Pregnant and just found out he is married. Post Reply

[juliantenniscoach]

I've read this post with my jaw well and truly dropped. I can't say anything that would help emotionally because, well I don't know you well enough.

however I have had a friend in a similar situation and this worked for them:-
1. get professional advice on whether you want to be a mother. this is probably the biggest decision you've had to make to date. with the upmost respect you're 36 not 26 so the repercussions are potentially huge.

2. assuming you continue on, use your friends and family. that's what they are there for. don't be slow in coming forward.

3. consult a solicitor. an absolute must. being a 1 parent family is tough enough and you have to act in the best interests of your child to come. it's not about being tough or cruel or ruthless. it's about doing what is fair.

finally best wishes to you. it may seem at times that you are in an impossible situation but don't lose focus that it's a challenging situation not impossible.

[ClaireJayne]

I just want to thank everyone for their kind words of advice. I'm still angry but not as much no that I have told my mother, who is more than happy to cut his balls off on my behalf (and on behalf of you all and my unborn baby).

I have a meeting with a lawyer next week and very much want to have this child so I am just trying to look after myself.

As for my reluctant sperm donor, I called him to suggest we meet and talk about this and he said if I were to have this baby it would push him over the edge of a tall building........like I said, an absolute charmer.

Thanks everyone

[sallypreston]

I read with horror your story - i hope you have a great bunch of freinds who can support you. But as someone who has battled (& failed) for years with the CSA and tried to get a reasonable financial settlement for my 2 now teengers from a man who earns plently - i council you - this is not easy and despite what you are told and the law should be on your side, a clever man weaves his way through the legislation and makes a mockery of it. I recently spent >£14k getting the father of my children, who does love them and does see them occasionally, to pay a reasonable amount - but nothing like the numbers quoted above.
You need to realise getting money from him is not a given and judging by how devious and manipulative he is, i would suggest unlikely without you spending £ks - sorry to sound negative, but having been there - i know how hard it is with unreasonable men; that said - see a lawyer, but ask for a frank assessment of costs considering he will contest everything and seems to have the funds to do so.

[secondtimer]

Best of luck with the solicitor. Had a friend in this situation and she told the wife. (arranged a discreet meeting) After the initial shock she was glad to know. Apparently he had affairs before and was already on his second chance, it was literally an accident waiting to happen. They took him to the cleaners.

[Chucka]

Understandably you are hurt by the betrayal you have experienced from this man but please understand that this child will bring joy into this world that you never imagined.
Hate is a negative emotion and in the end we only hurt ourselves.
You are responsible for your own well being and for the well being of your little daughter or son. Act only in terms of well-being in terms of yourself, your baby, this man's wife and you and the whole of society. Reach out to those who recognise your dignity and that of your child.
When deceit happens it is not isolated. Friends are affected. Co-workers are affected because this person is acting outside of honesty - it is unlikely just be confined to his relationship with you and his wife but also will occur in work situations, bullying, financial dishonesty...
Be strong. You will be going through a whole mix of emotions because of the circumstances but also because your hormones are overhalling particulary at this time. Women who have longed for a baby can even feel unsure and ambivalent at this stage because of all the physical changes that cause inner stress.

Forgiveness will be part of that too but don't push yourself too hard. Noone expects you to feel good about this guy. But his behavious demonstrates emptiness in his life. He is to be pitied and hopefully redeemed. If you address him at all any actions to uncover his behaviour relating to you it needs to be about your concern at being part of hiding his infidelity from the woman who married him. Can he be a real man and face what he has done honestly and reform?
Start looking at some lovely pictures of how your baby is developing. Many people long for a child and inexplicably never conceive. Do not rule out adoption if you think it would be best for you. I have a cousin who was adopted into our family. We wouldn't be without him. We will never know who his real mum was but she has given us a treasure that we can never repay. Life is a gift. Turn all your energies to LOVE.

