when it comes to nannies, - am I being too picky? Post Reply

[dansk1234dance]

My new live-in nanny started a couple of days ago and I'm going back to work next week after having had a year off with my second child.

About 6 weeks ago I started interviewing lots of different nannies. I finally found one, who asked all the right questions in the interview (the only one to do that), sat on the floor and played with my baby, smiley, claimed to be 'a neat freak' (which is good for me ; ), came highly recommended etc.

Now that she has started she is far from living up to the promise. She doesn't y have 'positive energy', she seems unenthusiastic, disengaged. We have 4 days only to settle her in and she's not really being the sponge I was hoping for, asking lots of questions or really trying to connect with the kids. One example today would be I asked her to put together a small paper airplane for/with my son, which she did, but without asking him to get involved in the task and when she finished, sat at the table and launched it into the air - and that was it. Not any thing like 'wow, look at that' or 'now your turn' etc. Same in the sand pit this am. I consider that a great place to engage the kids in play, but she was just sitting doing her own thing, occasionally putting some sand on my baby's feet and making her laugh. Furthermore, as she's live-in she doesn't seem to offer to help with the cooking/general tidying etc.

So, my question is, am I just being difficult? She has an easiere time engaging with the baby as opposed to my 4-year old (who does sometimes behave in an unreasonable manner, as they do). Is it ok for a nanny to sit in the sofa for a little while during working hours? Is it ok for her not to really get on the floor and initiate play at this early stage? Will that come later? Or do a lot of families feel it's ok for the nanny not to spend much time playing, but rather just 'being there' making sure the kids are safe/fed/bathed etc?

I can't figure it out. I'm underwhelmed by her, but on the other hand I"m sure she's capable and the kids would be safe. I just feel as if I should be impressed by her in the first couple of days and not feel like this. I wonder if the connecting with the kids will come later, is it unreasonable to except so much enthusiasm from day one?

I've had two amazing nannies, who just went in from the word go and got stuck in and played and engaged and I guess that's what I want this time too.

I found her through an agency - I'm wondering what the agent will say if I call up tomorrow to explain that it's not really working out for me....

any thoughts greatly appreciated!

[MGMidget]

Firstly I predict the agency will argue you should give her more time. However, they would wouldn't they? The more time you give the more 'locked in' you will feel. However, I feel for you as you have only four days until you return to work so must be feeling under pressure and really want this to work out or want to find another solution quickly.

Personally I would expect an experienced nanny to know how to engage with a 4 year old as well as a baby so I don't think you are being too picky expecting this. If you have had two good nannies previously that met your expectations then you know its possible again.

I would be worried that she's behaving like this when you are watching her as I would expect most nannies to be trying extra hard to impress at this stage. Its possible she might be feeling a bit intimidated/overwhelmed by your presence so you do need to consider that as you are observing what's happening.

I would consider sitting down with her for a 'how is it going' type of chat to hear what she has to say and give her your impressions/concerns. That way you are at least giving her a chance to improve and show she can meet your expectations.

I would also start thinking of contingency plans in case you do decide to let her go.

Good luck. I hope it works out.

[papinian]

There is no easy way to say this, but you will get what you pay for and even then it is hit-and-miss.

The difference between a great nanny and an average nanny is significant and I don't think you should dismiss your concerns. However, there are very few great nannies (you seem to have been lucky with your previous two).

I work very long hours and I worry constantly about my one year old and how she is doing - and my wife (who is about to have our second child) is the one with her, and she is ten times better parent than me. The question that I would ask yourself is whether the nanny engages with your children as much as you do when you look after them yourself, not whether the nanny engages with them 100% of the time.

What gave me pause in your post was you asking the nanny to put together a paper airplane for your son. Who suggested the paper airplane? I got the sense that you are (like me) a bit of a control-freak and rather demanding. If so, then this nanny is not right for you and it will not get any better. However, you may struggle to find an alternative.

[dansk1234dance]

First of all, to both of you thanks for taking your time to reply. Much appreciated
@MGMidget. Thanks for drawing my attention to the contract/probation period. She has a 4 week probation period, during which there's a week's notice. I'm also relieved that you seem to agree with me, that she should be able to engage with our 4-year old and generally be enthusiastic. At least during the days I'm still here!
@papinian you're right, she seems to be 'an average nanny' and not that different to my previous au pairs. She's definitely not cheap, normal live-in rates and I found her through an agency so paid well over £2K to find her. However, unlike you, I feel there's plenty of amazing nannies out there and I actually feel that many of them can do a much better job than I can! As witnessed with previous nannies. And because this is her main job and I'm paying her, I expect her to engage with my children a lot of time and to get involved (but not 100% of the time as that would be unrealistic) as she hasn't got other things going on (just as I devote my time to work when I go back this week).

papinian, you're right I initiated the paper plane. One because she hadn't initiated anything else herself during the day and two to see what she would do. But I'm not a control freak, I guess you can't be when both parents are working 5 days a week.

[nvmof3]

I think you should trust your instincts, call the agency and start looking for a replacement. I let one go after just a week once and the sense of relief I felt when she walked out the door even though that left me in a pickle childcare-wise made me sure I had done the right thing.

[emsken]

Always go with your gut feeling!!

[dansk1234dance]

nvmof3/emsken - I think you're right. I've before been in a situation where I kept giving a nanny the benefit of the doubt and it's not really worth it - especially because there are so many wonderful nannies out there!

