do I kick him out? Post Reply

[worriedwife]

Hello
I'm a regular on here but I'm writing under a different account for obvious reasons.

My husband has never been the most faithful of husbands, although he is a wonderful father, and I know that he has been seeing someone else for a while now, although he denies it.

I'm at my wits end with his unfaithfulness and it makes me feel so wretched. I look at all these perfect mums driving around in their 4x4s with their perfect husbands and I just feel so awful for not being part of their world. Should I accept that I can almost have it all and put up with his unfaithfulness, or should I try to insist he changes? Some days, when I'm feeling strong I just feel like kicking him out and then other days I feel I should get real as I could never support myself and my children without his money?

Do these things ever sort themselves out or is he always going to be unfaithful?

WW

[cupoftea]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I can imagine how insecure you must feel knowing that your husband may be cheating.

Are you certain about this? What makes you think he is cheating, etc? And what is your day to day life like with him as a husband? Do you go out together, go on holidays etc?

You deserve to know where you stand in this relationship, regardless of the outcome, if he is cheating, you need to know so you can make a decision about what to do next.

Putting aside finances, if you were to leave him, do you think you'd be happier?

[vix176]

Hi Worried wife,
I felt I had to post a reply as you sounded like you needed advice, not that I am the person to listen to by any means. However what you said upset me..if you KNOW your husband is cheating why are you staying with him. Forget about the children, you are your own person in your own right! No-one deserves to be cheated on..whether you have children or not. Just because he may be able to provide for you and the kids does that means he can buy the right to sleep with whoever he wants? You have to remember that children grow up and leave home eventually so please don't say you'll stay for the kids! You have a right to your own happiness and please don't look at anybody else's status and feel jealous in comparison..you never know what is going on at home! I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide. xxx

[EHMorris]

He won't change. I hope you find the strength to give him the boot as you deserve much better. It will be hard at first but do you really want to look back later in life having put up with this for any longer? He is obviously too much of a coward to leave you so you have to make the break.

[juliantenniscoach]

" I look at all these perfect mums driving around in their 4x4s with their perfect husbands and I just feel so awful for not being part of their world."
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I would say that the above is an image, built on your own current unhappiness. nothing/no-one is perfect and no one know what goes on behind closed doors.

you've tolerated your husband's behaviour before and there must have been reasons for that beyond security. re-examine those and try to confront him. I would try to explain, the effect, that his behaviour (if true) is having on you and the potential effects on your family as a whole. there aren't that many men who relish the thought of being a 'sunday father'.

it's very easy to say "leave him", "you deserve your own happiness" etc but your circumstances, reasoning are yours and yours alone. the effect this may have on your children must be taken into consideration but not to a point where you're paralysed through guilt.

hope you work it out.

[tillywith2boys]

Hello Worried Wife

Firstly, don't worry about the perfect mums in their perfect lives with perfect husbands. That's just not true. I went through a separation a few years ago (not through cheating, but still most painful) and know exactly how you feel when looking at others in their perfect lives and feeling like you're the only one without one. I felt like a total outsider / failure.

Thing is, you learn that other people's lives are not at all perfect and you have no idea what their lives are really like 'behind closed doors'. But I can assure you they are not perfect.

Secondly, in terms of your situation, you're not going to know what to do until you talk to him, I don't think, and he talks to you.

Only you can decide whether you can forgive him / he'll change / you want to put up with it (you shouldn't, I don't think) / you want to leave.

But you need to talk to him, and you need both of you to face the situation and see what you both want to do about it.

Good luck. Where you are now must be horrible. All I can say from my experience is although you don't know it at the moment, life can be good and happy and calm coming out the other side (whether you can fix / whether you decide to leave). Not just for you, but your children too.

I hope that helps a bit.

p.s. am regretting not selecting a more spurious username now but don't know how to change it!!!!

[harrysfather]

Hello,

and like everybody here, I am sad to read this thread, esp. since there are children involved, and separation/divorce is rarely good news for young children.

Leaving aside questions such as "are you certain?" and the very good "would you (and the children) be happier without him?", the thing I would like to ask/comment is why if one's spouse is unfaithful it inevitably means that the marriage must end? I ask, because some relationships come to end for what I think are much more serious reasons (depression, domestic violence, illness/alcoholism). I, for one, am not sure that lack of sexual "exclusivity" is the most profound reason to leave your spouse.

Clearly, if the actions are symptomatic of a break-down of trust, then I could understand: Nobody can base their life around a liar and a cheat, but we all tell lies to our spouses, and fantasize about other partners without telling the other. Taking it one step further and living out those fantasies is just that - one step further. For some it might be a step too far - but does it have to be - for all? If I heard that my spouse was unfaithful (and I had no other complaints) I would want to know more about why - and what need it satisfies in them. But my first instinct wouldn't be to say "that's it, I am ditching N years of marriage" and condemning little B and G to "commuting" between two parental homes.
Some people are married to workaholics (or worse, alcoholics), consider themselves "football widows" or have other complaints about their spouses: is sexual fidelity really a be-all or break-all?

The second thing: I am not going down the route of suggesting that there is something you should do "better" - in the bedroom or elsewhere- to win him back. I believe people are inevitably tempted to be unfaithful and have affairs/one-night-stands even if they have a happy home/couple/sex life. Put differently, buying new lingerie is not the answer! But look at the media angle on Wayne and Coleen Rooney (sp?) - how come the majority already say they must split up? How can we, as ignorant outsiders, judge the intricacies and pressures on somebody else's relationship - and what's going to be best for others?

