Husband rude to brother in law Post Reply

[SensitiveHusband]

Looking for a bit of advice on a tricky family situation.

My husband and I are in professional jobs and do alright financially. We're a typical "Nappy Valley" family—own our home, go on a couple of holidays a year, ski and might do private schools for the kids. We're comfortable and secure, and while I know life can change, we're in a good place right now.

This context is relevant.

My sister, on the other hand, is in a different position financially. They've always struggled for money, and her husband is one of those who’s constantly trying different "get-rich-quick" schemes. At the moment, he's selling Christmas trees, but he's had all sorts of ventures in the past. They don't live in London and still live near where we grew up. For Christmas, we usually head up there to spend a few days and they host. There's often a bit of tension about us being "southerners" or "wealthy," with the odd comment here and there, but we let it go.

We were up there a few weeks ago for my mum's milestone birthday, which was a sort of mini-Christmas with us staying over and them hosting.

Here’s the issue: my husband has started losing his hair and is really self-conscious about it. He’s not in a good place—constantly checking it in the mirror, researching transplants, treatments.

During the birthday dinner, my brother-in-law wouldn't stop making jokes about my husband going bald. It wasn’t just one or two comments; it was relentless—things like "pass the potatoes, Mr Potato Head" and "a slap-up lunch for a slap head."

By the end of the night, after a few drinks, my husband snapped. He said, “Well, I may have no hair, but at least I have money. I can pay for a hair transplant, it’ll cost £30k and I won’t even notice.” He then went on about house prices, holidays, and how much partners at his firm earn.

It was crass and awful—I’m not defending it.

Safe to say, it absolutely ruined the evening. My sister is demanding my husband apologises and my mum is just very upset, but he’s flat-out refusing. He says he was provoked and that if my brother-in-law can’t take it, he shouldn’t dish it out. My brother in law was visibly hurt but isn't complaining, I think he is embarrassed too.

The problem is, I do think my husband was out of order. My brother-in-law was being rude, no question, but my husband completely lost control and went way over the top.

If he refuses to apologise, this will ruin Xmas and I"m not entirely sure we'll be welcome at all.

I’d really unsure how to be supportive of my husband who is very upset about his hair and also mediate a family split.

Sorry for the long post but can't see how to resolve this as feelings running high on all side.

[muddyboots]

They have both been idiots, just because your husband lost it I don’t feel it makes your BIL’s behaviour any more acceptable.

How is repeatedly making fun of someone’s insecurities fun or acceptable?
Even when banter and people put up with it, it’s not fun .
Given what you’ve described, your husband was clearly not enjoying it and he kept pushing his buttons.

They are both culpable.

Imagine if you switch gender and your SIL was making fun of some body insecurity you had at the dinner table?
Just too much.

Think it was tit for tat and you should all let it go .

I think your husband should apologise to your mother for upsetting her and the evening .

Otherwise, they need to man up and both own their childish behaviour.

[Chillout]

I agree - the mum needs an apology first as she was caught in it all and didn't deserve to have her evening ruined.

They both behaved really badly. Picking on someone's insecurities when it comes to someone's appearance is cruel but responding the way your husband did is crass and shows no class.

I would question what led your BIL to behave the way he did towards your husband. You portray is as jealousy and I'm sure it is but are you sure your husband hasn't been making them feel inferior or self conscious about having less than you do? Showing off or bragging on occasions? From my experience, a lot of people do it, even though many are trying to be subtle doing it. However, you can feel it and I'm always extremely careful about not making people uncomfortable.

To be honest... I found your comment about being a "typical Nappy Valley" family, two holidays a year, skiing, children in private schools... a bit tasteless... I suppose my lifestyle is probably relatively close to yours but I wouldn't describe us as a "typical Nappy Valley" family... I think there are many people around her, most actually, who have much less... Perhaps less visible if you live and socialize in a bubble... This comment made me question what actually led to your BIL behaviour in the first place

[Chillout]

I agree - the mum needs an apology first as she was caught in it all and didn't deserve to have her evening ruined.

