mother in law Xmas nightmare Post Reply

[Mama]

I have a similar problem and I found out that my MIL had NEVER had her inlaws over for Christmas, nor had she been to them ... So I said that -just like her- I want to spend this special time of the year with my family, privately. Who best to understand right? I suggest you find out about her xmas 'habits' in the past, she may not have been as inlaw family oriented afterall...

[ella3]

I really sympathise. Do what's right for you i.e. dont include her. MY MIL is a pain constantly criticises whether we do or don't see her. We have over the past 20 years drastically cut the time we spend with her as I don't particularly want my kids being exposed to such negative behaviour (we tried several routes). Selfish or realistic? I just don't care any more about what people think and I suggest you do the same. Follow your heart. Have a lovely Christmas with your kids and husband, you deserve it.

[Honeymummy]

Yes do what you feel is best, and sometimes putting some distance with ILs is useful if they are abusive with you, then you must preserve your family from this unhealthy relationship until she gets the message and starts appreciating you. You could make an excuse like you are planning a day trekking in the mountains. I don't think she would fancy that !

[livegreen]

With decisions like this try and put yourself in the other persons shoes. They have asked to come and stay so there most be love flowing one way.
Also you may well be a MIL one day yourself, how would you like to be treated then ?
What does your husband say - they brought him up, clothed him, fed him, educated him, loved and supported him and they must have done something right as you chose to be with him.
Agree with Supergirl with regard to not getting upset if you do not like the answers you receive.

[Happymama]

I also have the MOST horrendous MIL....we generally spend Christmas with my family but every few years, when my husband asks me, we have to have MIL at ours for Christmas. It means a lot to my husband. I have a terrible couple of days putting up with a lot of criticism and putting up with a person who doesn't like me but I bite my tongue and do it!! It's my Christmas present to my husband !

If it means a lot to you husband just start drinking champagne early and do it for his sake!

[supergirl]

To the OP
Just a thought. You mentionned his ex left him after an affair...
It is possible your mother in law is like that with you because she felt betrayed in a way by her son's ex. If she was very attached to her it is possible that the announce of both the affair and the divorce came as a terrible shock to her and that she still is coming to term with it.
If it is the case (worth having a chat with your husband) then her attitude could be explained by the fact that she doesnt want to be emotionnally attached to you, therefore there would NOT be anything personal to read in her attitude. She is just protecting herself (not in a very efficient way obviously).
So, if you think this is the case the only thing to do is to understand where she is coming from and then to reassure her that you are a different person and would never do that to her son.
As livegreen said, put yourself in her shoes and do it before xmas for everybody's sake.
Good luck!

[MILnightmare]

so great to hear I am not alone.



I'm wondering if I dare show my husband these posts tonight, might help sway his point of view

[NorthcoteLuvvie]

Ban her.

A great friend of mine was in a similar situation. It is, in effect, an abusive relationship but because its Christmas we expect people to be tolerant. We wouldn't ask someone to take a few slaps from her husband for the sake of a united family at Christmas and even though I am sure she's not physically abusing you, but abuse it is.

My friend let this drag on for years. She was miserable, her husband was miserable, FIL miserable, everyone had a **** christmas. Finally got sorted because she was vomiting with stress before a visit a few years ago and her husband made some comment like it will soon be over and they both realised how stupid they were being.

So they sat MIL down and explained that it wasn't working but they would make a super effort but MIL needed to as well. MIL huffed and puffed and agreed. Then they told MIL that she had 3 "strikes" and after 3 incidents she would be asked to leave. Everyone, including FIL, agreed.

She lasted two days and then made some comments about daughters weight in front of everyone (she really can't help herself!) and then husband got up and went and packed their bags.

She's allowed to visit on Xmas day to see grandchildren, wife goes out to visit a friend and has nothing else to do with her.

Seriously, some people are so screwed up they can never be kind so don't let them ruin yuor holiday.

