what's the perfect age gap between siblings? Post Reply

[ckwmum]

Of course I realise the answer is totally subjective, but it's something that really interests me. I only have one child at the moment and had always assumed a 2 year gap was the ideal, probably purely because that's what I have with my sister. Now that I'm a parent myself and having seen friends and family do the 2 year gap, it seems like total madness as the older sibling is too young to fully understand and be of any help, plus they still really need you. So I'm newly converted to a minimum of a 3 year gap and would love to know what others think. A friend who has a 3 year gap with a sibling swears it just doesn't work, the older one has had too long alone to ever deal well with a younger child.

I know this is probably very contentious for some people but I'm really interested in hearing people's views - of course there's no real right and wrong here.

Any thoughts?

[Mama]

I am glad to see I am not the only one asking myself the same question.
I left a 3 year gap purely because I think it is easier if the older child understands, I even get some help from her every now and then! On the other hand, the adaptation is a bit tricky sometimes, a fine line between cuddling and smothering...
I believe there is no right and wrong answer, but I guess my advise is to follow your gut feeling more than anything else.
Good luck and enjoy it all! no matter what, it will always be exhausting, even when it is a walk in the park!!!

[SJ1979]

I have a 4.5 year age gap between me and my older sister and we've always been very close. She said her life began the day I was born as she was at school, there was never any jealousy, and she understood about having a baby sister and didn't feel threatened by me. If we ever have a second child, our daughter is nearly 3, it will probably be the same age gap, but then we don't want a large family.

All I would say is there is no rush, and it is hard as often one feels the pressure to have them close together, all my NCT group apart from myself and one other have all had their second child already (and a few of them have admitted the gap is too close). Some have the view of 'get it over with' but I personally don't feel this is right for me.

Do what is best for you and your family. And as my husband keeps on reminding me, we'll have another child if / and when we can afford another but for now we're enjoying our little girl!

[Raspberry-Sorbet]

We have a 3 year gap (11 days between their birthdays) and for us it has been perfect. I did a few things that I think made the new arrival an acceptable and exciting part of my older daughter's life.

Throughout my pregnancy, I took her to the scans and midwife appointments and always said the baby was her baby.
When she came to the hospital the first time, my husband text me when he was in the corridor so I could put the baby in the cot - next to a present- before she came in the room. That meant my arms were empty to cuddle her and even more exciting there was a big present that the baby had brought with her out of my tummy. I know that's slightly barking but perhaps not any more so than the Father Christmas concept! At home, I involved her lots and even had her doing the cotton wool bit at nappy changing time. I actually made the mistake of not involving the baby at story times etc and my daughter complained that she didn't see the baby enough.

All that said, I breast fed solely for months which meant I was holding the baby a lot but it never seemed to be a problem plus I had 6 days in the hospital post natal and daily appointments for 2 weeks before the birth. So for that time, the baby was all consuming but I think the above things made sure that there was no problem when we were finally back to normal. One year on I have not had one bit of bad behavior in reaction to the baby. Plenty of strops because I have said "no" about something but her baby sister is adored!

[mumsw16]

I'm glad this has come up too! I've always wanted a 3-4 year gap between my children. My little one is just coming up to a year old and I'm fed up with people asking when we are going to try for another

I can't think of anything worse than having two close together. I want to enjoy my time with my little one, I waited long enough for him.

The only thing I don't have on my side is time, I'm nearly 38. But I'm not going to stress about it, what will be will be

[topmama]

I was once told that the best gap was either less than 18 months (1st baby so young doesn't really remember life before next baby) or over 3 years (usually only new baby in nappies and older child can help out and may start nursery etc).

We have a 16 month gap between our two....which was a bit of an accident and hard work. There are some positives to 2 under 2 years - they both sleep for 2 hours in the middle of the day but I change loads of nappies a day!! My son did become more difficult when the new baby arrived and he can be mean to her push/hitting etc but that had got better as she got older and she was no longer being breastfed and so attached to me. Hopefully they will be good friends when they are older.