They both behaved really badly. Picking on someone's insecurities when it comes to someone's appearance is cruel but responding the way your husband did is crass and shows no class.

I would question what led your BIL to behave the way he did towards your husband. You portray is as jealousy and I'm sure it is but are you sure your husband hasn't been making them feel inferior or self conscious about having less than you do? Showing off or bragging on occasions? From my experience, a lot of people do it, even though many are trying to be subtle doing it. However, you can feel it and I'm always extremely careful about not making people uncomfortable.

To be honest... I found your comment about being a "typical Nappy Valley" family, two holidays a year, skiing, children in private schools... a bit tasteless... I suppose my lifestyle is probably relatively close to yours but I wouldn't describe us as a "typical Nappy Valley" family... I think there are many people around her, most actually, who have much less... Perhaps less visible if you live and socialize in a bubble... This comment made me question what actually led to your BIL behaviour in the first place

[SensitiveHusband]

"This comment made me question what actually led to your BIL behaviour in the first place"

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I wanted to set the context here so that it you had a full picture of our respective backgrounds.

As someone not from here I am very happy with my comment about being a "typical nappy valley family".

Where I am from there are no private schools in the town, almost no one goes skiing and the only beach holidays are cheap trips to spain.

I'm not doing that background down, it's where I'm from, and I know there are many people in SW London who don't have a lot, but also to me there is to be a typical NappyValley family, They drive a 4x4, send their kids to private schools or state schools with million pound plus homes in catchment areas and if you're not from around here, and I'm talking about my own circumstances here, the cars, clothes, restaurants and teeth all drip money.

That may be a reflection of my roots and no one elses and I apologise if the languqge was clunky.

[Bluemoon05]

Goodness me.... We have two kids in private schools but we make so many sacrifices - we don't ski, we drive an old car, we have ONE holiday a year (and yes, oh shock, it's a "crappy Spanish cheap destination). We choose to spend our money this way but it's hard and I know many other people locally who find it hard. I always thought we were a "typical Nappy Valley family" - thank you for telling us we are not because we can't afford the other things. Perhaps we should move out? We grew up nearby and we've been around for three decades so I don't know who should decide what's "typical" - us or you...? You have a massive attitude... And "I have so much money. I can spend 30K on a hair transplant and wouldn't even notice" - how vulgar. The bottom line is - we can never control other people's behaviour. We can only control ours. Your BIL's behaviour was rude and unacceptable no doubt - that was out of your control - but your husband's behaviour and reaction were awful and totally in his control. He should apologise for his behaviour and his reaction to the situation. This is all we can do in life - take responsibility for our actions. And perhaps you should take a look around to understand what "typical" is...

[SW11er]

Hopefully one or other takes the moral high ground and apologizes, and then they go out for a drink and clear the air.

[chorister]

I have to say that I think the OP is pretty spot on with the Nappy Valley stereotype, though for some unaccountable reason she has missed out the gym membership and Waitrose - stereotypes develop because there is truth in them.

But there is another side to it too - we have lived around here since the late 1970s and although we f & blind about the 4x4s choking up the roads and parking on the pavements we have stayed because we have also experienced great kindness and generosity.  In our street it was quite amazing how people came together during Covid, and very recently we have personally experienced great kindness, including someone cancelling a 'crappy, cheap Spanish holiday', when illness meant we needed help.

May be the husband and BIL need an evening together in the pub - the husband can buy, since he can obviously afford it ....

[Burnbane]

There is only one word we all need to remember - FORGIVENESS. Unless your husband can forgive, the situation will eat away at him and the family….. you have only asked for advice for your husband. It is not for us to tell the brother in law how to behave. But the brother in law will suffer if he cannot do the same. Again speaking only re your husband why does he think he is too “grand” that he cannot apologise, forgive and move on. He does not have to like the brother in law but i assume he at leasts respects your mother? In which case do it for her and you. Does he love you? If so do it for you…..
wow - you have the health of your family and a happy life. Just imagine this was not the case? Come on - tell him to climb down from his ivory tower and apologise before the brother in law shows him how to behave…. Or the family is split for ever…..
go and buy a generous Christmas present and smile….. the brother in law will be embarrassed and hopefully not behave the same again…. If he does all your husband needs to say is “please don’t talk to me like that - I don’t like it” and keep saying it… he will eventually stop. Jealousy is the brother in laws issue and that is about the worst emotion we can all suffer….. good luck and happy Christmas….

