Husband not helping with kids despite working from home Post Reply

[alexi]

I hate to men bash but I am losing the will with my husband. He has a big job, works long hours and usually our young children / house are my responsibility. I am absolutely more than fine with that.

However, I had hoped that his WFH would mean that he would offer to do a bit more with the children and possibly the house although the latter isn't a big deal.

I have friends in a similar family situation to me and they all seem to be making the most of this time that they wouldn't usually have at home together. Taking their exercise as a family, eating together etc.

My husband wants to carry on exactly as normal, no change, no eating together, no exercise together. To be honest I feel quite cross and very upset. 

Is any one else out there feeling similar or have I got it all wrong? Any advice would be really welcome.

[2009Kat]

Its hard to know without knowing the details. He's working from home not there to help you out. Just because he's at home doesn't mean he isn't working long hours and who knows whether his job is even more stressful at the moment.  If he's normally working 7-7 then he hasn't got any more time for the kids now then before has he? Is the sort of guy who can't switch from work to Dad quickly? Could he find the time to be with you more? I don't know if you're finding it more relentless than usual with no schools etc so why not explain that to him and find some time you can take for yourself even if early morning of evening. 
We are actually eating as a family and exercising because we have to.  We both work and frankly its a nightmare and have no time to cook twice - we go back to work after the kids are in bed (I should not be on NVN!!).  My husband is helping more because he has to so we can both juggle work. 
We are just grateful to have jobs, a home and food on our table.  This is a very difficult time for many people who are struggling.  

[pensandpencils]

Hi Alexi I feel for you. I think it seems like a missed opportunity. Could you start with a small request perhaps? Maybe suggest that you all eat together once /twice a week and have a mid week exercise session once a week? I can't believe that he isn't saving some commuter time that he could use for this? I agree it isn't fair to expect him to do half of the childcare if he has a full on job and is fully working from home but a little surely wouldn't hurt him?

[EHMorris]

Obviously I don’t know what sort of work your husband undertakes, but it might be that things take longer to do / organise from home than in the office. This is true for my work (financial, full time). The volume of work has also increased (not a bad thing!) but in some ways has sometimes been more stressful. Does he work all weekend as well? Despite the “saved” commuting time it’s harder to get away from work being at home, I find. That said I do find it beneficial to try to get out for a walk each day, and can do so with my children sometimes but they are older.

It must be SO full on for you right now and many many other parents who have to occupy small children. Just wanted to give some full time work perspective. It sounds like your husband needs to think of his own well-being and that can include as you suggest excercise as a family, perhaps.

Best of luck!

[crashbang]

Maybe you could just tell him how you feel. Possibly when you next have some down time together? I am always amazed at what people 'miss'. It might not have occurred to him that the situation should be any different to normal? Why should it be, as others have pointed out it it is technically just another working work albeit from the confines of home.
I know that it was a steep learning curve for everyone in the beginning but he might be better placed now than he was in the beginning to join in a little more?

[boonkoh]

Definitely communicate this to him. If you feel you can't, then there's deeper issues in your marriage.

But think of it the other way. Now that he's working from home, are you helping him out with his work? Then why should you expect him to help out with yours? The two of you had clearly agreed one would work in a corporate job and the other work to take care of the home. You are wanting a change in the status quo, so talk to him! Men can't read minds, despite what many women expect.

[Starr]

I agree with Boonkah. Went through this a few years ago and husband is much more involved with family life. I have a very lovely husband but he has a tendency to get carried away with work! Contrary to what people ( like to) think I did NOT sign up for him working in a corporate job with long hours. It's a situation, I believe, a lot of women slip into when children arrive particularly those of us with no family support.

Definitely articulate how you feel and try and make changes. And no you shouldn't be expected to be "grateful" to be able to not work. It can be soul-destroying for a lof of women- particularly if you were very independent from a young age!

Get him to agree to a meal together sometimes during the week, or to have a break from work by taking the children for their daily exercise so you get a break fron them too.

Good luck x

[Moonlightdawn]

The issue is that people are having to work even harder than before because of Covid. This pandemic has created an extremely challenging business environment.

I don’t know anyone who is going out for family exercise during the day. If anything people are trying to over deliver on their jobs. Everyone has taken a hit.

My husband is locked in the office from morning to evening. He works for a hedge fund and it’s even more pressurised than before. There’s absolutely no let up for him.