NCL

[Seb]

Love it

Mother-in-law red carded!

Do you get yellow cards for a minor infringement?

[Mama]

Like many of us, one day I may become a mother in law, and I truly pray I do not become like so many out there. I understand and I find it normal that for most people our children are the 'perfect human being', yet I hope I keep my head levelled enough to realise that while it may not be a problem at all for this to be accetable as my personal, non-objective, and love loaded view, it will not be acceptable as an imposed absolute truth. I hope it never crosses my mind to try and convince my granchildren of this. It is simply not all right, and it would most probably end up ruining any relationship with my inlaws, and I really would not want that. I want my children to be happy, above my own happiness if necessary. And i want to be there to see it. I pray I will be wise to understand and accept my new place in the family, as it is the only door into it.

[darlingbabs1]

Our approach may work in future (I dont like my in-laws either) - we have Christmas with one set, then the other set and, every 3rd year, we have Xmas alone as a family. This way MIL exposure is minimal and no one can argue with the system as it was set out long ago!

[moops]

These are all terrible stories but I'm sorry I win, I have the worst MIL!

Mine has always hated my guts and blatantly makes up stories and things I've said to cause friction between my Husband and I, plus she criticizes everything I do and is just downright rude and ignorant. She's actually really made me dislike Christmas as we fly back to the UK and stay with her and it's just an utter nightmare. When I was little my Parents used to make a big deal about Christmas with the big tree and presents and loads of festive atmosphere. I go because of the kids and so they can see their Grandparents but she makes no effort whatsoever, she doesn't even have a tree! We open a few presents then it's straight into the kitchen cooking lunch with her huffing and puffing and in a mood. We eat lunch then it's straight back into the kitchen washing up! I swear apart from all the food you wouldn't even know it's Christmas Day! I've told Husband that I don't want my kids Christmas memories to be like this so after this year maybe we will do alternate years as I'm missing out as well seeing their little faces when they wake up and seeing their presents under the tree and I'm not giving all that up for her!

[AbbevilleMummy]

I also hate my ML.

Every year I start dreading Christmas from about August as I know the pressure to spend it with her will start and every year I give in for the sake of my husband, have a terrible time and bitterly regret it.

Well, not this year!! I set my stall out early, stating that we were having a small Christmas at home alone with the children, and I'm sticking to my guns.

This week I have received a little more pressure to change my mind, but its not happening.

I feel fully justified as I've beed with my husband for 13 years now and have always compromised in the past.

Sometimes you've just got to put yourself first!

[NYE31]

I feel for you, my in-laws or out-laws as a friend refers to hers, are vile to me whenever they see me. If it weren't for my wonderful husband & our gorgeous 5 month old son, I would gladly have nothing to do with mine & never speak to them, let alone see them.

What about going out for a meal? I have no desire to have mine criticising our home, lunch, us & everything we do or go to theirs & be made to feel unwelcome & have to endure them all day so we are meeting half way on the 27th Dec & going out for lunch. After that I don't plan to see them again until my son's 1st birthday party in mid July.

I hope you manage to sort something out but whatever you do, remember that you married their son not them & they are your family by marriage & only do what is right for all of you & won't cause stress at a time which should be very special for you & your husband & children so don't see them at all if it's going to be toxic.

Take care x

[metoo]

I know I'm not the original poster but after reading more posts I had to comment.... I feel positively blessed!! I really feel for the poor girl vomitting. I think the main turning point came when my husband finally said to me 'no matter what you do it wont be good enough for her' and he admitted that his previous girlfriends had never been liked nor welcome in her house. The fact that he acknowledged his mother's unreasonable behaviour made everything seem so much more bearable - at times I had felt like I was going mad.

The first Christmas I ever spent with them she offered to put her Mr Motivator video on in the evening so I could lose some weight - I was a size 12 (I could do with the video now!). I have boys and I live in fear of being like her