8 year old boy - lying behaviour Post Reply

[Despairing]

Hi, regular user but have name changed for this. Our 8 year old boy persistently steals sweets from his siblings or the snack cupboard and lies to our faces about it denying it, but is then caught red handed. He also steals the remote control and lies about it yet has been found sneaking to watch TV in the middle of the night. He apologises but it’s been going on for a long time now and every method of discipline we’ve tried, including positive praise and reward for the good behaviour, works for a while then he slips back into it. We’re not sure what else to try. Any advice out there? Thanks!

[missraphaella]

Your child' behaviour sounds concerning and may be symptomatic of other underlying causes/reasons, which are likely best explored with the support of a professional child psychologist. It may be that he is having some personal/emotional challenges that he isn't able to manage himself (eg being bullied at school, etc) and this behaviour is a manifestation of that. 

If I were you I would contact one directly (just yourself initially) and see if they have any ideas/suggestions? It may be that they recommend bringing your son in for an evaluation, as trying to resolve this at home might make things worse if any underlying issues aren't themselves addressed in a sensitive & informed manner. 

Wishing you good luck and very best wishes for your son, who may well be going through a really hard time right now.

 

[uptheoctave]

Hi,

I don't have anything helpful to add, sorry. I just wanted to say that I hope you find the support you need and help for your son. It's obviously a very stressful situation and I wish you and the family all the best. 

[rubyonrails]

I think that petty (sorry couldn't think of another word) stealing isn't uncommon for young children. Especially of things like sweets, loose change, siblings toys etc.  I have a number friends who have had to deal with this sort of thing over the years. To be honest it seems to come and go, maybe just a first attempt at little ones trying to push the boundaries?

The TV remote seems different, especially watching TV in the middle of the night. I have never come across this. Maybe your son is having trouble sleeping? Is he worried about anything? School, friends etc. Maybe speak to school first and the parents of his friends to see if anything is going on that you don't know about. If that doesn't help maybe ask a  professional for their help.

Good luck getting it all sorted, I am sure that it is very worrying for you.


 

[Needcoffeenow]

I agree it sounds as if there are other things going on that are causing this and try to get to the bottom of them. Also maybe try to focus on rebuilding the relationship with his siblings, who are presumably fed up with having sweets taken etc. But I also agree children can go through phases like this and don’t go on to a life of crime!

[Bsdavies]

Hello, I am a mental health wellbeing professional and I work with children and families when something challenging comes up. It sounds like there is a lot going on and it is incredibly hard for your son and your family. Please contact me if you’d like to work with me or have just an initial consult! Behaviour will always be stemming from something and your son is trying to communicate something with you all by presenting with these behaviours. My advice is to be responsive, understanding and open to what is going on and create a safe space for your child to feel like he can express in a more appropriate way.

[Lyds100]

I am sorry you are going through this - it isn’t easy!

I have a 8yrs old who does exactly that…he’s been diagnosed with ADHD last year and although everything was great for 6 months or so, I can see different behaviour now . Nowadays, I hide the TV remotes before I go to bed and keep the sweets in my bedroom! Desperate situation require desperate measures Instead, I put casually a school book on the sofa so if he doesn’t want to sleep, he can read! I can see on the camera the following day that as soon as he realises the TV remote is not there, he opens the book for few minutes and decides to go back to bed!
He is unpredictable and even at almost 9 yrs old, I have to keep an eye on him all the time!
I hope this will help you in your situation

[CheekychappieMum]

I have had the same experiences and recommend the following with all my heart:
1)Listen to this podcast from Ari Tuckman and read his work on children lying - it will really help you understand where they´re coming from https://takecontroladhd.com/podcast/426 He was written extensively about it too. I recommend all parents read his work in fact! 
2) Leaving a book as opposed to access to the remote is a good idea as is training him to understand he cannot leave his room except for the loo. You can praise him for doing so as you have a camera. The reason I say this is that later on he will eat your cupboards bare and access all the devices around the house when he´s older. It would be good for him to try to vocalise what his sleep patterns are and what is driving him. 
3)It appears that rewards are not enough to change his behaviour which will just mean you will need to up the rewards continuously. He may be driven by impulsive behaviour and a need for stimulation when his own levels of dopamine are depleted. That may (nor may not be) driven by ADHD. I would talk to his teachers about his concentration and self control capacity vs the rest of the class. Can he focus only when he´s interested in something? What is his boredom threshold like vs the rest of the class. V low boredom tolerance is a key symptom. It may just be a passing phase that has become a habit but I think the sweets stealing is a sign that he wants more attention, at all costs, so even if it´s negative. His behaviour is probably symptomatic of a need for a deeper connection with you. If you can carve out 1:1 time for 10 mins (put stopwatch on to avoid tears) on his terms (he chooses) it may subside. 
4) Calmer Easier Happier Parenting by Noel Janis Norton covers all of the above and her methods are incorporated into The Parent Practice´s courses (Elaine Halligan, the director,  is on this forum). I actually hired Noel for some issues and she fixed a multitude of problems via telephone consultations. PM me if you need further references or a transcript from one of Ari Tuckman´s webinars I have on file. 
 

[Despairing]

Thanks for all your replies. Definitely some food for thought. I think attention is a key part of it as he doesn’t get much 1-1 time. I should also say we’re strict on TV and sweets so I think that’s a big part of it like it’s a rebellion thing. Trouble is he’s done it a lot and for a while so the willingness to let him have more is a challenge as not sure it’ll stop it just by allowing him more access to TV and sweets. He’s bright and pretty focused at school, doing well so I don’t think it’s likely to be ADHD or similar but will explore.

[rolemodels22]

Hello - I am sorry that you are going through this - it sounds like a tough situation and you are doing all you can to support him. Perhaps an option you might consider is finding an objective forum where he can learn about some strategies for dealing with 'big feelings', this low level 'stealing' behaviour might represent some concealed struggles as you have mentioned, and a safe space where he can learn how to identify and express how he is feeling, strategies for self-regulation, and come to learn that other children feel things deeply too, might help? Role Models offer tailored online and in-person courses for children in 'Life Skills' - that ultimately aim to support their social and emotional wellbeing - feel free to message me for more information.