Not invited to a girls weekend. Post Reply

[Lou 5]

Not having the best start to 2024. I found out via a friend this week that I seem to have not been invited on a girls weekend. 

it is something that my uni friends and I have talked about doing for ages and for one reason and another it has never come off, finance, timing etc.

Sadly, it seems this year it has and I haven't made the list. I know that I haven't seen a lot of them recently, I have missed a couple of get togethers, and I am least close with the person who has organised it, but nonetheless I feel so sad not to be heading off with them for a few days of girl fun. 

I feel like I am back in school. I'm not sure why she wouldn't have invited me, we are all part of one group. 

The friend who told me, without knowing that I hadn't been invited has asked me if I want her to have a word and see if I can join but it all feels a bit 'Billy no mates'. 

Help! Feeling upset, embarrassed, angry and not sure what to do. Its only a few days but does anyone have any wise words?!

[faybian]

Hi Lou,

I'd be tempted to contact the woman who has organised the trip directly and very positivley and say something like 'X told me you finally managed to organise a trip with everyone? I'd love to come along and catch up with everyone! Would that be ok? If so could you let me know the dates and details and how to book? Well done for organizing, I know how difficult these things can be. Best regards x'  Better to contact her yourself than do it via your friend. It was probably just an oversight because the trip was discussed on one of the get togethers you didn't come to, and not an intentional slight.

[Tomorrow tomorrow]

I mean this in the kindest way but what are you doing to invest in these friendships? You mentioned missing a couple of get togethers and not seeing them recently? Are you there for friends who are struggling? Do you take the time to connect and take and interest in their lives? Going to uni together doesn’t give you a free pass to attend all future social events, if you aren’t actively engaged in organising meet ups and/or being part of the group then it’s hardly surprising they’ve excluded you. It’s not like school at all.. as a grown up you actually have to make an effort.

[Great fields]

This is so sad, but this is life. sometimes we drift away from friends as they are 'for a reason' and 'for a season'. I was sad when my kindergarden friend got married in a private ceremony in America and didn't invite me - but invited the other girl in our trio (we all live in different countries). The reason was because ' it' was so small, and you have a baby (no one had one then) , and you're so happy with your life in London anyway'. From then it was clear that they had moved on. All the great memories were there but they were not into making new ones. 

The same feeling happens when you don't get cast in your favourite am dram musical, and when the school mums form tables for the event and don't invite you! Rejection is everywhere! it is life! 

Ah well! Who wants to be at the whims of organisers, wishing you were popular enough to be invited? I always respond by organising my own table with my curated list of mates, and my own holidays.

Who wants to be the third wheel in a holiday anyway? Or maybe their holiday is one for detoxing and chilling and they know that you are a party animal and don't want you to feel uncomfortable when they have their herbal teas? Maybe you are too cool and the organiser wants to have her time in the limelight and the attention to herself? Maybe she wants to talk abut her terrible marraige but can't bear to do it in front of you, because your life is so fabulous? You'll never know. It might not be about you, it's all about them. It's probably not even malicious. It's time to find a group that fits you now, dipping into the old groups only if they bring you joy. 

Which reminds me, someone in an old, bitchy group wants to reconnect and go for dinner. That does not bring me joy. Better take my own advice. 

[Vicki W]

If you'd like to reconnect then I'd either ask the person organising it or your friend to ask on your behalf. But I'd also take this as an indicator that if you don't go to group reconnections, it does tend to drop you down the invite list for later events as people think you have less interest in them. Does that make sense?

[Jvs72]

Hi,
I feel for you and understand why you would be sad about this.
I would get your friend to have a chat with the organiser and ask if you could be included.
Having been through similar uni girls get togethers, organising them is a nightmare. Certain people are just never 'free' (or free enough to agree to a date) and so they give 2 dates in 9 months time they could make and everyone else would have been able to make many other weekends but have to wait to do the dates this one can do and someone cancels at the last minute and it doesn't end up happening anyway!
So, I can see why to get a date the least reliable person might be dropped from the planning. In my personal cases it wouldn't mean they weren't welcome, just that the rest of us actually wanted to sort something! And we would love for everyone in the group to join us if they could make the date.
Hopefully this is the case in your group and it wouldn't be a problem for you to join if you are free!

[Scientist]

As someone who has experienced similar 'NFI' moments in the past, I feel that Tomorrow Tomorrow's reply is close to the mark. 

But I rather disagree with another reply which urges you to contact the organiser directly.....this is exerting too much social pressure on someone who may feel uncomfortable giving you an honest response. 

Rather ask a group member whom you trust to approach the organiser on a related matter, then slip in innocently a question as to whether or not you and another(s) are attending (to make it seem less about you). Should your omission be an oversight, then great. But if the answer is less positive, then at least you know the truth. 

I know which route I would rather go. If it is the latter answer, then you can resolve to form your own version of the group purely based on people who still value your friendship and want to hang out with you. 

[D-day]

The fact you’re friend didn’t know you weren’t on the mailing list means you weren’t actively excluded - given the organiser isn’t so close to you implies she just didn’t think to invite you.

Why not ask your friend to highlight to the group that ‘X’ isn’t invited and maybe we should bring her in? If the general response to that is negative then at least you’ll know if you’re welcome or not.. rather that than force your way in.

..and of course if the general response is positive then you know you’re genuinely welcome and you can then respond as if you would’ve in the first place.. ie if you’re free then go :)

[Rosyglow]

I think you are overthinking this. I very much doubt it is anything personal.

If you feel you would love to go and can add to the fun by your presence, simply find a way to ask the friend organising.
The organiser isn't a teacher, boss or the ceo but an ex schoolmate.

If it's a bit late logistically (be reasonable if it is, obviously) just accept that for this time and say that if there's another you'd defo be up for it.
Be upbeat!
However remember you are not still at school , all are adults !
Hope you enjoy the fun too.