[Knightsambl]

Aside from the minor crassness of the “typical” I think a LOT of the responses here are symptomatic of a wider societal challenge men face: their problems (as part of a hugely significant mental health crisis amongst me ) are simply not taken seriously.

Losing one’s hair can be enormously challenging for a lot of men. It feeds into a variety of negative thinking around mortality, virility, and attractiveness. It can feel absolutely awful, and I am hugely sympathetic to anyone who is “triggered” by being openly mocked in public. It is not a minor thing - imagine if one of you peri-menopausal harpies got mocked for being a bit red in the face, or getting a fat arse. It would be grounds for divorce and the end of family Christmases for ever.

Get on the minoxidil asap.

[Janet14]

Hi, just to let you know I have been in a very similar situation with my husband. It wasn’t about his hair but he cannot take being teased by my sister (which is often her way of showing affection/interacting) and has also snapped before. I’ve always wondered how we’re going to recover from it but it ALWAYS blows over eventually…..could you just apologise on his behalf if he refuses and maybe talk to the BIL too?
I’m not quite sure why there is so much defensiveness re your comment re typical NV family. I moved out of there and there is definitely a typical NV family, whether people like it or not!!
Good luck, it will blow over I promise!

[NoodleFan]

Sounds like your talk of ski trips and general comfortable life has been riling your BIL for years, and he’s finally found something to retaliate with.

I agree that your husband needs to make the first move and also apologise to your mum asap.
Can he take your BIL to one side over Xmas, apologise for his behaviour but also say that his comments were v hurtful. I admit this sounds a bit idealistic for two men who clearly wind each other up but someone has to make the first move..

Then maybe think about how money is talked about in the future and tone it down if necessary.

Good luck and happy Xmas!

[Bunnyboots]

Your husband sounds like the old Harry Enfield character (I’m considerably richer than you) with all the class of the nouveau riche. The brother-in-law sounds almost intolerable. In my opinion they are both as bad as each other. A lot of men never seem to fully grow up and I’d count these two amongst them. They obviously don’t like each other and probably never have. Your sister is also a bit to blame - it doesn’t sound as if she made any attempt to shut her husband up.
Once something is said it cannot be unsaid and some
situations cannot be repaired. As neither of them seem prepared to apologise (which I’m not sure would help much anyway) the rest of the family should just ignore the whole thing and carry on as normal. Leave these two children to sort their own problems out. Or not.

[Little sis]

25 years ago my brother totally out of the blue ranted and swore at me on the phone over something my mother had said which he completely misinterpreted. I slammed the phone down. He never apologised. It ruined our relationship to the extent I have never met my niece and one of my nephews and my kids have never met their cousins (I don’t think they even know their names.) I know so many people who have fallen out with a sibling. People are stubborn and don’t want to apologise when they think they’re not in the wrong so it’s going to take an effort from you and your sister to bring them together and each apologise to the other. Jump on it now before the animosity festers and your relationship with your sister is damaged irreparably.

[SensitiveHusband]

Thank you for all the replies.

I wanted to address a couple of the comments.

"Your husband sounds like the old Harry Enfield character (I’m considerably richer than you) with all the class of the nouveau riche. "

I can assure you we're very careful not to highlight the comparisons in money there have been some things I can't avoid.

Firstly, we have two nice cars. we don't post about them in social media but you can't hide the age and brand when you pull up to someones house. Secondly, I had a procedure earlier this year. it was something a friend of my sisters also had. I went private and it was sorted in a few weeks, her friend is still waiting months later.

Both these things have led to comment.

We even pretended we went economy this year and got into a moan about legroom on flights with them.

So I can't hide it, although we try to minimise it, well we did until this all kicked off.