[lissalorin]

I am a lawyer, and was a practicing judge in the United States. I'm not giving you legal advice now, just friendly advice. Do not deal with this man without proper representation. As said earlier, document everything and keep copies.

Take the high road girl. Restrain yourself from telling his wife. As said earlier, don't waste your energy there.

Firstly -
Focus on the health of your baby (which is feeling all these anxious emotions along with you right now). Go to baby yoga, and get baby massages, and eat healthy organic foods to nurture the precious life inside you.

Secondly -
Retain a lawyer who is a pit bull and go for the gusto. This support financially is not for you, it is for the baby. There is nothing he can do to fight this, and he will have to pay money. He will need to tell his wife in the end, and it will be more appropriate for him to fess up. Do not go for a lump sum. You will have this child for 18 years, and he should pay the entire time and if his income rises, then so will his support payments.

Thirdly -
Stay strong. Stay classy. You deserve better. Love does not hurt. I'm sorry to say this, but if he did this to his current wife, he will do the same to you if you two end up together. Cheaters like the thrill of the chase. Period. Nuff said.

Keep your chin up! xx
Darling, hold your head high. You are a strong woman, and can do this on your own without a man.

[Peppermint Patty]

Terrible for you Claire.

Try to keep an eye on the long game. I once met someoene who had been in your situation. Her son was 4 at the time (the same age as mine), and like you she ran her own business. She was one of the happiest, most laid back mothers I've ever met and her son was bright, articulate and very content.

His father, who was married and wanted nothing to do with the boy, was a household name and a very senior executive. She had argued for, and won in court, full suport akin to the standard of living his children by his marriage enjoyed - holidays, school fees were covered. But more importantly mother and son had an intimate bond - they just loved one another's company.

So good luck - it sounds like you're well placed to make a fantastic mother.

[Sandimous]

Once the baby comes this guy won't matter so much. You'll fall so in love with the baby and s/he will be the only thing you are concerned about. So maybe take a few weeks to try to take care of yourself & find a great OBGYN and a lawyer. Just focus on that and have no contact with the guy and make no decisions about his wife right away. You'll have time to figure out what you want to do, and you'll have a clearer head in a few weeks. Try to take care of yourself, eat well, think about your future with your baby. You will be in love again - with your child.

[littlechicken]

Hey, I just wanted to express my sympathy. I don't really have anything to add. I agree with the advice previously given, consult a lawyer even if you would like to resolve this 'amicably'.
As far as the wife is concerned, personally I wouldn't get involved. Turn a new page and don't look back or get involved in any of his affairs. What a pathetic scum he is!
I get the impression that you really want this baby and all I can say about that is that you will be a lot happier as a single mum rather than raising a child with the partner from hell! I wish you all the best and him all the worst!

[ClaireJayne]

Thanks to all for the comments and support. I'm not going to tell the wife (unless provoked) its his marriage, he can stuff it up all by himself as I figure he cannot keep this a secret forever and I have no intention of becoming the home wrecker in this sad sordid little scenario.

As for baby, well he/she is very much wanted now that I am pregnant, really didn't give it much thought until the 3 pregnancy tests I did ( just to be sure) plus the one at the doctors (in case the 3 were wrong lol) Prior to that I never had the urge to be a mum, thought that it would be nice but not to concerned if it did not happen but as soon as I found out, then it became clear that yes, I want a child.

The whole thing has just made me incredibly insecure, full of self doubt and beset with fears about my business failing even though I have never had these thoughts before.........having said all the above, I still want to rip his face off, throw stuff at his front door and tell his wife but trying to rise above such thoughts.

