Advice please Post Reply

[WannaBe]

Most people have suggested they do some sort of sharing the weekend.

Just out of curiosity, are you a man or a woman, Astolat?

[Astolat]

I'm a woman. not sure why it makes a difference.

I know most people have suggested sharing, i was adding my support for this view. It just seems weird that this wasn't the plan.

Actually, given she basically does nothing most of the week then i think providing childcare at the weekend is the least she can do.

[WannaBe]

It does seem weird this wasn't the plan.

We don't know the full story. Maybe they are not all in school. If she gets no help she still needs to clean the whole house and cook, etc. Though she is free of children, which seems to be the main complaint here.

I am just saying we need all the facts - though I tend to agree that her life ain't bad if kids are at school. As a matter of fact, I want her life!

BUT I don't agree with you - I still maintain that staying at home with kids is much harder. Though less of a brain!&@*.

[MrsAmanda]

My husband also has a high-pressure job and works long hours. He often has to travel, but I do understand they aren't jollies and he's in meetings from the moment he lands until he's back at the airport again - and has jetlag to contend with.

Despite this, he doesn't earn enough for us to have several holidays a year or educate our children privately.

Whenever I have had a bit of 'time off' and he's looked after the children (we have two, both pre-schoolers), he's exhausted and says he couldn't do my job in a million years. I couldn't do his, either.

He doesn't see the children during the week so he enjoys spending time with them at the weekend. But not flying solo so I can do as I please. It's a joint effort. We each have a few chores to do, we each share the childcare, and we try to give each other a bit of time off, too. Two days to a weekend, that's one lie-in each (in our house lie-in means until about 8, 9 at the latest). The children have swimming lessons on a Sunday so we take turns to ferry them. The other parent then gets a bit of quiet time. My husband has a hobby, so he occasionally takes a few hours, or a day (very occasionally a whole weekend) to pursue it.

It's not perfect in our house, by any stretch. When my husband comes home from work, he flops on the sofa, his day done. I'm still making dinner, tidying, tending to the children during the night. My shift doesn't end. In the past, he's taken time off work, expecting to do nothing at home, either, as it's his 'holiday'. No, sunshine, it's time off from your paid employ, not parenting. I occasionally feel my life of monotonous drudgery is somewhat less than fulfilling and I might do something about it when the children are both in school. I'm also aware we don't have enough couple time without the children. Date nights are too rare and we need to up our game so we don't neglect each other.

Have to say, if your wife has just the school run to do during the week, plus a bit of household stuff (I'd hazard a guess you have a cleaner), maybe the ironing .... AND expects you to do all the childcare when you're home, she's on a cushy number.

You're both going to end up resentful if you don't manage to have a chat about it soon.

[cynic]

Please let's not make it a competition whether childcare or working full time is "the hardest job". It's silly the number of posts expressing such a strong view on that, when none of us know about "any job" - have you personally done all jobs? Just like none of us know about different children (childcare can totally depend on the number of children and their age/temperment /health).

Also how different work effects different people can be completely different. I know a city law partner who takes his 16hour days without even time for a single phone call in his stride yet a part-time actor who is a total stress-ball. Similarly I know two stay-at-home parents who couldn't find their experience more different.

This whole competitive language is really divisive and underpins that whole spiral of self-flagellation that starts with the wonderful positive that is wanting the best for your kids and ends up with many people working too hard either at work or in a different way in the home.

Worried dad's wife may be bored/jealous/exhausted herself (all or none may apply) but she is also probably keen for him to actually spend as much time as possible with his kids (actually from a positive place). If however on Sat mornings he is so exhausted that it's not fun for him, then is that really quality time with the kids?
You have the resources to get some help-in, maybe a suggestion is to have a childcare solution on say Friday so your wife can have some me-time during the week.
Though I think the post about you both having time off is a good point too.

[HikingGirl]

Thanks for the topic. You are describing lots of the dilemma's we have been through over the past couple of years. Unfortunately there isn't a way that IS fair. You have to find one that feels fair for the 2 of you. For me it really helps he gives me a lot of (financial) support building up my own business. I have a website helping professional working mothers combine work and family (www.mumandcareer.co.uk). It is not for profit, and is more of a hobby than work I suppose. It makes me feel professional though, and keeps me in the loop. If ever I need to, it would be easier to return to paid work, which is good for the family not just for me. On top of that it helped getting more flexibility by getting a fixed babysitter. My husband is away so much that I never seem to get an evening out at all, when he promises to be home he isn't there after all. Initially it felt like too much luxury. However, to me it feels like she is just doing what I assumed my husband and I would do jointly, or perhaps what others get from a grandparent that lives nearby. No longer feel 'jailed' at home, is very, very nice and an amazing luxury. I would rather have the fixed babysitter than expensive holidays. But that is different for everyone of course.

