Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work" Post Reply

[Affair?]

I've been with my other half for a very long time and we have two children.

I am a regular user on this site but I have registered a different name for this post for obvious reasons.

I love my OH and we have a reasonanbly happy home life. He works hard and I think we have a nice "home". The problem is the spark isn't there anymore and although I don't dislike him I don't fancy him like I used to. Bascially we just don't sleep together anymore.

There is a someone I have got close to, nothing has happened, and I am wondering if I should take it further. I don't want advice from anyone from a moral perspective, but prior to meeting this bloke, I was of the opinion that any form of straying was a slippery slope and it was the begininng of the end. I am now wondering if I can see this bloke as a bit of "me time" without it impacting anyone else?

So this is my question. Has anyone else managed to have a casual fling without destroying their home life?

Please don't wade in with moral stuff, I don't want to hear that, its if anyone has ever made it work that I want to know.

Thank you

[ellta]

Have come across a few affairs over the course of my life- yet to see one that didn't end up in the destruction of someone/ family along the way. Sorry. That said my dad has been seemingly happily married to the woman he left my mum to be with for over 25 years. Again though his relationship with us suffered massively. I guess there may be some put there that meet needs without threatening other relationships under the radar, but would caution that this is dangerous ground. Good luck!

[Incognito]

Hello

Yes I'm a regular poster and I have been having an affair. I was in a very similar situation to you, my Husband and I got on but there wasn't any real affection there and sex was non existant.

I met a man whom I was immediately attracted to and knew that he felt the same way. We started off slowly, going for coffee then walks in the park etc then one day we went for a drive and ended up ravaging each other in the car like teenagers I have to say I enjoyed every minute of it and it made me feel like my old self again! We met up quite regularly, yes it was physical but we used to do other things as well and the inevitable happened. We fell in love. None of us wanted to end our marriages as we both have kids etc but we found each ourselves in a difficult situation. This definitely wasn't the plan but I have to admit I enjoyed having someone fall for me and have the excitement and butterflies etc again. I have since tried to distance myself from him and ended it as of yesterday but I have to admit I'm really gutted. Just think about what you really want before you go into it, it can be great!

PM me if you want to chat about it more x

[Incognito]

Forgot to add that it actually improved both of our marriages as we were more content and happy and not dwelling on what we weren't getting from our Partners which made home life a lot nicer .

[Affair?]

Thank you for the reply and for the kind offer of DM'ing you.

I won't DM as I am paranoid about any messages appearing on my Blackerry or email but thank you nonetheless.

I think what is interesting about your comment is it confirms something I was worried about, that it is difficult to make it work. I don't think I want to lose my marriage, but I would worry about getting in "too deep".

Basically I am concerned that I wouldn't be able to leave it at just a casual relationship

[Incognito]

I guess it depends on how you feel about this man. If you just fancy him physically then I'd say go for it! Not everyone would agree with that advice but it did wonders for me and my low self esteem, it made me feel wanted and alive again so to speak. It gave me something to look forward to and put a smile on my face again! Like I said before I was much happier at home and I think our marriage benefited from it.

If however you feel that you have some other feelings for him then I would stay clear. We started doing things like going out for dinner and talking constantly on msn etc which was probably not a good idea and very risky. As a result we got very close and we both got frustrated with the situation as we could do nothing to change it.

If I could rewind time I would still go ahead with it but maybe protect my feelings a little more.

[Roxron]

I had an affair 9 years ago and we now have 2 children together.
I was very unhappy in my marriage and the spark had definitely gone so when another man took an interest in me and made me feel sexy just by looking at me I stupidly thought I could just have a physical affair. But then because sex with my lover was so exciting the occasional sex with my husband became incredibly dull. About a year into the affair my lover and I both decided to leave our respective partners to be together as we were confusing lust for love. Don't get me wrong I do love him but that came over the following year as we got to know each other properly. We are very happy and we now have 2 gorgeous children, we also still have a great physical relationship. But I'm not sure I love him as much as my first husband. He was my childhood sweetheart and it breaks my heart that I broke his heart, he didn't deserve it, he deserved me to make the effort to put our relationship right not merely look for something else.
I guess the point of my post is that the grass isn't necessary greener. A wonderful affair can make you feel desired but the guilt can also tear you apart. And if by any chance you 'fall in love' and decide to be with your lover then unfortunately real life will soon set in and the excitement will sadly fade.

