MIL Post Reply

[Bubs]

My in-laws (2 hrs away but with a London crash pad) very often call, on one of my days off, and announce "hi, we're here". It's really destroying relations, surely it's just polite to enquire as to when might be a good week and take it from there - not book in regular slots, or turn up uninvited.

We need a grandparents handbook!

[vendredimanche]

Hello

I sympathise with the issue of MIL wanting to come regularly on your days off – you should be very firm there. It's your time, with your children. Absolutely fine to be selfish on that front in my view.

For the sleepovers, I have a different experience, but of course it will depend on the child – and I do understand when you say she is not ready. My twins have slept over at their grandparents from a very early age (we're talking 12 months old!) on a regular basis. Of course having each other must have made it easier, but I would have definitely done it also with a single child. Through regular sleepovers they created a fantastic bond with my MIL (one that I wish they have with my own mother, but she lives abroad). They get spoilt rotten on "Grandma days" (usually a pizza dinner and staying up watching Strictly, the Voice, you name it) and it does give me + husband some proper couple time. I will admit that the first few times were pretty tough – it was hard returning to a house at night with their empty beds, and I was constantly calling to check up on them (as well as leaving her a long list of instructions!). But fast-forward 7 years, they have spent many many nights and holidays with my MIL. We, the kids and my MIL all look forward to these nights. Win, win in my view.
VdM

[BFW]

You are so lucky Petal to have a MIL that wants to help / be involved / get to know your daughter !

We have no grandparents in the UK and I am so sad that my children will grow up having such a limited relationship with my parents and with my in laws as they only see them once / twice a year.

When the time is right for your daughter (i.e. when she feels comfortable to have a sleepover) grab the opportunity ! Personally I think she will thank you one day for giving letting her spend time with her grandmother and I love vendredimanche's post about her twins and her MIL - that is so what I would want for my children !

x

[ExitPursuedByABear]

If your daughter's not ready I think it's fine not to say no.

But just to give another angle ... I still have such lovely vivid memories of sleepovers with my granny - Walnut Whips, watching The Price is Right, poached eggs in the morning.

My parents had twins a year after me, so I loved those solo sleepovers - lovely to get someone's 100% attention and get spoiled. That said, I knew her very well - she lived round the corner.

[missingthesun]

You answered the question yourself - your daughter is not ready and neither are you!

There is no right or wrong way regards family - some people like a huge extended family being involved regularly with bringing up their children while others like to do their own thing and see their extended family less. Don't let anyone tell you what you 'should 'do - do what you feel is right for you and your direct family. In a couple of years you may feel differently about sleepovers and you daughter may be keen. But don't feel guilty about it if things don't change - you are just doing things your way.

I have friends who have never left their children overnight with grandparents and they are almost teenagers - and they have a great relationship with their GPs. I also have friends who take the opportunity for a few mini-breaks each year and really look forward to having some 'child-free time'. Do what works best for you.

My lovely PIL became a bit of a nightmare when they started having gc. They had retired and moved to a rural location. We would try and meet up when they wanted to see the gc but it got to a point where we were not getting any family time as we were seeing them all the time. They didn't understand that we were really busy in the week with work and school and clubs etc.. and needed weekends to catch up, see friends and have family time. We see them a lot less but look forward to it when we do. Life feels much less stressful now. I think the idea of agreeing to 'adhoc' visits first before committing to a regular slot may work. You could use the visits to go to the gym/meet friends for lunch/go to the supermarket but again don't agree it doesn't feel right.

[rugby]

MIL is husbands mum .....