[jmclennan13]

My friend went through the exact same thing...but hers was more of a 6 night stand maybe...She was 38 at the time and was on her way to Thailand/Laos -Before it happened-her Dr told her to go off the pill as she had been on it for more that 20 years and she had not had a period in several months...she was thinking early menopause!!!But it was the pill supressing her menses...anyhow...she hooks up with this cop, everything seems nice and when they were having sex,she demanded he pull out and wear a condom...he refused completely and just let go right then and there...she freaked out on him-but the last thing in her mind was pregnancy!!So off she goes to Asia and she is in 42c heat in Laos on a chicken bus vomitting the entire distance,feeling the sickest she has ever felt in her life...and had to cut Laos short to go back to Thailand and see a Dr...they did a preg test...of course Positive!!She flipped! She told the guy -of course he denied being the father-and demanded he come to the abortion clinic to discuss options...he did...but once she saw the heartbeat she could not go through with it...!Thank Heavens!!So when she decides to keep the baby he tells her he is married and already has two kids!!He told her he was single!!Now-she has the most gorgeous delightful baby boy!!She is happier than she has ever been in her life...in awe of her child...and she took him to court and got full child support...obviously his wife found out with that massive hit to his income!!!But in a way she is lucky to raise him on her own.....After my divorce....raising my son with an ex who did everything possible to oppose and micromanage my life with our son has been a complete nightmare....I would have loved the freedom to just have my childs life free of conflict from his father ...if his father was lovely and cooperative-different story...but my son ahs so many lovely people (men too) in his life...he is incredibly well adjusted and loved beyond belief...You'll be fine hun!!!Youre not the first!! You'll find a whole new community of support!!

[AbbevilleMummy]

What a complete b*st*rd!

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but it could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you! It sounds as though it is unlikely that you would ever have willingly chosen to have a baby and now you are in this situation by accident, you may find that having a baby is so amazing you wish you'd done it years ago! (I know I did!)

As for the guy, there's no hurry to seek legal advice, you're only in your first trimester, if you can manage financially, I would wait until the baby is born and you feel ready to tackle things. If he is as much of a sh*t as he sounds you will probably have a fight on your hands, although the law is on your side and so you'll get there in the end.

As for the wife, I would consider telling her once you've calmed down. You don't want to tell her for the wrong reasons i.e. revenge. But in order to warn her about the man she's married to. I know that if it was my husband, I would want the other woman to tell me if he wasn't going to.

But first and foremost, look after yourself. Be kind to yourself, pamper yourself and just concentrate on protecting and bonding with the little baby inside your tummy. The rest can wait, there's no hurry.

Take care xxx

[Mils]

I am totally gob-smacked by your post. You have been given some great advice by previous posters so I will not add to it, just know there is a wealth of support out there for you, not least here. Take care and I wish all the best for you and the baby and all the worst for the pr**k xxx

[jnakiwala]

I read this post a couple of weeks ago, and to this day I am just so shocked and gob-smacked! My heart really does go out for you. Just know that you are not the only person going through this and you definitely won't be the last!

Pregnancy is an experience that you have to try and enjoy. I had such a hard time when I was pregnant, without going into detail, but not as bad as you. I was full of anger at first but I gave birth to my gorgeous little boy, who 3 years down the line is my life and my best friend! We have such a laugh together!

I totally believe in karma, and he will get what he deserves. Don't contact the wife, she will find out sooner or later. It's not your funeral hun! And DO NOT contact him! As much of a d**k that he is, he has given you the greatest gift EVER! Use this time for you and baby. Prepare yourself to meet and spend the most amazing times of your life with your baby. Use your friends and family to get you through, as this really helped me.

I'm loving motherhood more than ever, and I am doing it on my own with the help of my wonderful mother and also working full time. And, tbh, its easier dealing with one child than 2!

You go girl! Can't wait to hear how you get on with bubba!

Lots of Love xxx

[ClaireJayne]

I really really want to tell her but resisting my inner **** to do it, the weekend was difficult, I was really angry and upset, threw a few things around the house, calmed down, then went for a facial, threw so more things (mostly his stuff), did a bit of Facebook stalking and then went bed. I just want to rip his face off. I believe in Karma too, just hoping the baby does not inherit any toff banker genes.