Back on this thread, some have written here that "he won't change". That strikes me as a rushed diagnosis, to say the least! He needs to understand how it makes you feel - and how much is at stake for him. I believe we all have a urge to "get our kit off" on occasion, and the reason we don't, is because we know what's at stake?

Maybe the real clue lies in the original poster's paragraph: "I look at all these perfect mums driving around in their 4x4s with their perfect husbands and I just feel so awful for not being part of their world. "
I for one, suspect my wife and many of her friends would consider (have considered) me as one of those "perfect husbands". Fact is, nobody's life is perfect. And don't get me started on 4x4s!

Food for thought? Yes, I am a man. Am I therefore, inevitably, biased, blinkered or plain wrong?

[soggs]

"Do these things ever sort themselves out or is he always going to be unfaithful?"

They won't sort themselves out by doing nothing. If he is serially unfaithful and denies it then he is not only lying to you he is also being disrespectful to you AND your children. The trouble is that while he is the one in the wrong if you do nothing it is likely to have a detrimental effect on your self esteem.

For those who suggest that infidelity isn't that bad and you should put up with it for the sake of the children, just remember that our children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents. Sometimes there are worse things for children than living between two homes with divorced parents. Seeing one parent treating the other one with disrespect may lead the child to do the same or put up with the same in adult relationships.

You are the only one who can decide if you are happy to live with the status quo but equally you are the only one who can decide to change things.

I would suggest you have a look at the relationships section on mumsnet. There are lots of women in similar situations and the advice on there is fantastic.

Good luck!

[harrysfather]

"If he is serially unfaithful and denies it then he is not only lying to you he is also being disrespectful to you AND your children."

Let's be clearer and stronger about this: if he jeoparizes the marriage which is the bedrock of the children's existence, he is being actively harmful to the children's emotional well-being and future.

"For those who suggest that infidelity isn't that bad and you should put up with it for the sake of the children, just remember that our children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents."

If infidelity means lies, deceit and general break-down of trust in the overall relationship, then this is likely to be bad for the children. If, however, infidelity means that neither partner micro-manages or cares in detail about every aspect about the spouse's sex life, then it can be better for the other spouse, let alone the children. Being respectful can take on many different forms, even sexually.

It's hugely a cultural thing: In some parts of French society, I do believe it is common-place for spouses to accept that after so many years of marriage, exclusive sex is not so important on the wish list (compared to a nice family life, stability, social circle, standing): Ironically, some long-standing wives pride themselves on having a husband who is sufficiently attracive/performant/rich to have a mistress on the side, as long as the whole thing is discreet, done with a certain level of mutual trust (and reciprocity). The wife (other spouse) might be celibate, or also have other sexual partners, and the whole thing is "respectful".

Consider the other extremes: some people leave their spouses because they never have sex together (the other partner is completely celibate in a sexual sense). Some call this "being refused sex", and would say that this justifies either divorce or infidelity. I just wonder whether we should automatically leap to this conclusion.

Back on this thread: you need to work out what kind of relationship you need/demand, and whether you will be happier without your spouse. Part of that consideration will be the well-being of your children. Let's just hope the husband in question considers this a priority, too.

Also, while it's depressing right now: remember it is not the end of the world. Pretty much whatever you choose to do. Good luck.

[funandfrolics]

Dear mum,

I am really sorry your husband is unfaithful. But you need to turn it around.

[worriedwife]

Thank you so muchfor all of your posts, I certainly did not expect such a huge number of replies.

I think all I can say right now is that I will read them all and think carefully about what you have all said and decide what to do next. I will also come back and let you know what are my next steps. Thank you all again, it means so much to have such a huge response so quickly.

WW

[AbbevilleMummy]

I really do feel for you, what an awful situation to find yourself in.

I would say a couple of things:

You say he is a good father, and that is fantastic, but the way I see it, that shouldn't factor into whether you stay with him or not. He will be a good father whether you're together or not.

What you need to consider is whether he is a good husband and if you decide that he isn't then I would move on. I come from parents who stayed together for the sake of the children despite my cheating father's ways and it wasn't a great experience.

Finally, the only reason you mention in your post for staying is the financial security he provides. I think this says quite a lot about how you feel about him. And if this really is the only reason to stay then I think it would be misguided, particularly as any settlement would be generous to you considering your situation (having children and his infidelity). I say this as my husband is a family lawyer and regularly talks about the generous settlements decided by the courts for wives with children!

Hope it works out for you and your children xx

[worriedwife]

Hmmmm, working late again.

[EHMorris]

Yes, very convenient on a Friday night.....

My sympathies really go out to you - I have been in a similar situation myself and not really wanted to believe what was very obviously going on. There is a limit for how long anyone can put up with being undermined and treated in such a callous manner. I know it is really hard but in my experience this behaviour continues until YOU do something about it - at present there seem to be no consequences for him so he just carries on regardless. Reading the previous posts, I though the point made that he can still be a good father to your children without you having to put up with this soul destroying behaviour into perpetuity was a very valid one.

[mummyhelp]

Kick him out immediately. You are worth so much more and he cannot treat you like this. You will feel so much better when you kick him out and sure enough he will come crawling back. Good luck and go for it .