[Katskii1]

My husband and I both work full time - long hours and therefore a nanny is an essential part of our lives and someone you have to trust 100% to look after the most important people in your life. I have been really lucky with my nanny who from day 1 just 'bonded' with my children (they love her so much that they often ask for her at the weekend - good and bad for me but that's another story...) Personally, I think that if you aren't happy now, you will never be and you are better to find a new one now rather than further down the line when the children are semi-settled. This happened recently to someone in my team and she asked to put her start date back after mat leave a week, believe me in the long-run your company will be happy to have you back 100% ready to work a week later than back but worrying. Good luck, I feel for you - i don't think anyone can really understand the feelings/ concerns around nannies unless you actually leave your children with one every day - leaving a child with a family member is just not the same especially a mother/father.
trust your mothers instinct - it is there for a reason

[maxey]

Nannies are always second best and will never reach a mother's expectations. The whole business of getting others to look after your children is a compromise. If they were really good they would be as good as you and what mother wants that?

[Katskii1]

I don't think the last statement is necessarily true - getting people to look after your children is often a necessity rather than a choice as many mothers need to work to provide for their family. Personally, my nanny 100% reaches my expectations, I just think it is a question of finding one that fits into your family and understands your expectations and I 100% want my nanny to be as good as me, if not better - I am their mother and that affords its own unique bond no matter how good the nanny is!

[MGMidget]

If you are reaching the point where you may need to replace her check what the terms are with your agency as often you may only be offered a 'free replacement' rather than a full or partial refund of the placement fee. You are then relying on the agency to put forward a range of plausible alternative candidates, otherwise you may have to forfeit your hefty fee to get someone good elsewhere. Hopefully your agency is a good one that will offer some good candidates if you need to start again. There is always the risk that they could save the best candidates for customers who haven't paid them a placement fee yet!

I don't think what you are expecting is particularly picky. Interacting with a four year old and a baby, initiating some play activities and/or showing enthusiasm - it should all be so basic for a nanny.

I also disagree with the comment made by a poster that no mother wants a nanny to be as good as them! Both nannies I've employed in the past were professionals in childcare and could offer knowledge and experience I didn't have. They added value but were never a threat - if you've formed a bond with your baby at birth no nanny can ever replace that. Most parents want the best nanny they can find - they cost enough after all!

[bbroxash]

There are a huge number of nannies posting via nappyvalley - if you have time you should give some a chance. Our first nanny came from an agency, when she left abruptly without doing her notice period because of boyfriend trouble, the agency did nothing to help us. Query what the agency actually does for you. The CRB checks etc all come from the nanny and are at the nanny's costs. Agency simply says they need to have these to be represented by them. Agree that she should be trying to make a great impression and is obviously not! good luck.
B

[MrsOctober]

Nannies are always second best and will never reach a mother's expectations. The whole business of getting others to look after your children is a compromise. If they were really good they would be as good as you and what mother wants that?

Maxey, you couldn't be more wrong. I expect my nanny to be better than me! Unlike me, my nanny doesn't have to run the house, pay bills and deal with all of life's admin. Unlike me, she gets a full, unbroken night's sleep every night. She's chosen childcare as a career and has no other distractions during her working day. So when she's with my kids, she's fun, energetic and enthusiastic 100% of the time. She is dedicated to keeping them entertained, happy and safe. My kids adore her and I am delighted. My kids still know who their mother is. I can't understand anyone being jealous of their nanny or wanting their nanny to do a second rate job, to make themselves look like better parents.

Meanwhile, Dansk1234dance: I don't think you're being too picky at all. My advice to you would be get out while you can. I've been there. Your gut feeling is right. A good nanny is proactive and has a load of activities up her sleeve. If your nanny is like this so early on and in front of you, she will probably turn on the TV on rather than engage with the kids when you're not there. You want and deserve someone with lots of energy and someone who instigates great activities. The very fact that you had to suggest making a paper plane, suggests that you felt there was something lacking. Don't put up with it merely because replacing her will be a hassle - remember, it's probably only going to get worse as she settles in. And whoever said 'you get what you pay for', well that's an insult to all the outstanding Au Pairs out there. I think it's more like 'you get what you'll put up with'!

[Katskii1]

Well said Mrs October

[supergirl]

Hi there

As other have said, I would go with my gut feeling since you are still on the probabtion period, it is fairly easy. Just be straight and fair and tell her how you feel, she what she says and if it is not good enough then just say thanks but no thanks so to speak.

More importantly: do not feel guilty about that (so long you are fair). If your gut feelings are telling it is not working now, it is likely that it won't change.
The reason I say that is I have a nanny and from the 1st second I had a very positive feeling about her and still have 10 months down the line... And that's the way it should be.
My nanny is great because she value my kids as individuals, she likes them and she is genuine and engage with them (and she listens). There are some parents who expects the moon from their nannies. They are human beings like us and therefore are also imperfects.
So long that you are a not making unreasonable demands, then it is fair to expect your nanny to engage with both your children.

The only thing I thought when I read your post is why do you let them during the settling? When I babysat when I was in my 20's, I was paralysed if the parents were there... not because I had something to hide but for fear of doing it wrong, and because I felt I was watched. If she is not extra confident, it could be just that.

I also feel that there are no "right questions to ask at an interview". Maybe she ticked all your boxes but maybe because you were concentrating on the boxes, you overlooked the feeling you both had. Maybe some nannies that you didn't hire were good but didn't ask the "right questions" because they were stressed by the interview?

Good luck, I believe it all happen for the best and you ll soon find the perfect one!