgeting would have avoided these costs. And you've paid for it using a 0% credit card, so it's not like you've added to the cost by taking out expensive loans to pay for it.

It sounds like he is happy to pay extra when it is needed, so I'm not sure why you feel you should cut back elsewhere to cover these costs? Or is he actually cross when you overspend the allowance?

I think you should tell him, but not in a self-blaming way. Just tell him matter of factly that these repairs were needed, you've put it on a 0% credit card for the moment but now you need him to transfer you some extra money to pay it off. Remember, you haven't done anything silly from a financial point of view and you haven't added to his stress, all he has to do is make a transfer. The only thing that's a bit silly is not having told him at the time, but better late than never!

[Bluebunny]

It seems strange that your husband, an accountant, is not already aware of the big expenses such as painting the house and boiler repairs. You say your allowance that you get from him is supposed to cover the bills, but the expenses you are listing are not monthly bills, but one-off capital expenses, so would not have to be covered from your allowance anyway.

If the £10k credit card bill is genuinely related to house expenses (and not handbag purchases!), I'm not sure I really understand your post or why you think you are bad at budgeting.

In any case, if half of your salary goes on childcare and half, presumably, on your personal costs, it would seem more logical for your husband to stop the allowance and pay the monthly bills from his own account as well as the bigger house expenses.

Re the credit card bill, I think itemizing the costs and forwarding those to your husband is the best option. The longer you leave it the worse it will get.

[pie81]

petal you have said what I was thinking but wasn't quite brave enough to say

[NYE31]

I am always gobsmacked to read about people having "allowances" when they have given up work to look after children or earn less etc.

Your husband is woefully out of touch if he thinks his "allowance" will cover everything that he is expecting you to pay for it.

Have a joint account for everything & tell him that he owes you £10k for house repairs which will need to be paid - why on earth should you pay for it & get yourself out in debt not to mention the stress etc.

Good luck x

[juliantenniscoach]

Does your allowance include coffee breaks? No seriously, I'm with Petal and Pie, I don't get the arrangement. But, it's none of my business and you've asked for advice so.......................... Get someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours and spell it out as it is.

Money for emergencies like boiler repairs doesn't come out of allowances or goodwill, they are extraordinary expenses. As an accountant he'll understand that better than most of us. You're married after all.......you know..."richer for poorer.......". It's not that bad honest.

[supergirl]

I am with the others as well as in i dont get the arrangement that you have in place. And i really dont like the word allowance and the belittling it implies.

However i want to say that in my experience things like boiler repair, oven repair etc are things that yes needs to be spend on but needs to be discussed.
Things like painting a house is not absolutely necessary as in you can live with an awful colour or some cracks until you have the budget for it.

Maybe you feel this way because of all the other posters have said before but could it be also because you havent agreed on those expenses? Putting tgem on a credit card even at 0% was a mistake.

I might be old fashioned in my way of managing money but in my book you need to know HOW you are going to finance something before you purchase it.

I would be LIVID if my husband was increwing debts without my knowledge.

BUT you of course shouldnt be responsible for maintening house in regards to extraordinary expenses because it should be a joint decision. But you mismanaged by taking on debts.

This is call for a true conversation.

[NoodleFan]

I'm sorry if I'm over-stepping the mark but are you ok?
This doesn't sound like money is the issue at all. X

[flowery16]

I sympathise and agree with other posters re this bring shared responsibility. If you think you need hemp budgeting there are some great apps - I really like You Need A Budget - US site. Money Advice Service good too although may be closing soon. good luck!

[flowery16]

I sympathise and agree with other posters re this bring shared responsibility. If you think you need help budgeting there are some great apps - I really like You Need A Budget - US site. Money Advice Service good too although may be closing soon. good luck!

[hal]

You should tell him, regardless of what the cause of the debt is. Either you've incurred it entirely reasonably on your joint expenses, which is what it sounds like, or there is more to it than your post suggests - but either way you should feel/be able to tell your husband. It's the concealment that is the bigger issue and the fact you don't feel able to share these details with your husband.

I appreciate your post doesn't tell the whole or both sides of the story (either about your husband or you) but I agree with the others: the arrangement sounds very unusual.

We have always shared income in our house irrespective of source. I prefer to have a joint account and hate the idea of my wife or I having an allowance. Not only do I think it is a bit demeaning but also because I think the idea of an allowance not only suggests one can't be trusted with money but also that it's all disposable; it abrogates any responsibility - I'd much prefer that each of us has to take responsibility for the family finances and our individual spending decisions.

