How old is too old? Post Reply

[young at heart]

i hope my post does not offend readers as i appreciate this is a potentially a sensitive issue for some. Equally (and selfishly) I feel you really are the only community that can give objectives views

I am a very proud and happy Mum and wife. my long for child arrived later in life than hoped (I was aged 40) and was helped into the world by IVF
I am now 41 and have the opportunitiy to try again (obviously no guarantees) so would be 42 if I was fortunate enough to have a successful and healthy pregnancy

My question is this - is 42 too old to be a mother? I have always found solace living in Nappy Valley that being an older mother is a complete non event and am amongst many mothers my age. This is not necessarily the case elsewhere.
However i admit I dont have the energy levels that I had in my 30's. My adorable supporting husband is also older and I wonder is if it fair asking him to be father to a teeneager when he is mid sixties? I read so much about two children being more than double the work and also rather distressing reports from children of older parents being embarrassed of them and finding it harder to communicate with them than do friends of younger parents . I also read children of younger partents are then saddled with looking after very elderly partners at a reletviely young age - and for those that are only children its a lonely and stressful burden on their shoulders.

Alternatively - is an only child a lonely child? I am not so sure this is the case

Sorry about the rambling note. I appreciate that everyone is different. Many mothers my age breeze through preganancies and manage wonderfully. I would just appreciate some constrictive thoughts - particualrly from anyone in a similar situation.

[MrsAmanda]

I had my first child at 38 (through IVF) and my second son was born shortly after my 40th birthday.

I'd always said 49 was my cut off, but had we not had a successful pregnancy second time, I would have tried again.

I will admit, with two boisterous boys, I do feel my age! Some people will say a second child doesn't add much extra work. So far (my younger is 18mths) I find two more than twice the work of one. Permanent state of knackered is how I'd describe myself. I cling onto the thought that the boys will be less hard to look after once they're a little older!

I do worry that I'll be oldest mum at the school gate, although I'm not worried about being an embarrassment. My mum was only 23 when she had me, and as a teenager I was constantly embarrassed by her. I'm looking forward to that bit I do worry about being a burden, though, or them being orphaned at a young age. I can't stop the clock, but I can do as much as I can to keep myself as healthy as possible. I feel as an older mum, I have a duty to do that and minimise the chance of needing them to look after me.

I don't think 42 is too old, but it is something to think very carefully about. You're already a mum, you know what comes with the job.

Is an only child always lonely? I don't think so. I know lots of my friends we only children and say they had a lovely childhood. I think there's a lot to be said for only having one. My husband wasn't an only child, but his brother died so he's the only living child. Now his mum is getting on, he feels the burden of responsibility towards her quite keenly and when his dad died last year, he very much felt the weight was entirely on his shoulders as the only living relative.

Apologies for my ramblings, I should have formulated my thoughts before typing!

[Happymama]

Definitely NOT too old ! My brother met his wife when they were both 40, and proceeded to have 3 children very quickly. They are both very young 48 years old and I definitely don't look at them as "older parents". These days 40 is not old....really Madonna is still wearing fishnet tights at 50!!!

I have 2 kids and I am fast approaching 40 and I am still thinking of having one more .... to be honest I am more worried about the age gap between the children than being an "older mum".

Good luck with it all !!!

[cosmopolitanmum]

Not too old! Go for it. I hope all goes well!

[AbbevilleMummy]

Definitely not too old at only 42!!

We are all living longer healthier lives and so having babies in your 40's is fast becoming the norm for middle class. Our children will more than likely do the same and therefore they will not find the age you hose to have them unusual etc.

I do find 2 more than twice as hard and I'm only 32. If the age gap is very small then it is tough but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Go for it!!

[mumofsoontobetwo]

Absolutely not too old! I'm actually surprised you are even asking. I had my first at 36, and at 38 have just suffered a miscarriage, and when I expressed concerns about my age and trying again, the docs told me I was young!! Agree with other posters that it is becoming more the norm to have children in your 40s, and it is certainly not unusual around here. I think it's smart to make an informed and careful decision, but if you want another, then definitely go for it!
That said, I have plenty of friends who grew up as only children and were perfectly happy and well-adjusted, and every single one of them has grown up to be a balanced, successful and outgoing individual. So don't feel like you have to have another for your first - but if you want another, I'd be willing to bet you'll even meet older mums than you!

