Do I have responsibilities before I allow my son's 17 yr old girlfriend to stay over Post Reply

[lemons and limes]

Would love some advice on how people deal with this.

My son is 17 has had a girlfriend for about 6 months and would like her to start staying over. Although it feels like this is a big step I am ok with it but wondering if there are any implications because they are under 18. Do I have any responsibilities? Should I be asking about contraception? My husband wants me to speak to her parents as he is worried about us allowing her to stay without permission from them.

TBH finding the whole thing stressful and not sure if I am overthinking or stepping into legal minefield.

Thanks all
 

[Goldhawk]

How old is the girlfriend?

[lemons and limes]

Hi Goldhark, thanks for relpying. She is just 17.

[LondonCoffee]

I have a similar aged son, there is no perfect answer to the scenario, but for me, yes, you need to have a chat to him about contraception (and STDs) and check they are being safe and responsible (even if they roll their eyes at you!). I would also want to ensure that the girlfriend is being honest with her family about where she is overnight (I would be very unhappy if my son was lying to me about where he was overnight) - so yes, her family need to know where she is and I think that they also need to understand the format to avoid any awkwardness (ie is she is co-sleeping with your son or in the spare room overnight).
I find it hard to get my head around my older teen having a partner to stay overnight but I don't mind if he stays over at their house - I know it's not logical, it is total double standards and I am kidding myself as I know they are having sex in the day when I am out of the house etc. If my house was bigger and I didn't envisage hearing things go bump in the night I might not feel so weird - I may need to invest in some earplugs very soon though!

[scotsemma]

I remember having battles with my parents over this though was over 18 at the time. My advice, yes definitely ask for parent contact number and contact them to ensure they are comfortable. I would first decide if you are comfortable with them sleeping in same room and if you are then ask her parents their wish and if you are not then make it clear at the outset they'll be in separate rooms. I've had university boyfriends that I slept in separate rooms (though sure there was a bit of sneaking around!). Speak to your son about safe-sex and also respect for his girlfriend/females. It's hard when they grow up (and I've got a few years hopefully before I need to experience with a 9 year old and 1 year old twins!) but better to know what is going on and that your son wants to bring his girlfriend home and be with family.

[scotsemma]

Also from a legal perspective the age of consent is 16 so you don't have any legal issues

[ceecee12]

From a legal point of view as others have said the age of consent is 16.

I think it comes down to a matter of do you want them being sexually active in your home? If this were me I would say no. You become responsible for that young lady and also your sons actions.

I would have a chat with them both and get to know her and have her round. Just because they’re 17 it doesn’t automatically make them responsible.

Speak to her parents honesty is the best policy and be on good terms with them.

I have two boys and I grew up with a no sleep over or boyfriend rule. I didn’t miss out on anything by having to wait a bit. I thank my dad for his rules and I respect myself more and want the same for my family.

[TryingMyBest]

I was allowed my boyfriend to stay over from 16. Before that happened for the first time I went on the pill because I discussed with my Mum about wanting to become sexually active with him. My parents attitude was always I'd rather you be safe and comfortable in this house than in the back of a car somewhere. It was, I realise now, a huge decision for them to make. But I remember distinctly feeling I had agency and was given trust over my body and what I did with it. I appreciated it so much, and have since gone on to have very healthy sexual relationships and feel confident about sex in general and never felt ashamed.

In regards to contraception, ask your son, not her that's for her parents to discuss. Make sure your son is doing what he needs in terms of contraception to be certain no accidents happen. The pill can be forgotten/ not work so condoms as well are always a good idea. He is responsible too.

I don't think you need to ask her parents if you aren't in contact. She is not a baby and having the parents involved I imagine would feel infantalising and personally if I was her I'd feel like you were trying to interfere with my relationship and be controlling. Tell her you are happy for her to stay over as long as she has permission from her parents and ask your son to be there when permission is granted.

You have to give them the level of trust you would give an adult because they basically are adults and this is how you build mutual respect as your children mature in to the next phase. You have to trust them first and let them prove they are worthy of that trust. They will appreciate the respect.