Would you take school fees from a parent on the basis that they will be heavily involved in the whole process Post Reply

[two minds]

Posting anon for obvious reasons.

We're starting to look at secondary schools and it will be a stretch but father-in-law has offered to pay.

That is all wonderful but he has said that he would like to start looking around the schools with us and taking an interest.

He is a kind, generous man but I am a little concerned that he will want to get involved in our decision making whereas in reality I really just want him to pay.

Has anyone managed to navigate a similar situation and do you have any advice? Also once one in "in" the school is it then easier to get fee assistance or is that all done before one joins?

[queenofhearts]

I would steer clear. Your family need to decide on the best school and education for your child.  What happens if you really like one school and he doesn't like it? And where will it end, GCSE options, A level choices? It has potential family fall out all over it. Sorry to be so gloomy. Can't speak for the last question as I don't have any experience. Good luck, tricky situation.

[HenryHoover]

I am not sure I would run from the opportunity to have fees paid so quickly. Maybe it is a case of agreeing in advance how and when your FIL will get involved ahead of taking his money.

[SWtastic]

I think communication is key here as you're unclear on what his expectations are.  It's an extremely generous offer but you all need to sit down and discuss the "terms" on which the money will be given before you agree to anything.  Then you can decide whether to proceed or not.

 

[Poppy0750]

I thought secondary schools choose based on 11+ or similar test results?
I would check school's bursary policy to see if your child and family could meet the criteria.

[kirstysimone55]

You have the wonderful gift of your father in law offering to pay the fees for your child.

In the long run, i don’t think it’s hard to suffer your father in law joining you on a couple of open days ?


Keep your fingers crossed and i hope you all like the same school. Otherwise , start an open discussion.

[CorianderStreet]

I’d be very wary - without this assistance would you be able to pay school fees (bearing in mind the swingeing yearly increases) or would it be completely impossible?
As far as I know, it’s very hard to get financial help from the school once your child has already started as the bursary and scholarship pot is divided up beforehand. In exceptional cases ie the death of the paying parent when a child is in an exam year, the school might let them stay on to finish their exams but I wouldn’t count on it as a strategy

[Mum-on-the-grid]

I spent the day with a friend who is a bursar at a fee paying school and asked your question. I hope his responses are helpful for you!

1) It is becoming increasingly common for grandparents to pay school fees as there are significant tax advantages for the grandparent. If you choose this route, he highly recommends you speak with a tax advisor to thoroughly benefit from the available tax relief. Additionally, it’s awkward to discuss but if you’re reliant on the payment, future payment provision should be included in a will should the grandparent pass away whilst the child is still in school.

2) Agree with previous posts that you shouldn’t join the school and then ask for retrospective relief in fees - you would be nowhere near the top of the aid list. You would be surprised by how many families go through life changing events (death, long term illness, divorce) that mean they genuinely suddenly can’t afford fees. In this instance the school does all it can to support children in exams and provide consistency.

3) Many schools do have bursary pots, but they are understandably competitive. You need to apply as soon as possible for these places and be aware they are often means tested and based on academic potential.

Wishing you all the best with your decision.

[Mum2Girlz]

In my experience at private school it’s common for grandparents to pay school fees, it’s kind and generous and they appreciate the fees are so much more than they had to pay for us, and the cost of living already exorbitant compared to when we were at school.
I’ve also heard of parents expressing a preference for a certain secondary school based on family tradition, usually a boarding school though this is less common now due to the highest fees, but ultimately the decision must be yours.
Does your headmaster give advice on which school is best suited to your child?
We reached an agreement beforehand that we weren’t considering boarding school, but would choose the school our headmaster advised was best suited and, or course, that she got into.
We explained that scholarships were offered to the most able children to tempt them to attend a particular school, but that if that wasn’t the best school for her, then we wouldn’t take it.
You may find the 11+ process makes the decision for you. I can quite understand them wanting to be in involved in the process as they’re paying for it, but maybe that just means looking round the schools with you rather than actually telling you which ones to apply to?
My parents have paid primary school fees and I send them the school reports and keep them updated. They’d never dream of influencing our decisions, but love to hear all about the grandchildrens progress and come to school plays etc. I’m pretty sure it’s why the schools hold grandparents days, as they’re well aware many are contributing and like to feel involved. Having a talk upfront my allay your concerns. I certainly wouldn’t turn the offer down though, fees go up rapidly and all the extras like school trips at secondary school add up. By receiving help with the school fees, we can afford more for our family and to pay for our children to make the most of the other opportunities offered by the school. And they’re not living in a home constantly worrying about money, as I did as a child.
Of course I don’t know your in laws, and if they’re prone to interfere and like to control, I can understand your concerns.

[To the Moon and back]

We had the exact same situation and unfortunately had to refuse it to the fear of not being able to cover the fees in case of any withdrawal from my father in law halfway through and the effect on that on our son would be more extreme than him going to a decent state school. Although my F in law is not at all trustworthy with his moods and actions as when it comes to his pride he can easily forget all about grandchildren or anybody as a matter of fact.

[Pluto]

Personally I wouldn’t touch this offer with a barge pole. Although a very kind and generous thought, it could lead to control over your choice of schools, which could lead to a very messy and difficult situation. My mother offered to pay half our son’s school fees, and for that reason we graciously declined. I didn’t want to be beholden to anyone else in the family, and I am also nervous of potential hidden motives.

[oliveryoungtqw]

I don't think it's worth it... I know it's a lot of money, but you have to be able to make decisions for yourself. Studying is way too important, and I would not take that risk. You must be sure that your kid is getting the best education and technologies, like for example good books, good computers, tablets, websites, flashcards like https://quizzes.studymoose.com/flashcards/dance/ for preparing to the exams and so on. Its a tough decision, but I would not accept the money if he gets involved.