Don't know what to do... Post Reply

[hopeless]

I never thought I'd be doing this.. but I really need some advice.

Long story short, my husband and I have been together for a long time and have a beautiful baby girl. We have moved around quite a bit, and his successful career, as a result, has suffered - since it was always with my job that we moved. Right now he has been unemployed for over a year... And he is so depressed.. Very depressed..

Our relationship has changed a lot of course. As his motivation is completely gone, I am doing it all.. Work, home, baby.. everything.. with no appreciation. His kind and sweet temperament has changed - and now he is just mean and disrespectful. I don't recognize him one bit..

He was taking medication but as of last week he decided that he no longer needs them - because he is 'fine'.. Which couldn't be further from the truth - but even if it was accurate, I know you can't just stop taking them - you have to ease out of these types of medication.

So... I don't know what to do. Right now I am not even sure if he is looking for a job - his motivation being next to nothing. I am tired - exhausted really, physically but more importantly, emotionally. I've tried everything. He is not the person I have married. For the longest time, I felt guilty for his situation - since it was because of me that we moved.. but now I don't know what to feel anymore.. My strength is all gone. I am trying to hold on to something - anything - for our future, but it just seems further and further away..

We went to see a couples therapist - but truthfully, I don't think that's the answer - our problems are because of his depression - he doesn't act rational one bit. Our good days are incredible, but our bad days..

He was supposed to see a psychiatrist next week - but now that he has decided he is fine, I don't even know if will..

What do I do? I feel so hopeless in this situation. I love him more than anything - but I need to think of my baby and myself...

[Seb]

Ok, from a blokes perspective and with a little insight (but no training) into this sort of thing.

1) you can't solve it on your own. It sounds like he is properly depressed and as such he needs proper help

2) him claiming he is fine is just a further sympton and he also probably (on good days) doesn't want to admit how bad it is

3) you need to get him to seek help, nothing else. You CAN'T solve it on your own and to do so will only make it worse/intolerable on him.

My thoughts (and I'm not trained I want to say that again)

1) does he have friend/family who can nicely put it to him that he needs help?
2) between the two/three of you can you sit down with him and explain why it's not working? Don't do this after an argument or when he is feeling low, do it when he is up so he can be more receptive?
3) if that doesn't work can you do couples councelling which you sort out and might be a gateway to more self-insight for him?

Good luck, do keep us posted and I hope this helps

S

[Career Coach Mum]

I really feel for you.....
My husband was in a similar place to yours when my daughter was a baby: unemployed, depressed and no motivation. When people, especially men are without employment it really effects their self esteem and sense of identity. I'm not sure pills are the answer. What helped my husband was going to see a qualified Career Coach. Within 6 sessions he'd regained his confidence; had a clear vision of where he was going; had a new CV and job search plan. Within
3 months he found the perfect job for him and he was back to his happy normal confident self.
That was 13 years ago and I was training to be a Career Coach at the time. Now I specialise in helping people like your husband and my husband; adults who need help navigating their way to a career which brings them happiness and fulfilment.
If he would like to get in touch for a free confidential 30 minute chat on the phone, he can contact me on : lila.veltze@blueyonder.co.uk

[naf77]

I agree with the 2nd post - the root of the problem is that he doesn't have a career and that's affected his confidence - especially as we live in a world where 1) the guy is often seen as the bread winner 2) ppl careers defines them to them.

I have in some sort of way been in your husbands shoes and can understand how he might feel (though men don't often like to talk) and have a friend whose husband has had a very similar story like yours. Personally I think a combination of things might be helpful - career coach, couple's therapy (I'd really recommend geoff - g.warburton@btinternet.com) & perhaps taking up some sort of an excersice - there is plenty of research out there that demonstrates that excercise (I am personally an advocate of yoga)
There are various ways to deal with depression, medication is only one of them.

Last but not least, please do take care of yourself as well as you don't want to get burned out.

Best of luck!

[Career Coach Mum]

One more piece of advice I wanted to add based on my personal experiences is: don't give up on him, and don't give up on the dream of 'normal' family life.....
This will pass, once he's got the help he needs. Men often lash out at nearest and dearest when stressed and scared. And that's probably how he feels right now - scared.
Experiences like this only make you stronger, and the good thing is, afterwards you won't get nearly so stressed about the little things in life.

One more thing that's really important. Look after yourself. You've been through a lot, and it must seem unfair that now you want a bit of a break from work to look after your baby, you are faced with this crisis in your partner. I suggest you find a counsellor to have a weekly chat with for an hour. It will help so much to talk it through with someone impartial.

sending you postive thoughts and warm wishes

[DavidT]

Dear hopeless,

Sorry to hear about what's going on for you and your family. It sounds like a very difficult situation in which both you and your husband could do with some support. Ultimately you can probably only nudge him in the right direction, he has to want to seek help himself to be able to make things start to change.

You, however, are very clearly saying here that you are emotionally exhausted and feeling "hopeless" and asking the forum for help. So, agreeing with Career Coach Mum, I would recommend speaking to someone yourself.

As a qualified BACP registered counsellor/psychotherapist I might be biased of course! However I work locally and if either of you want to contact me for chat or just a steer in the right direction (it can be pretty confusing with all the different psychological options out there) please do message me. I'd be very happy to help you.

All the best to all three of you,

DavidT

[Tigermum]

Hi Hopeless,

As someone not qualified and not offering their services, this does sound difficult.

I don't think that your partner would want to admit they have a problem and reflect his vulnerability to himself and his family and friends. It may be far too difficult at this stage, as he probably feels too low and perhaps without the hope and resilience he had before. Maybe doesn't have the drive he once had to get out of this situation (and can't show or admit to others he needs help). If he is depressed he may not be ready for work quite yet.

Especially since he seemed to be the kind and caring person you described and is now possibly is quite closed, withdrawn and abrasive.

You will need to look after yourself and perhaps seek support and be mindful of this. I think as previously mentioned. You have the whole household on your shoulders. You need to energise as this will pull you all the way down too. It is too easy to blame yourself, don't feel guilty, even though sacrifices were made, no one would've foreseen or expected this.

I'm not sure he will engage in any help until he can accept he is depressed or has challenges at the moment. If he can recognise this, maybe counselling might be constructive step. Don't be afraid to ask for help from those around you and even from other services at this time, don't let yourself become isolated from overwork and exhaustion and make sure you have some much needed care and people to listen to you at this time.

Unfortunately you are not in control of your partner's behavior, he needs to want to change.

I am not sure how helpful this is (so my apologies in advance), luv from me and Nappy Valley x