Bashed my ex and now my son won't have anything to do with him Post Reply

[FYG]

A big user of this site but posting anon to keep privacy.

I split up with my ex when my son was 10, he is now 22, and although initially he seemed to go back and forth to his father’s house relatively happily, my ex remarried someone with children of their own and he became a step-father to them, as a result, my son refused to go and although they didn’t lose contact it was sporadic and not warm.

We were having a hard time financially prior/post the divorce, and that didn’t help, but over the years my ex has become more financially secure. However, in those early years of our split he wasn’t good at paying child maintenance, not always, but often enough using the lack of contact as his excuse.

I am guilty of sharing this with my son when he was younger, not to poison him against my ex but we had no money and it was a dreadful time, and when there is just two of you against the world one tends to overshare. I know that with hindsight, this is wrong.

The problem is that now my son is older and earning he will not let this go.

We were approached by my ex’s wife, they’re still married, and she wanted to know if we wanted to contribute towards a gift for a milestone birthday for my ex. My son just asked her to take it out of the child support “we” were still owed and when she asked if he wanted to come to the party he asked if he needed to pay for his share as “in the past Dad had only looked after his new family”.

I know I’ve created a bit of a situation here and could do with some advice on how to resolve it.

[Reallyreally123]

Oh dear OP, this really demonstrates the huge harm that can be caused by warring divorced parents. Kids are hugely affected by things in childhood and it’s common for all sorts of things to be conflated together as the fault of one of the parents.

Can you sit your son down and try and speak to him rationally and calmly about the fact that you might have said some things you shouldn’t have in the past. Majoring on forgiving and moving on and that you only ever have one Dad? With teens I think it often helps to ask them to thing about the other person’s side. So here a Dad who wasn’t allowed much contact with his son and was doing everything he could to improve that situation because he loved him and wanted to see him? I think the best thing you can do in this situation is advocate for his Dad’s position a bit. That would be very powerful.

[Skanon]

Was any of what you shared a lie? Did you overshare or did u just shared the truth.?

I may be totally wrong here, but if the answer is no, this is not your problem. Your ex was responsible to maintain a relationship with his son when he remarried. He also had the legal obligation to pay maintenance regardless of contact.

So if your son is hurt by this, he shared with his step mom. Your ex knows. It is up to him to reach out and try to make amends. If he doesn’t your son has the answer he needs.

Other than being there for your son to listen and support I would do nothing. You cannot fix that relationship, only your ex can. But you can love him and part of loving him is allowing him to be upset for something that was (?) true.

[ceecee12]

Bless you. I am not one for replying but this rings true in a lot of cases. My mum never paid maintenance but at the same time my dad did little to improve himself either. He used to slate my mum and she used to do the same. Now I don’t talk to my mum.

I am also divorced and have two children of my own. Their dad slates me behind my back and also complains about the aspect of paying for the children. I have nearly finished my degree and have no debt. I have worked very hard to better myself and raise my children in neutral manner as not to speak badly about their dad. I wouldn’t go out of my way to ask him for anything and let the csa handle the maintenance. My children know we live modestly and have an understanding of their dad. The child can make a choice for themselves based on a parents actions. Please don’t be hard on yourself as it’s easy to be resentful and see that the grass is greener on the other side when you actually have the cream with raising your child making beautiful memories.

[JJ85]

As a father, and a son of a difficult father, I think your son’s rhetorical response ‘take it out of the maintenance’ is spot on, Assuming all you shared was accurate, the only resolution here is for your ex-partner to be the one to sit down with your son, explain why he didn’t support you both at that time, how much he understands that to be wrong, how he wants to make reparations and then spend the next 2-3 years demonstrating that sentiment.

I don’t think anything else would be good enough.. your son is moving on and won’t invest in the relationship, why would he?

[Reallyreally123]

I’m going to slightly play devils advocate here having read the other replies. I don’t doubt at all that Dad did lots of stuff wrong. Not paying maintenance is unforgivable. But I’ve been a divorce lawyer a long time and it is rarely totally clear cut. There are other factors - a new family causes massive hurt and resentment. Your son was closer to you and his hurt at the situation and your position and your sadness all landed on his Dad. He refused to see him and it sounds as if you allowed that and probably if you are honest didn’t do everything in your power to persuade him to have contact (I could be wrong but you are human and most people in that position do the same). Of course Dad could have done stuff differently too and he may well be mainly at fault.

But now you are at a situation where your son is evidently traumatised and hurt by the situation. People are suggesting that you are entirely justified and shouldn’t do anything and I can see that argument. But. Your son is traumatised. He would ultimately almost certainly be happier having some sort of relationship with his Dad. So although it’s really tricky for you and him, I think the right thing to do is to facilitate, as far as possible, a situation where they could start to rebuild a relationship. Perhaps a contribution to his milestone birthday gift is a start? Perhaps it could be done in another way? Of course Dad will have to then put in very considerable legwork but sometimes you need a start. I can guarantee that if he is a decent human, not having a good relationship with his son will have been eating him alive. All I can do is implore you not to let your totally justified resentment and stuff in the past stop your son moving forward if he can.

[Birchtree]

I am so sorry to hear about this, and wish all of you the very best.

I wonder whether it might be an idea to reach out for some family counselling, and maybe some sessions with your son and you, and your son and his dad with the same counsellor, who can help with the family dynamics and so your son can have a positive relationship with his father?

