Please, help me to make a decision Post Reply

[Nell200]

I would be interested in joining up with our children with other women whose children have been donor babies, I find it is extremely rare to come across someone who has had a baby this way, or is prepared to admit it - God knows why!
My daughter was donor on both sides. We were living in America and used the same IVF clinic as Madona as I thought if she with all her money chose this one there must be a good reason!
Anyway the consultant was amazing, things are very different there you get to choose from a catalogue of donors and can pay extra to be able to keep in touch with them for you whole child's life if you want. My husband kept choosing women who looked like Pamela Anderson - I was like they are supposed to look like us!!
Funny thing being I chose donor for dark hair and dark eyes like him and daughter had bright blue eyes and long blonde hair! We also paid extra to be able to see the male donors and keep in touch with them--my that was a shock! Most of them were fat, balding weird looking men! We were lucky that there was a very nice young student who looked the spit of my husband.
Our daughter was the second attempt and was our last two frozen eggs, one died in womb for which I will always wonder what they have been like. From the start we have always always been honest about our daughters' heritage. I felt to do anything else was to live a lie for her and us.
She has never ever had a problem with it. She accepted it from day one. She has photos of her birth mother but shows no interest in her really and has never asked to meet her. Me and her have the closest, closest relationship you could ever imagine.
There is also the whole 'family history' moment in hospital and at doctors which is another reason why I was always honest with her.I think the difference between children being able to accept donor easier than adoption is that they were a gift - even if it was for money - and adoption is often about rejection.
I would be interested in meeting mothers and children in same position as I think as children grow up, mine is now 12, there may be interested in speaking to other children who are in their position and with who they can discuss things.
The only problems I have ever encountered is with other people who don't seem to understand donor at all, can't imagine how you could love and carry a child who isn't 'yours' or tell them the truth.
I believe very much that the original posters message is a very personal one that only she can answer. If she feels she cannot envisage a life with a disabled child - and two friends of mine have severely disabled children for whom I see their total love but also their total despair at the lives they have never had despite all the joy and love their child gives - then donor is a good route.
As for clinics, I would feel uneasy with the first clinic she visited. Our first IVF clinic in LA just felt like a moneymaking machine where all they cared about was money. The donor clinic was very different, nothing was rushed and you always felt that it was your decision and that they weren't just after making money. I hope you reach your decision and to other donor mums I would love to meet up, we are at the moment quite a small but growing group!!

[Nell200]

I would be interested in joining up with our children with other women whose children have been donor babies, I find it is extremely rare to come across someone who has had a baby this way, or is prepared to admit it - God knows why!
My daughter was donor on both sides. We were living in America and used the same IVF clinic as Madona as I thought if she with all her money chose this one there must be a good reason!
Anyway the consultant was amazing, things are very different there you get to choose from a catalogue of donors and can pay extra to be able to keep in touch with them for you whole child's life if you want. My husband kept choosing women who looked like Pamela Anderson - I was like they are supposed to look like us!!
Funny thing being I chose donor for dark hair and dark eyes like him and daughter had bright blue eyes and long blonde hair! We also paid extra to be able to see the male donors and keep in touch with them--my that was a shock! Most of them were fat, balding weird looking men! We were lucky that there was a very nice young student who looked the spit of my husband.
Our daughter was the second attempt and was our last two frozen eggs, one died in womb for which I will always wonder what they have been like. From the start we have always always been honest about our daughters' heritage. I felt to do anything else was to live a lie for her and us.
She has never ever had a problem with it. She accepted it from day one. She has photos of her birth mother but shows no interest in her really and has never asked to meet her. Me and her have the closest, closest relationship you could ever imagine.
There is also the whole 'family history' moment in hospital and at doctors which is another reason why I was always honest with her.I think the difference between children being able to accept donor easier than adoption is that they were a gift - even if it was for money - and adoption is often about rejection.
I would be interested in meeting mothers and children in same position as I think as children grow up, mine is now 12, there may be interested in speaking to other children who are in their position and with who they can discuss things.
The only problems I have ever encountered is with other people who don't seem to understand donor at all, can't imagine how you could love and carry a child who isn't 'yours' or tell them the truth.
I believe very much that the original posters message is a very personal one that only she can answer. If she feels she cannot envisage a life with a disabled child - and two friends of mine have severely disabled children for whom I see their total love but also their total despair at the lives they have never had despite all the joy and love their child gives - then donor is a good route.
As for clinics, I would feel uneasy with the first clinic she visited. Our first IVF clinic in LA just felt like a moneymaking machine where all they cared about was money. The donor clinic was very different, nothing was rushed and you always felt that it was your decision and that they weren't just after making money. I hope you reach your decision and to other donor mums I would love to meet up, we are at the moment quite a small but growing group!!