Find out what it is that your wife really needs. Find out what it is that really makes your wife so angry that you can't even talk about the topic. Perhaps it will make her angry at you. Perhaps she needs to shout for an hour first, and then cry. Perhaps you need a series of evenings to talk it through. (We did, and scheduled them as well, sounds weird but I do know that eventually this topic would have cost us our marriage, so worth a few hours investment, right?). We had ground rules for the evenings talking it through: the person who speaks get to speak uninterrupted. The other person listens and tries to understand. The person who speaks is right (although they can't attack you or blame you). They can talk about the situation and how it makes them feel. Next you get to respond. How does it make you feel to see them like this? What is the situation from your perspective?

Many years of feeling I had drawn the short straw in our marriage, and I had been the one giving up and giving up more, made me certainly feel angry. Understanding his feelings helped. Having him acknowledge that he knew it wasn't easy for me helped a lot too. And of course some practical solutions.

Mind you, all the top women I have interviewed or spoken to for my website mention they come home from a very demanding job at 6, feed the children and do bedtime, then return to work (on line). Just because they want to spend some time with their kids and give their house-husband a break. Often they run most of the weekend activities too while their husband has some time with the guys at the golf club. Personally I am not sure if this is the right way to go. But something different works for each couple I guess. It has a lot to do with what you expected of each other when you got together and planned children. That's why you need to do the talking.

[HikingGirl]

Thanks for the topic. You are describing lots of the dilemma's we have been through over the past couple of years. Unfortunately there isn't a way that IS fair. You have to find one that feels fair for the 2 of you. For me it really helps he gives me a lot of (financial) support building up my own business. I have a website helping professional working mothers combine work and family (http://www.mumandcareer.co.uk). It makes me feel professional, and keeps me in the loop. And it has helped me return to paid work, which is good for the family not just for me. On top of that it helped getting more flexibility by getting a fixed babysitter. My husband is away so much that I never seem to get an evening out at all. Initially it felt like too much luxury. However, to me it feels like she is just doing what others get from a grandparent that lives nearby or what they do jointly as a couple. No longer feeling 'jailed' at home, is very, very nice and an amazing luxury. I would rather have the fixed babysitter than expensive holidays. But that is different for everyone of course.

Find out what it is that your wife really needs. Find out what it is that really makes your wife so angry that you can't even talk about the topic. Perhaps it will make her angry at you. Perhaps she needs to shout for an hour first, and then cry. Perhaps you need a series of evenings to talk it through. Set ground rules for the evenings talking it through: the person who speaks get to speak uninterrupted. The other person listens and tries to understand. The person who speaks is right (although they can't attack you or blame you). They can talk about the situation and how it makes them feel. Next you get to respond. How does it make you feel to see them like this? What is the situation from your perspective?

Many years of feeling I had drawn the short straw in our marriage, and I had been the one giving up and giving up more, made me certainly feel angry. Understanding his feelings helped. Having him acknowledge that he knew it wasn't easy for me helped a lot too. And of course some practical solutions.

Mind you, all the top women I have interviewed or spoken to for my website mention they come home from a very demanding job at 6, feed the children and do bedtime, then return to work (on line) once the children are in bed. Just because they want to spend some time with their kids and give their house-husband a break. Often they run most of the weekend activities too while their husband has some time with the guys at the golf club. Personally I am not sure if this is the right way to go. But something different works for each couple I guess. It has a lot to do with what you expected of each other when you got together and planned children. That's why you need to do the talking.

[supergirl]

@Inge: i disagree in my house it is fair, not equal but fair. We have the odd argument about who s doing what of course. Part of being a parent.
Fairness can be achieve when you stop pulling the blanket towards yourself and start thinking about the other person's needs.
I put my children and husband first. My husband put thr children and me first (the children... Well they are getting there yesterday my oldest said "maybe they should be quiet so they could drink their coffee"!!! It was nice and lasted a whole 10min so getting there!).

[monaco]

Well done worrieddad for posting here, it shows that you are really listening to her and trying to address her concerns.

Agree with all the suggestions here. Two more
1) if your children are of school age, aren't they old enough to understand that their parents need some "me time"? How about a family meeting where everyone gets to say what they expect from the weekends. Then you can agree that there will be time as a family, time where you take them/attend their activities and, crucially, time where the children play on their own, read etc... while the parents do the same and the two worlds don't collide.

2) exchanging playdates with other families. You have their children one afternoon one weekend, and they return the favour another weekend. Then you can use this time to either rest or be with your wife and do something as a couple.

In short, there is nothing that can't be fixed if both of you are ready to talk about, listen to each other, understand their point of view and then consider together reasonable practical solutions.

[PipG]

As others have said, it's really about team work. I think it's so easy just to think about what you do and not about your partners life/needs. I know sometimes I am guilty of that.

That said, I skim read the OP and to me, it sounds quite unreasonable. The weekend childcare should be 50/50. Maybe Saturdays one does the morning, the other the afternoon and then spend Sunday as a family doing something fun together.

Good luck