I really hope things improve for you all. Sending big hugs to you and your son. X

[Hopethishelps]

I agree with all the above in part, but mostly the post about the train your son is living with. I don’t think for one minute you behaved in any way that you believed would cause your son harm or distress, but as parents we all get it wrong at times (I know I have) and your sons father has too. Regardless of whether or not your son decides to have a relationship with his father in the future I feel the most important thing here is for him to come to terms with, and understand his feelings. Underneath that spiky, angry “take it out of the unpaid maintenance” attitude is a mountain of pain. “Will I have to pay my own way at the party” might initially sound like a sarcastic rebuttal but speaks volumes of how your son feels undervalued and low in worth to his father - and therefore probably to himself. When kids are you they can have a tendency to internalise the messages they interpret from parents/caregivers as it can feel impossible to do anything to change the adult. What matters here more than anything is your son and his self worth and him being able to heal. The relationship with his father may or may not follow. I would gently suggest you are not the best person for your son to do this healing with. Absolutely you need to be there to listen whenever he needs you, but I would urge you to talk to your son about going to talk to a therapist about this. Not in a “if you see a therapist you might sort things out with dad” - leave dad out of the equation for now. More “I think it might really help if you talk to someone totally impartial about all your angry and sad feelings about what’s happened over the years”. I wish you all the very best x

[Vicki W]

As a domestic abuse survivor I have had no contact with my child now for nearly 5 years as a continuation of her father's abuse. From your post, your son stopped going to contact due to your ex remarrying and being more involved with his step children.  This would have caused huge pain to your son and so he chose not to continue contact that was painful to him. Your ex then stopped paying maintenance. The resulting loss of money would have been noticeable to your son as no doubt it would have caused stress and lack of opportunities for your son. It seems to me this is an estrangement over your ex's lack of empathy as a parent as to your son's emotional needs in feeling replaced by step children and your ex using finances to coerce contact. I think counselling with a domestic abuse informed counsellor between your son and his father might be a way forward, but only if his father is willing to accept that he drove this separation by his actions and wants to make amends. If the father is not willing to start from that basis then counselling is not recommended in domestic abuse situations. I would also recommend you get counselling with a domestic abuse informed counsellor so that you can recover and let go of the responsibility for your ex's choices as a parent.

[Skanon]

I could not agree with this reply more.

The responsibility of the OP is towards her son. NOT his dad. That means listening, supporting and yes acknowledging any mistakes she may have made.

But his comments show a lot of hurt, some of it may be justified. Erasing his emotions just to keep the peace and fix the relationship will not help him. Sometimes acknowledging that hurt is what helps us move on.

Also I do not see a lot of the dad in this story, other than stopping maintenance due to no contact. Maybe I am extrapolating but those feelings of being rejected may have started when the ex got a new family and then were made worse by stopping payments rather than reaching out. We don’t know what interactions they have had since.


I love the suggestions about offering therapy to support the son. And you! But do not minimise his hurt - a relationship between father and son is on them to create. And it is on both of them - the dad needs to want to and admit his mistakes. You can listen, facilitate but cannot solve it

[Skanon]

I could not agree with this reply more.

The responsibility of the OP is towards her son. NOT his dad. That means listening, supporting and yes acknowledging any mistakes she may have made.

But his comments show a lot of hurt, some of it may be justified. Erasing his emotions just to keep the peace and fix the relationship will not help him. Sometimes acknowledging that hurt is what helps us move on.

Also I do not see a lot of the dad in this story, other than stopping maintenance due to no contact. Maybe I am extrapolating but those feelings of being rejected may have started when the ex got a new family and then were made worse by stopping payments rather than reaching out. We don’t know what interactions they have had since.


I love the suggestions about offering therapy to support the son. And you! But do not minimise his hurt - a relationship between father and son is on them to create. And it is on both of them - the dad needs to want to and admit his mistakes. You can listen, facilitate but cannot solve it

[Tamala12345]

It seems to me incredibly insensitive for your son to be asked for money at all - even if his father had not failed to pay child support. But certainly in that light it seems quite ill considered Support him in his refusal. No ne should be asking him for money for presents as presents should really be an individual choice to give or not give.

[Tamala12345]

It seems to me incredibly insensitive for your son to be asked for money at all - even if his father had not failed to pay child support. But certainly in that light it seems quite ill considered Support him in his refusal. No ne should be asking him for money for presents as presents should really be an individual choice to give or not give.

[muddyboots]

I don’t see how this is a problem for you to fix .
The relationship between your son and his father is for your ex to fix.

You might have shared the information of what was happening, you didn’t cause the situation where he didn’t support you and your son.

Whilst parents, whether together or not, should be mindful to not criticise each other as the child takes on any insult aimed at a parent as an insult to them. The poor kids of warring parents are made up of both and can’t fully distinguish themselves, this is especially true for young children.

I don’t blame your son for being angry and feeling abandoned.
He now needs help healing, and maybe or maybe not fixing his relationship with his father.

This however is not your battle.

Unless you lied and sabotaged their relationship, i think you should release yourself of the guilt and accept the situation and support your son where possible however he wants to deal with it .

[Benice]

I dont blame you or your son at all.

I actually think asking a 22y old to contribute financially *in this situation* is very unrealistic and tactless regardless of whether he is working or not.
She clearly doesn't get the hurt caused, the financial failings .
I don't think even if he had paid up regularly the 'shall we have a whip round' is inappropriate in these circs. My pennyworth.