My partner has 13 months between him and his sibling and they don't get on. They have very different personalities and I think if there were 1 or 10 years between them they probably would not get on. I have a twin sister and we are still best friends.

So...I don't think there is a perfect gap, the gap doesn't really matters as you get older and your personality and the way your parents treat you probably most influences how well you get on with your siblings.

[Honeymummy]

4.5 years between our daughters and it works really well. We'll have to see when they grow but so far it looks very much like what Suzy said.

[kiwimummy]

i have read somewhere - i forget where - that the perfect gap is either less than 18 months or more than 3 years. less than 18 months, they are too small to be really jealous and forget there was ever life before a sibling; 3 or more, they are mature enough to cope.

i didn't take the advice, we have a 20 month gap and we're fine personally, i would have thought 2 years is fine.

[MrsAmanda]

Ha, Kiwimummy, we didn't take that advice, either!

20 months between my two boys, too. Not sure there is such a thing as 'perfect' gap. We're getting along ok, not much in the way of jealousy from my toddler when his brother arrived. They're not old enough to fight, yet, though ...

[DinosMom]

It will be different for every family and your lifestyle, I think. But, I am due with my 2nd in 2 weeks and my son will be turning 4 about 1 week later. For us a 4 year gap was great b/c I nursed him for 2 years and wanted my son to have all the attention he needed. He'll be starting preschool in September and has more independence now. He talks all the time about helping out with the baby and that "mommy needs his help". My husband and his sister are 3 years apart and got along great. My brothers and I are very close together and we got along b/c we were too young to know any difference. My brother is only 11 months younger than me and my other brother is only 14 months younger than him. So, I think the under 18 months or over 3-4 years may be less stressful for everyone. But again, a 2 year gap may work well for a family, too.

[Stigi]

I have 3 children. There is 19 months between my first and second and I really like that they are so close in age. They are really sweet together and great friends. Of course they do have arguments but on the whole they get on really well. I do have to say that when my 2nd tuned 19 months it made me realise that my first was still a baby when number 2 was born although at the time I thought he was alot older. As previous posts have said I think that my eldest was too young to realise what was going on and so he has only ever known having someone else there. I left a bigger age gap before having my third - my eldest was 4 and 1/4. I was slightly worried that my 2nd would be jealous but they have both really taken to having a baby about.

Personally I think a small age gap between your first and 2nd is good and then age gap for next babies doesn't really matter.

x

[dot1]

As a mum of older childen can I just point out that a badly timed 2 year gap can mean a horrible GCSE/A-level revision/exam clash! Seems like a million miles away to some of you I know. . . Good luck with whatever you decide, I thought I'd got it right gap-wise and then had twins second time around.

[snowyhunter]

It might be too late for you but 17 months worked for me although it was not planned. When my daughter arrived by boy was too small to really care about her and fortunately has never questioned her presence since. It is HARD work for the first year if you don't have external help or family nearby but we are reaping the rewards now. They are a school year apart and do everything together. It's a big leap of faith to take especialy when you consider that you would be pregnant again when your first is only 9 months old. Good luck.

[ckwmum]

Thanks everyone for your input. It's really interesting to hear about all the different experiences people have had. I wasn't so much asking for advice as to what I should do, I just find it fascinating to hear what seems to work well.

I think it probably does come down to how you handle it as a parent so if you feel ready for another baby, that's the time to have one!

And yes, I've seen that no matter what the age gap, it's harder with two!

I think I really want my son to have my undivided attention for as long as possible, although that then makes me wonder if he'll miss that attention even more when the next one finally comes along! No easy answers I guess...

[ckwmum]

Hi again, sorry to bring this up again but I thought this was worth a mention! I was told the other day that apparently if you leave it more than 5 years between babies, your body forgets how to give birth - ie it's usually easier, shorter labour second time around, but not if the gap is 5 years or more.

And also, apparently if there's more than a 6 year gap then siblings are never in the same stage of life, even as adults so it can be harder for them to act like siblings; the older one generally behaves more like an extra parent or care-giver to the younger one.

Like I said at the start, I'm sure these are huge generalizations on a very subjective issue and I'm sure other people will have had totally the opposite experience.