Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work" Post Reply

[Mistress]

I understand what you are saying, as what hope is therefor a relationship born out of an affair, the relationship is already fractured. I don't know.

[sitter]

i wouldnt bother , think of your children and hubby,it not worth it for a bit of sex.

[Miss_Muppet]

Hi
I'm a regular and happy reader of the emails but have never posted a topic or reply and have registered just now to reply particularly to your post.

I have been through what you and many other women may be going through, many times in the last 7 years, so thought I should at least contribute if it helps.
Yes, if your careful and clever enough you can avoid 'trouble' and have a fling or 'me-time' on the side for yeeeears with out any one finding out, clever still is when you can end them with out heartbreaking problems when u need to as well BUT .....take it from me, no matter how hard you try, you can NOT make it work, simply put, it just won't, in fact...it's not worth it. It destroys you up in side, makes you hollow

I've been there ( a number of times) felt great, excited, loved and appreciated, had my casual flings ended them due to certain circumstances and not been found out (most of them weren't married or in a relationship and left the one who lied to me about being single straight after I found out). Your current status seems you may or may not be taking a certain relationship further, this will change and keep changing, it's only natural, that's how you've ended up in this stage in the first place, I could go on and show u all the dark sides of what may happen is such a situation but in short, this will only bring you real pain and suffering and if not any of that then it will certainly not bring you any benefit at all.

Sure it's tempting but if you could somehow avoid taking this any further and keep it at a comfortable level then you'll not only enjoy it, you'll surely become strong and keep getting strong-er. If only I could turn back time, if only I knew then what I know now, I'd be a much stronger woman.

By the sound of your post, you seem like an intelligent lady who is a bit cautious at the same time.... I would say trust in yourself... never mind making an affair 'work'.....your smart enough to make anything work....that includes ....... re-introducing the sparks in your *********marriage*********

[Affair?]

Thank you for all of the replies.

I've been reading them and alternating between welling up at some of them and gaining strength and resolve from others.

I know that my relationship isn't working, but lots of stuff in life doesn't work, does it? This is not about living in a romantic movie and happy ever after but the real world and the compromises that come with that.

I still need to reflect on the situation but thank you again and for making me feel more informed and supported.

[juliantenniscoach]

anon - that was a very, very honest post. all credit to you.

[cheshirecat]

I agree with the person who suggested working on your marriage. Affairs don't save marriages because although it might make you realise how much you love your husband, if he ever finds out he will loose his feelings of trust for you. It's a loose loose situation.

I had a problem in my marriage a few years back and we both signed up for dating sites, it was all very exciting and new but I quickly realised that no matter how great those people seemed to be, they too would have their problems. I started to remember how our relationship used to be, all the things we've shared over the years. We started working on our relationship because our friendship was still there. We now have a great sex life and our friendship is stronger than ever.

Have you tried opening up to your husband, go for a coffee with him and tell him how you feel. Try and spend some nights together, make time for each other, even if it's just 5 minutes before bed. You sound like you need to re-connect. It doesn't have to be about butterflies and romance, but you can get that again too and even better with someone you really love and know well.

Also the other man, he is married right? So if he is so great, why is he needing to seek out a secret friendship, I would think how often does he do this? You could be one in a string and really nothing special. Not trying to be rude but men and men after all!

[PinkPanther]

I had an affair with a married man when I was much younger - it was a no stings attached, purely sexual relationship. Then as the years went on it became something more and we realised it wasn't just lust anymore. I tried ending it a few times but he was like an addiction - too hard to break. Then I accidentally got pregnant and we decided that we really did need to stop.

So we spent the next few years getting on with our lives. I got married and he had children with his wife. We still kept in touch every now and again but there was always that niggling doubt in the back of our minds. As we never got proper closure, we decided to meet up again and see if those feelings were still there. Fortunately or unfortunately, they were. We've continued to see each other since then and the sex is better than ever, but this time more passionate, more intimate than ever before.

All in all this has gone on for the last 15 years and I doubt we'll ever give up wanting to be with each other. I know I am deeply in love with him but it kills me knowing that we'll probably never end up together. We have too much invested in our partners and children. In some ways this has stopped me from fully being happy with my husband because my heart still belongs to this other man, but at the same time I couldn't imagine my life without him. He's become such a part of me and has shaped who I am. And I love knowing that he's out there thinking the same about me.

It is utter torture and I hate seeing pics of his seemingly perfect family on FB thinking that should've been me. But the reality is if we ever did get together, it would be far from perfect because of our children. And as Anon said, would you ever be able to trust each other? I would like to think yes given our long history together but you never really know.

But if you asked me if I'd go through that heartache all over again, I'd probably say yes.

[JPK]

PinkPanther, I want to just say that I am in awe of your honesty and bravery in responding as you have. I am moved by your words.

[Incognito]

I could have written your post pink panther, nice to hear someone else is going through the same thing. Good or bad. x

[beentheredonethat]

I'm just coming out of a very long affair. I'm married. He has a long term partner. It started out at just sex -- very, very good sex, which was so nice after the ok sex my husband and I have. There was also the passion and the thrill of the new and the thrill of being deeply desired and sought after. But then it became more.