I myself work part-time and this crisis has added a whole new level of complexity to our family situation. In our household there’s no shift work with one parent spending the morning with the children and the other parent doing the afternoon. I am doing all the childcare on my own and then trying to juggle my job on top. I am lucky that my boss is understanding. We do calls late in the evenings after the kids are down.

I would talk to your husband and communicate how you feel. He may have no idea. He himself is probably exhausted and needs moral support. I feel for anyone working in the financial industry at the moment. It’s a very tough place to be and unless you are in that world, it’s hard to comprehend.

Good luck, hope things get a bit better and clearer.

[Rufuscleo]

I hear you... I was in the same boat. After the first week I just blew up... it wasn’t pretty; I was quite frustrated and knew that I would not cope well for months on end if something did not change.

I had quite a rigid timetable in place from day 1 for my own survival and the kids definitely benefit from the structure too. He had no idea or hadn’t considered that he could help me... we went through the timetable and agreed that when he can he would take the kids to do their exercise early morning before he starts work... it means the kids grab a banana quickly and have breakfast after their exercise now but it is so helpful for me....and again when he has time he would spend 30mins with them whilst I prepare dinner. This all probably happens 50% of the time now which is fine by me...

He eats with us most days tbh but that’s only because he loves his food!!

It’s so important for your own mental health to have a chat and try and come up with a plan that can help you.. if he will struggle with help during the day, perhaps even agreeing to clean the kitchen or be in charge of laundry during this time could help you? Best of luck 🙏

[Janet14]

Ha! Think yourself lucky, my husband is behaving exactly the same except I also work full time too but i am having to do all the home schooling, cleaning, cooking, laundry as well as work! As much as people say to not let him get away with it it it’s not worth the energy or upset trying to change him so instead I’m making sure my boys know how to help around the house so they can make useful husbands one day! Good luck with yours!

[Vista321]

Hi Alexi
Sorry to hear you have this issue. Obviously everyone else's suggestion's are right -  about talking to your husband so he is clear what the problem is.  If however, he ignores that and doesn't think he should change, I would be tempted to just look after yourself and the children, cook and eat and exercise with them, don't cook for him and don't do his laundry.  I know this may come across as petty, but actions often speak louder than words. 
Good luck x

[lemondrizzles]

Hi Alexi
Sorry to hear you have this issue. Obviously everyone else's suggestion's are right -  about talking to your husband so he is clear what the problem is.  If however, he ignores that and doesn't think he should change, I would be tempted to just look after yourself and the children, cook and eat and exercise with them, don't cook for him and don't do his laundry.  I know this may come across as petty, but actions often speak louder than words. 
Good luck x

I have to agree to this. Our home agreement was that I would prepare all the lunches (we have our main meal at lunch and small meal at night) and hubby would empty dishwasher. He decides two weeks ago to no longer do this. So I said, great, I will no longer be cooking the lunches during your work week and please do not ask me. About two days later we go back to the previous arrangement. In my opinion, I thing emptying the dishwasher is a reasonable request, and we discussed it initially - it was all agreed.

Perhaps consider asking him down for lunch 2 days in the week, he can choose on a Sunday which two days, diarise it and he will have to make his own work excuses to make it work. It could be that he has a global team call at 12pm. I seem to recall that this was a key time when all time zones could meet. This could mean your bi weekly lunch would be at 1:30. Either way, involve him, to a reasonable extent, but also sometimes having something at stake helps nudge along a course of action you prefer.

[rubyonrails]

I'm really not saying that you aren't right so please don't think I am but lemondrizzels and vista321 I do find your suggestions quite risky given the situation. Is it just me? I would be tempted to try some of the suggestions -  talking, explaining your point of view etc. etc. all of which are fabulous but I think with holding is a big step, especially given the finite space everyone is living in at the moment. It could all turn into something its not very quickly. Like I say, really not saying you are wrong at all just surprised I guess?!

[Vista321]

Hi rubyonrails

Thanks for your response. Yes, withholding (after first attempting rational discussions) is a little risky whilst in a lockdown situation, and a risk you would need to assess.  In a situation like this, you can either put up with the lack of help and lack of listening by your husband, for the sake of a more harmonious household or if its really bothering you a lot, then you can make the point some other way.  It depends if you want to tackle it.
If you have a husband/partner who doesn't readily enter into discussion/debate about issues like this, or ignores the issue then such action is a potential alternative way of being heard and listened to.