It may be that there are good reasons you've set yourselves up with this arrangement but it sounds like you need not only to tell him ASAP about the debt before it gets worse and starts to cost more, but also as a starting point to talk about your set up, which doesn't sound like a happy or well-functioning one for you.

But definitely tell him soon unless there are very good reasons not to. Best of luck!

[HeatherKT2]

Your question is 'how do I tell my husband'. My strong suggestion is to write it all down in to a budget. Budget is a scary word - so lets use the word list.

List out the expenses, put the date next to them. Add up to a total at the bottom.
On another list (same excel spreadsheet if you're using one) do a list of your current expenses on a monthly basis that you are responsible for. Then finally on another list do the income you have associated to your side of responsibilities. Sit down, show him and then you are sharing the information you have, rather than it being an issue that you own.

I slightly disagree with some of the comments on this thread, partly because one never knows how other relationships work and partly because you may have just used some language that to others seems odd. If you are happy with how your finances work in your relationship, then that's all that matters.

The issue you've asked about is how you share with your husband. Have all the information in front of you is the easiest way to do it in my opinion. It will help you sort it all through before the conversation and it shows that you have a grip on what is happening - past, present and future. My husband and I have these 'lists' and I live by them. I know what I'm responsible for, what he's responsible for and it means that even though money comes from different accounts and people its a shared financial view. He's a Financial Advisor and frankly his excel sheets scare the living sh*t out of me. My simple list is my way of stacking things up.

Hope that helps! Good luck. Am sure it will be fine once you've shared it.

[Thecouplescoach]

Hi

As a Relationship Coach I'd like to start by saying you are by no means alone in this sticky situation. A lot of couples / one half of a couple can find it really difficult to talk about money and it can create all sorts of issues. I have frequently seen couples who in every other respect are brilliant and communicate well but are hopeless at discussing anything to do with Finances and it can become a 'no go' area.

And often couples have very different approaches to money, both between them and compared to other couples. And there is absolutely no right and wrong. If your set up generally works well, and suits you both, or has worked well in the past then it's totally fine. Funnily enough I wrote a mini blog about it on my Facebook page recently as it crops up so often (I can't figure out how to link to the specific post but the page is www.facebook.com/thecouplescoach and it's a couple of posts down - I regularly post top tips to do with relationships / life incase it's of interest).

Clearly at the moment your system has had a bit of a hiccup. And it may be that you just need to have a chat about what to do with unexpected items that are not just ongoing regular bills. Also to make sure that it feels fair for both of you.

Perhaps it also feels difficult to have a conversation like that because you feel you will be criticised. As a side note here the 'jokes' about you being crap with money are only really jokes if they land with you like that, otherwise it can be quite demeaning and is a way of putting a partner down. Or possibly your relationship has developed some less than helpful communication patterns and perhaps you don't feel you can be fully open in general? Again a very common situation with longer term couples that can be easily remedied by talking about it and both agreeing how you want your communication to be.

I would suggest having the discussion as soon as possible because it's not going to get any better. And start by being honest that you find it hard to talk about, please don't criticise me but I need some help here etc etc. You know your Husband best. Hopefully as part of that you can design together how to stop finances spiralling out of control in the future.

Good luck and I hope it goes well,

Sue X
www.thecouplescoach.co.uk

[IrenaP]

Lots of interesting and useful posts here. My Dad is an accountant/ financial person and used to ask my mother to collect every receipt from our household spending! He had spreadsheets upon spreadsheets of household budgets. The good thing is that he planned money really well but both partners signed up to that system.

Looking back on it, it was pretty impressive but at the same time it must be pretty challenging and daunting being married to a proper money man/ person, when they have an air of self-righteousness because they are trained in that field etc. However having no credit card debt was my Dad's no 1 rule and this was the best kind of advice I ever received on finance. (It took a while before it sunk in though!)

In my opinion and also as a working part time mother of young kids in childcare, I would get this all off your chest and on the table and suggest that you try a different system to doing your household finances. Definitely get a joint account which you both have access to and use that to pay bills, household expenses, childcare etc. With your own account set aside a certain amount per month as your own spending - allowance is not a nice or respectful word if you are over 25 (and even that's pushing it.) it's just a personal spending budget.

But my biggest piece of advice is to be confident and stand your ground. You work just as hard as your husband does. You shouldn't feel that household expenses and family costs are your burden alone.