Au pair info needed please Post Reply

[coolmum]

Our au pair has come over and is just showing no enthusiasm to my daughter. Her English is very good and she does as I asks but there just seems no natural ability there to work with children (even though on her CV it said she was experienced).

I've asked her to be more interactive and enthusiastic but it's just not happening. She rarely smiles and either looks pissed off or scared out ofever wits. I didn't get her through an agency.

What's the best way to deal with this as I really don't think it's going to work out.

Many thanks in advance for your suggestions.

[twice_as_nice]

Oh no, tough situation as its very hard to address these things especially when shes living with you and when the problem is more attitudinal than behavioural ....but obviously you do need to do something about it.

How old is she? Is it her first au pair job? Maybe it's not what she's thought it would be and she is home sick? Does she have any friends here? Just wondering if the problem is that she's not very happy in London - maybe worth having a conversation about whether she is happy with the job and living in London? Maybe you could seek out some au pairs from her home country for her to meet?

If its nothing that's bothering her, it's just that she doesn't understand your expectations of her then I think you needed to have a talk about what you expect her to do (be more enthusiastic and proactive etc ) and if she still doesn't respond then maybe it's best to give her notice.

[coolmum]

It's her second au pair job. She has a couple of friends in London but not too many. I've been dropping hints for her to be more enthusiastic and proactive but I just don't think you can teach somebody that. My husband had a word before so will have to see how it goes.

If she's not through an agency do you know how much notice we have to give and whether we should pay her flight home if we give notice?

[Loretta]

Hi !!
How long has she been with you now ??
I think, if you give her 2 weeks notice it will be fine ! Just the time for her to find another family if she wish to stay.
If she wants to go home, I am not sure if you have to pay for her flight.
But, one of my friend (I am an aupair too) got fired from her job and the family paid for her flight.

I agree with "twice as nice", you should have a talk with her and see what's wrong. Maybe she needs time to get into the routine and so on ...

Laura

[nanny_kitty]

Hi,

I think the suggestions above are valid ones. At the end of the day, if she's had one au pair job then she is under no illusions as to what is expected of her.

It's worth having a nice talk to her to see if there is anything that can be rectified, followed by a harsher talking to if nothing improves. Two weeks notice seems about right if you would like to replace her. Paying for her flight home, or making a contribution towards it is nice, but by no means expected of you as if she is fired then she has not fulfilled the original terms of her stay.

Unfortunately some au pairs view their year abroad as a chance to get away from home, party all the time and travel - without paying too much attention to the reason they are there in the first place.

Good luck!

[abitstressed]

Hello,

I had the same problem very revently when 3 weeks after I gave birth to my second child, our au pair seemed to have dropped the ball completely on my 2 year old (and everyt.hing else in fact!). As with yours, it was the attitude that was a major problem and you can imagine that my patience wasn't at its best! I am French and so was our au pair so no language barrier there. I spoke to her a couple of times to reiterate her role, tasks and our exoectations but nothing changed. She ended up leaving us overnight (she was paid for the whole month!) creating a huge scene! My advice is give her 2 weeks notice and let her go. From experience, things very rarely sort themselves out when it comes to au pairs' attitude.

Good luck!

[coolmum]

Thanks so much for all of your suggestions.

A bit stressed, what a nightmare for you. Where did she end up going to? Straight home? Did you try and get your money back?

My au pair is not horrible but she just really lacks enthusiasm. She is nice but my daughter is being a typical toddler at the moment and being very tantrum-y when trying to change her nappy. My au pair says she can't do it as my daughter won't let her. I just think you need to be more stronger with your voice and I would expect an experienced au pair to know how to deal with that situation.

She talks so quietly to her that I can barely hear her and rather than interacting and playing games like ball, interacting she just sits there an watches.

I just don't know if I'm being picky. She's in her 30's, I went for someone mature thinking it would be better.

I'm terrified for givin her notice incase it's so awkward in the house!

[Loretta]

Did you get references from her previous job ?
It seems to me that she doesn't know how to manage her role ...

Good luck and let us know !

[sutherland]

Dear Coolmum,
I think you should spell out what you want clearly as you have nothing to lose and then if there is no improvement I would be inclined to call it a day. We have had two au pairs and are about to get another one. I always use aupair-world.net and interview via skype and I always give them a written contract in advance. I would be reluctant to take on someone in the thirties and wonder whether they are more likely to be dissatified/unhappy as you could argue that they should be getting on with their own life rather than au pairing at that age. I have noticed that the calibre of the applications has really gone up recently (possibly due to the euro crisis and high unemployment) and I had applications from Spanish women with teaching qualifications and law degrees etc. Our current au pair and those of all my friends is Spanish and they are all lovely.
Best of luck

[brihoney]

Our first au pair was a bit of a disaster - she had just got engaged and spent a lot of the time on the phone texting (I think) her fiance, and was a bit glum around the house. At times she warmed to our 4 yr old, but really I think she the bit of her job she enjoyed most was picking clothes out for the baby and dressing him!
It all went bad with a strange string of circumstances, with her asking (in tears) to return to france to sort something out, then letting a man into our house in the middle of the night the night before she was due to leave, and then leaving early leaving what turned out to be her fiance (who we had never met and had just arrived from france) in her bedroom in our house without asking us!
Luckily firing her was fairly easy as she knew she had messed up big time.

But I really learnt what I wanted out of an au pair, and the second time round looked for someone who really liked children. We had a wonderful girl for 6 months, who loved spending time with both our boys, and would do things like ask if she could take my older boy to the cinema on her day off. He still talks about her, and we skype occassionally. He was also talking about the relationships between his soft toys the other day and said "no, that's not the mummy, that is that one's au pair" (it think it meant a bigger toy that was the other ones friend).

Some people are natural and enjoy children's company, and if that is what you want, and your au pair just doesn't seem to be like that, she probably won't change whatever you say. I think the first week or so of having the au pair is key. I told our second one that the important thing initially was for her to make friends with my little ones and let them get used to her. But the other thing I found was it is far easier to explain all their duties and what you expect to begin with. I didn't and found it harder to get them to help with some chores if they hadn't be the ones that I told them about initially (I didn't want to overload on the chores side to begin with). Its all a learning experience I guess, and hopefully we get better at it.

Good luck with your situation, I hope you get through it

[abitstressed]

Coolmum,

It was a nightmare as I really had relied on the help! Anyway, she ended up going straight home and I have learnt my lesson! I'm planning on getting another au pair from September and have started interviewing for over a month now. As a few ladies said on this post, it's vy important that the au pair loves being with children and that expections are very clearly spelt out. I have feeling ours thought she was on a school trip to learn the language as opposed to taking on a real job so now I make it very clear that it is a "full time" job that requires dedication and enthusiasm!

Best of luck and hopefully your nedt one will be much better.
A.

[coolmum]

I am dreading having to tell her, I just don't want the awkwardness in the house whilst she is still here. Should I be brutally honest or tell a white lie!?

[abitstressed]

Be brutally honest and give her h2 weeks notice. There may be tears buttrust me, better to nip it in the bud now than having her drop you out of the blue further down the line.

Good luck!

[coolmum]

Would it not be really awkward though her working for me the next 2 weeks?

[abitstressed]

She will most likely ask to leqve before that. I know that most people give 48h notice and when the au pair was found through an agency she actually leqves within the hour...Perhaps you can get to arrangement with her?