[Lulubear]

My second child was conceived through donor egg ivf so I have some understanding of your dilemmas. I'd like to suggest a few things to research. Firstly, have you heard of PGS - preimplantation genetic screening? Some IVF clinics offer to test embryos before implantation for genetic abnormalities. If you haven't already discussed this with a clinic or geneticist then it may be worth researching this as an option where you would not need to use a donor.

Secondly, if Annabel does not mind, I would like to suggest a website forum to look at where you may be able to get insight into the clinics you are considering. It is called Fertility Friends and there are loads of discussion threads on there about particular clinics worldwide.

In choosing a clinic, I think you are right to be holding back on your choice based on what you observed. I wouldn't rush your decision unless time is not on your side (and that is less likely to be a problem if you are using a donor). I took a long time to plump for donor egg IVF and to then chose where to do it.

There is also an organisation called the Donor Conception Network who may be able to offer you some advice to help your decision.

Regarding the chaotic/busy nature of one clinic versus the quiet clinic. I would try to find out their success rates and scrutinise how they have calculated them. There's quite a lot of guidance available on how to scrutinise and what to look out for in the presentation of statistics on websites such as Fertility Friends. Secondly, chaos/busyness can carry risks. You want them to be organised enough to ensure they are following the right treatment protocol with you and your donor for example. I had treatment in a 'respectable' London based clinic but they still weren't terribly organised and the first round of treatment failed because the IVF nurses did not administer the right medications at the right times to me and the donor (didn't follow the bespoke treatment plan that had been devised by the consultant). When clinics are busy corners can get cut. My treatment worked the second time because I was more aware of the failings by then and very proactive in querying everything so I picked up on their mistakes and challenged them!

That said, successful clinics are often very busy. I have had one hour waiting times for an appointment in a popular London clinic and experienced other examples of disorganisation or lack of attention to detail in more than one clinic in London because they are busy. So the clinic you visited that was really busy could be one with a very good success rate - you need to find out as much as you can.

One thing you may want to consider is whether you would like your child to be able to find out more about their donor in the future. In the UK details of the donor are kept on record and your child is entitled to find out about them at the age of 18. There is a school of thought that children may want the opportunity to know more about their origins to satisfy their curiousity (assuming you will tell them their true origins which is generally recommended as they could find out in the future anyway). If you have treatment in the UK this will be possible but not if you have treatment in most overseas countries.

I am happy to chat further by PM if you have any questions or need any more suggestions.

I am also interested in making contact with any group that forms locally of parents with donor-conceived children.

[lollypop2017]

Free wind, I think seeing a donor’s 3D photo is a nice opportunity, however. It can give you a better opportunity to find an appropriate egg donor. However, did they charge any additional fees for this opportunity. My close friend who has experienced DE IVF recently told me that some clinics may offer some unnecessary services or ask you do some additional health tests to make some money. Did you also have to pay for the opportunity to look at the donor’s 3D photos?
P.S. Could you please share the name of this clinic? Or its location? I want to browse some more information about such kind of service.

[Free wind]

No, they didn’t charge any additional fees. The clinic we’ve dealt with charges only a fixed sum. As we booked several shots, this sum was divided into several installments. We could make the payment either in cash or via a bank transfer. For us, it was really very handy as we could plan our expenses. Btw, we deal with biotexcom. It’s a Ukrainian fertility clinic.

[Free wind]

I don’t think Ukraine is a nice place to go. Especially, nowadays! This country is very poor! In addition, it’s at war. I don’t even know whether it’s safe to go there. If I were I would look for a better place for cycling.
P.S. Even if you decide to deal with a Ukrainian clinic, find out whether it’s really safe to visit this country or not.

[GreenClover]

Hi, OP! As far as I’ve understood, you’ve already been to Ukraine.My hubby and I visited it 6 months ago. The things in Ukraine aren’t as bad as you might think. We visited Kiev. It’s the capital city of Ukraine. The ciy turned to be very peaceful and moden. There is much to see there. In addition,it’s a cheap one.

[Free wind]

Hi, GteenClover. Thanks for your feedback about Ukraine. I think I should get more information about this country before writing anything. OP, even if you decide to go anywhere, you need to prepare your visit to that country. I mean you require to find an accommodation and know how to orientate in the city. You should be ready that not all people are perfect English-speakers. You may need to hire an interpreter.