We admitted we loved each other. We spent more and more time together. We became a proper couple. I've met many of his friends. I started living a double life.

It's not fun living a double life. There are the constant lies. The fear every time I put the key in the lock coming home from an evening out that this would be the night I'd be caught out. Feeling torn between what I want and what I should do. Knowing that what I want isn't real. That an official relationship with the other man would quickly become mundane. That the sex would be good but the trust never there. That my husband is the better partner for me. The better person. The one I laugh with. The one who's supported me through births and recoveries. The one I have a real intellectual connection with. Plus there is the shame and pain of divorce. The impact on the kids. The turmoil and the hell. But god, how I want the other one.

Then there is the jealousy. What's he doing with her right now? Look at all the fun they're having. No kids. No responsibilities. Lots of holidays. Nice new house. But then I know that she wants everything that I have - a nice home, kids and faithful husband. I'm the one causing her hurt - but I still can't stop thinking about her.

There is also deep isolation. I can't tell my family. I lost two friends who I confided in. I have one friend who knows. Being a man, he's able to tell more people because it's somehow expected in men. I have almost no one to turn to. I have spent the last few years feeling like a terrible, weak, immoral person. It has been such a relief to read everyone else's posts and to know I'm not alone. I'm trying to think of a safe way we can meet and form some sort of adulteress support group.

I finally couldn't handle all the emotions. All the deceit and betrayal. Jealousy and desire. And called it off. But then reading PinkPanther's post has made me think maybe I can just have it go on forever...trying not to think it.

If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have an affair. I would look at my relationship with my husband and figure out why I wanted the affair in the first place. I would have worked on that. Then, if I couldn't make my marriage work, I would have left him and looked for someone new. Instead, I am now trying to work on my marriage with this huge secret stuck in the middle of it. I hope I'll be able to sort things out and find a way for my marriage to work, but this affair just makes it all that little bit more complicated.

I really would love to connect with some of the others going through the same thing. DM me if interested.

[Incognito]

Gosh there are a lot of us in the same situation! I'm in tears reading all your posts as I feel exactly the same way. I have recently ended the affair as I felt like I wanted more but wasn't prepared to end my marriage, I'm torn as to what to do. I miss him terribly though.

All those that say work on your marriage first, I just want to point out that my Husband isn't interested in sex. No amount of counselling or date nights will change that and I haven't been prepared to close that chapter of my life yet.

[supergirl]

Hi there
I have been married and divorced, then I met the man of my life and got children and we married (he was once married with no children and was betrayed too and they divorced).
It took me a good deal to re-build myself after my divorce even though we had no children and I was very young (27) with a future in front of me. It was hard because we were together for 4years, went through ups and downs, and after he proposed and we got married, he then cheated, told me and made me wait a long time because he said he "didn't want to leave but didn't know what he wanted etc". It was long months of emotional tortures and humiliations. I think he was so lost, he didn't realise how much he was hurting.
During that time, I had told no one (not even my sisters and my best friend) because I had forgiven him, I wanted to work on our relationship and that if we succeeded in rebuilding what we once had, I didn't want people to look down on him or judge him - especially my family. In the end, my survival instinct kicked in I suppose, and I told him to decide and to leave if he couldnt be sure of what he wanted as I had a life to start living.

The point of my post is, it is all good to work on a marriage but only if both party wants to save it and to rebuild the connection. Divorce is hard and when there are children involved it is even harder. But cheating? yes there is (I suppose) the adrenaline, the feeling of being desired and sexy but what then? the lies, the fears, the feeling of a double life... Would that makes you happy? I am not judging, it is just a question I ask because I think we all need to be honest with ourselves before we can be honest with our partner(s).
I also know for a fact that children always feel it if their parents are unhappy or hiding something from them. However hard, I think being true to your children and to your partner is always rewarding; it is better for children to have two happy parents separately than two parents together but unhappy.

Good luck. I hope that you will all find your own answers and I wish you all a lifetime of happiness.

[supergirl]

And I forgot the happy ending...

After this long and hard road of (re)finding yourself, yes there is a bright future both inside our own self and outside.

I would not be where I am in my life without the collapse of all that I knew 8 years ago. Personally, professionally, emotionally, as a woman, a wife and a mum I feel I can move mountains.

[PinkPanther]

Incognito, have you broached the subject of no interest in sex with your husband? Perhaps that is a sign he is cheating as well?

As for working on your marriage, do you call it quits if the interest to do so just isn't there? I know people will tell me marriage is hard work and that you have to find ways of reigniting that spark, but if deep down inside you couldn't give a toss if it worked out or not, is that evidence enough that ties should be cut and both parties walk away?

Supergirl, anyone who tells you they don't know what they want really means they don't want YOU but are too much of a coward to tell you that. Believe me - I'm that coward.

[Incognito]

Sorry PP but that was quite a harsh post. What I was just trying to say is that sometimes the spark isn't there anymore and there isn't much that can be done. Some people are happy with that and some aren't, I'm one of the latter. I do 'give a toss' about my marriage and I don't want to end it at all but I need some aspects that he can't give me.

I seriously doubt he's cheating, he's quite a bit older than me and just a bit past all that I think.