She is doubtless feeling that she is a second grade granny

It is inevitable. But I suggest you know it isn't right, else you wouldn't have asked the question

You will soon be after all the childcare available, let go and see if daughter loves it

[mollys]

this is such an emotive subject, but I would say just give it a go!
Is your relationship with your MIL good enough that you can explain your worries to her without her getting offended or thinking you are mad (which you are not). If it is, then could you do a trial sleepover and have an understanding that you can phone as many times as you like to check things are ok ... and if they're not, then she is only an hour and a half away so you can just go and get her (assuming you have a car, can drive and are not over the limit from celebrating an uninterrupted date night with your hubby!)
I am really lucky and both my mother and MIL have been brilliant at looking after both my boys who are now 4 and 2 - and I have to say that quite apart from the selfish aspect which is that my husband and I get to spend proper time together alone, it has been really fantastic for developing a close bond between my children and their grandparents. Of course your children will still have that bond with theirs, but there is something special about Granny spoiling them when they go to stay.
Obviously you have to feel that it is a good idea, otherwise you will worry throughout your "time off" but perhaps it will just take one sleepover when your daughter comes back beaming and full of stories of things they got up to, and your mind will be put at rest.
But as I say, I am coming from a biased viewpoint of many happy sleepovers!
Good luck with whatever you decide

[headshrinker]

Surely the most important thing is what the little girl wants? Is she happy to go off to Granny's? If she isn't ready and might be scared/uncomfortable then it seems a little harsh to make her do it. Why not leave it up to her? Let her do it when she wants to. You want it to be a good experience after all. Just tell her that she can do it if she wants to and let her decide when she's ready.

[rugby]

Daughter will definitely get Mum's vibes, so probably somewhat unfair to load the highly political decision on a six year old ??

[headshrinker]

I always ask my kids how they feel about stuff like this. Sometimes they are up for it, sometimes they aren't. I try and respect that as far as possible. Isn't the point that it shouldn't be a 'political' issue at least not from the child's point of view...

[rugby]

Sorry not saying it shouldn't be discussed, just it shouldn't appear to be a 6yo decision

[SW12Mummy]

I had so many stay-over requests from the inlaws with my first son from 2yrs. I wasn't overly comfortable with it because he seemed too little and the inlaws live 2 hrs away. It was quite a lot of hassle to get him there or back for 1 or 2 nights off and any more nights felt too long. I avoided the topic and invited them to us on occasion and they stayed over and we went out in the evening. Waking up with a hangover to my inlaws soon wore off. However, now my son is 8yrs and he's been staying with the inlaws regularly for a couple of years and I feel completely differently about it. I love that he can go and play boardgames for 24hrs straight. He became old enough to tell me whether he wanted to go. My younger son, who is now 4yrs has never wanted to stay there - he says he's scared and tells them that! I'm glad I never sent him at 2yrs. You probably need to sound your daughter out on it and if she's keen arrange a time when it is a benefit to you not a hassle.
I also spent 5 years having my inlaws visit me on week-days. They would arrive at 1pm, stay all day and we'd have dinner with my husband in the evening and they would leave about 8pm or 9pm. Once my son started school I told my husband to suggest weekend visits would be best now - so he could be there too. There were only so many places or appointments I could pop out to. It was draining and a day I spent entertaining them. Don't do it!

[HikingGirl]

My in laws and parents live abroad, so an entirely different situation (no unexpected popping in). However, my son does have very different relationship with his 2 sets of gp's, and that can make things tricky. My principles are:
1. I want him to have a good relationship with his gp's (and feel they have the right to be a gp, even if they do things differently than I would). Mainly because I believe family are important, and I had a great relationship with my gp's. Also because I believe it's important to get to know other family's, houses and places so one gets more of an idea of how the world can be different, and some people have different views, life styles etc.
2. I would like to be fair and give both gp's equal opportunities to build that relationship. So it's not like I am counting my visiting days, but I do try and keep a balance with sleep overs etc.

However, I have tried to shape these things so it works for both me and my son. Unannounced visits aren't accepted, and we talked about that. My son finds it hard to sleep over on his own at 1 set of gp's, so I stay with him. And so on. I believe gp's have rights too. Somehow it seems the in-laws are more easily ignored, which seems rather unfair to me. A MIL I know had to work all her political skills to be allowed near the baby in the first 2 weeks, whereas the daughters's mum had been around from birth onwards. Just because mum felt comfortable having her own mum around.

That said, it doesn't have to be on their terms, and it doesn't HAVE to be sleepovers. Agree though, useful to get children used to sleepovers. Before you know it they will be going on school camp!