[twice_as_nice]

I definitely don't think it's too old, as others have said, surprised you're asking......it's more about how you feel and what you can cope with.

I've never heard that 2 is more than double the work before.....I hope it isn't that much harder, I have twins and now am about to pop number 3!!! eek!

[dansk1234dance]

Not too old!

The ability to love and take care of a child isn't related to your age. It's your choice.

[Almaceti]

I've really hesitated before sending a reply to this post, but I feel we should share all experiences even the sad ones, otherwise the opinions that you get are biaised.
First I would like to say that I don't think the age gap you would have with your children is too large, the most important is to love them and take care of them, you can always find help if you're getting more tired.
However my point is to have an extra care during the pregnancy and at birth, as the risks are really really higher for the mother and for the baby that something is going wrong. And the experience that I have heard, no later than last week-end, is of a woman (a friend of my family in law) who died a few days after giving birth to her second daughter at 43, because of a pulmonary embolism (the risks of which are apparently clearly age-related). This is very very sad and the dad aged nearly 50 is now left with 2 young daughters; he will be 70 when they get 20.
I would like to add that I personally think it is a bit sad to have an only child (for the child and for the family). Having 2 children is definitely more than double work, but also more than double joy inthe family. So my advice would be go for it but with really extra medical support.
Good luck and all the best.

[supergirl]

My opinion is your age is in your heart... An other way to say is you have the age you have in your head!
If you feel like it, go for it!
It is so more fun to have a sibling with whom to play with, fight with, "gang" against the parents with, mischief with... Whatever the age gap! (i have 4.5 yrs with my older sis and 5.5 with my younger sis and we always had fun together). Yes it is more work to have two, but you ll cope and if not, im sure your husband will be willing to help especially at the w-e. plus you dont have to breastfeed, you can pump and give it in a bottle (so hubby could do the night shift?) or you can give formula (ready to be flamed )

Just be aware of the deception you will feel if it doesnt work out because the older you are, the more difficult. And be prepared for the eventuality of having twins.

Good luck. Keep us posted! Sx

[young at heart]

Just a quick note to thank everyone for their responses and indeed for sharing such personal experiences
I would particularly like to thank those who have sent me a private message.

[KatherineHepburn]

Go for it!
I turned 40 in March and am due to give birth this week to my 2nd and 3rd babies - yup, even without IVF the chances of twins go up!
Eat well, keep fit. I can't really see any difference in my energy levels from my 30's to now, it's just about how you look after yourself.
Best of luck.

[yorkshirepudding]

It comes down to choice in the end. I had my first baby at 39 and my second at 41 - I was very fortunate not to need IVF and to have no complications. I have two very demanding boys - both have boundless energy and like my fellow poster I am permanently totally knackered. I am also the main breadwinner in our household - so go out to work too!

I don't regret having my second baby though. I love watching them "play" together (well, the times when they're not walloping each other!) and I feel happy that they will have each other after my husband and I are gone.

I am an only child - an only child isn't a lonely one - it's down to the parents to ensure that they have friends and other family members to play with and that they are loved and supported through their childhood. My childhood was very happy and I don't recall feeling alone at all. I was always with my friends and cousins and learned the art of communicating effectively with adults from a young age! However, having to cope with sole responsibility for my parents recently and dealing with the loss of my dad was hard to deal with. That's part of my reason for badly wanting a second child in spite of being an older mum!

At the end of the day do what YOU want and not what society dictates or tries to! I love my boys to pieces, and my husband (recently 50!) - although exhausted too - also feels lucky and priveleged to have them.

Jx

[pigeonairre]

My mum had me at 42 and that was back in 1978! She's still going strong and working with children aged 69! Back in the day I was a bit self conscious having an older mum, but these days it's the norm, no one would bat an eyelid.
If you are fit and healthy and so is your partner, then 42 is not too old.
X

[brihoney]

My mother had my little sister when she was 47, and that meant there was a 9 year age gap between us (we also have an older brother and sister 2 - so 16yrs total between eldest and youngest). I definitely think my little sister kept my mother young and now in her mid 70's she is looking after my 2 son's all day most days (she's fab).

I know my mother was fairly worried about the pregnancy and didn't tell anyone till very very late when it was unavoidable, but it all worked out fine and she said it was the easiest of the 4 births!

Also, my sister and I are very close despite the 9 yr gap, but then what else would a nine year old girl want more than a real living doll!

Goodluck with it if you do decide to go for it.