[Affair?]

Thank you again for being so honest.

Again, your comments highlight what worries me.

If I felt I could almost have the equivalent of a "holiday fling" then I would be tempted. However, I am increasingly thinking that it is impossible to compartmentalise such feelings and once I start seeing this other relatinoship then there will be no turning back.

[Incognito]

I just re read your opening post and you said you have gotten close to this man, so it seems it's not just a physical thing. To be honest it didn't affect my marriage as neither of us were ever going to leave our partners and they were never suspicious. Maybe talk about both of your expectations so no one gets hurt.

[juliantenniscoach]

in answer to the question the answer is 'yes' but only for their own ends. affairs are very rarely equal in terms of satisfaction, aspiration and responsibility. if you mean do I know anyone who had the 'happy ending' resulting from those circumstances then no I don't.

[Home Grown]

As someone who has been married for 11 yrs and been through lots of ups and downs but still happily in love and having a great relationship despite lots of troubles. Can I suggest The Marriage Course? It's run by Nikki and Silla Lee at HTB in South KEnsington. Although it's at a church, it's not a Christian course. We went onto it and it has saved our marriage and many others. You can be happy with your husband, have great sex, feel sexy and keep things alive. You just have to work on it, do something different. Surprise him with some sexy outfit/ go on a date somewhere exciting. Being in a boring routine is what ruins so many marriages. The next guy will also become boring at some point.

Just an idea. All the best

[Mistress]

I am having an affair with a married man, he says that I give him everything that he does not get from his wife, intimacy, affection, sex, chemistry, friendship although he loves his wife ( and I do not doubt that) he just can not live without the passion. Its just not about sex, and I think it rarely is just about sex but he has said that having me in his life somehow makes his marriage work as he is more content not sure I entirely agree with this but this is what he tells me.

Hoping that the affair comes to a natural end, it just burns out but its been going on for a while and keeps getting more passionate, more emotionally intense and we are spending more time together, and we are definitely emotionally involved with each other and its only going to end in tears, every ones tears if anyone was to find out.

Not sure if this helps you or not, but I am not married, perhaps the affair would less complicated if I was married ( and not living in the next street)

We both struggle with what we are doing but it feels right, we feel right for each other...........I don't know, who knows why these things happen but know one knows what a relationship is like except for the two people in it.

I've never told anyone this before.

[JPK]

Hi all, I'm really affected by reading these posts and particularly by the fact that so many of you are experiencing this pain, indecision and distress in isolation.
I’ve been on the three sides of this dilemma and have experienced how difficult and demanding each role is. I understand what the burden of pressure such secrecy demands is, whilst you’re also struggling to function in a normal life. I also know from experience what a risk it can be to open up to friends not knowing how accepting/damning they will be.
I'm wary of my post being seen as a business opportunity, but I’m merely inviting you to seek support from someone who won’t judge you or reject you and will help you survive through a turbulent time. I sought therapy when I was in such a situation and now as a therapist myself, I offer support to others in similar situations. I really hope that you manage to find out what your heart desires and find the happiness you deserve in life.
Keep well!

[elliethousand]

Who knows what making an affair 'work' means?? problem is that you are both human beings with all the capacity for messing things up that brings. You might say you don't want to fall in love, but what if one does, the other doesn't, or both do??
In the end, you will do what your feelings lead you to do. That's just what happens. We can only share our respective experiences with you, but none of it is any guarantee of what will happen in your own situation. Good luck, whatever path you go down. I hope I can say we'll all be here for you if you need support/shoulder to cry on/etc.

[anon1]

A few years ago I had an affair with my now husband. We were both married and decided to leave our spouses. Was it worth it? Our relationship is strong, we still have fun together and our children are wonderful. But like Roxron I don't love my husband the same as I did my first. I think that's because what we did changed us into people we weren't before. We broke innocent hearts for selfish pleasure. I can't speak for my husband but not a day goes by that I don't feel some sort of guilt, regret or fear. It's difficult to trust my husband because I know what he's capable of and I know he feels the same toward me. The guilt is the worst - initially it almost tore me apart. I was happy in my relationship but hated myself, hated the person I'd become. These feelings lessoned with time but this will be part of me and us forever.