Pregnant and just found out he is married. Post Reply

[ClaireJayne]

I am totally lost and need advice. I have no idea what to do. I am 36, pregnant and just found out my partner has a wife who is trying to get pregnant that he neglected to tell me about. So I find myself about to turn 36, single, self employed, pregnant and I don't have the balls to tell this women what an arsehole she is married too!

Any suggestions? I am very angry about this, I feel duped but don't want to do anything to rash as I want this SOB to provide support to our child.

How do I handle this with grace without ripping his face off and/or naming and shaming him.

[dancing_queen59]

This is just awful! I am so sorry to hear this.

Many friend has a 1 year old and has just found out that her other half is married with 2 kids! Its shocking. These men need to be shamed. What did he say?

[ClaireJayne]

He said that he would not leave her for someone like me?????? What an arse. My immediate though of action is to tell his wife but I don't want to do this as I need him to contribute to our baby, its not like he can not afford it, he works in the city and is on a pretty good income.

I'm absolutely livid but I need financial advice then I will worry about cutting his balls off!

[Yumum]

First of all what an a***hole!!
Can you go through the courts? I went through something similar, my only advice is as best you can hold your head up high speak to him only about the child and go out there and enjoy being a strong, confident women!
I did that and he came crawling back of course, I took great pride in turning my back to him and now I'm with the most amazing man I have ever met and pregnant with his baby.
True love is just around the corner;
something my mum has always said: Live long, love much, live well.

Hope this helps a little

Emele x

[Mrs Contractor Mum]

I'm not a legal expert but I would have thought by law he would need to provide financially to you whether you make his life hell or not. I guess it would be better to find a solicitor who can start representing you now with this rather than leaving it much later with the hope you can resolve the situation amicably.
As for telling his wife, that's for you to decide but if it were me, despite being devastated that my husband was a lying cheat (I'm being polite) I would want to know before having a child with him.

[broodje]

I know you might be feeling emotional about this, but you need to put emotions aside and think pragmatically.

If you actually want to go ahead and have the child, you need to arrange the finace to bring the child up. Letting his wife know that she is married to a jerk won't solve your issues.

His father has a legal obligation to support the kid, regardless of whether he is married or not, to you or to somebody else, etc. You will have to go to court for this. Normally, the court does not deal with child support payments in divorce and instead Child Support Agency does, but this is not the same here. Besides, CSA used to deal with case where income was something like below £100k p.a. (I might be wrong about the precise number). With incomes above that, it was court's domain.

You need to find a good lawyer now. I don't know what your income is and if you can afford it, but it will be money well spent. (good family lawyers rarely charge below £300/hr in London). You might even qualify for legal aid (not all lawyers work with legal aid, but many do, even top notch ones). Go to Chambers and Partners and see their guide on family firms to pick one.

http://www.chambersandpartners.com/UK/Editorial/39098

Good luck! And as I said, try to stay pragmatic.

[ClaireJayne]

I am just so very angry and whilst I want to tell her, how is that going to solve the situation I find myself in, I have a vision of waddling around there in my third trimester but trying not to be the s**t in this situation. My thought process at the moment is to try and get him to give me a lump sum payment ( he can afford it, we are not talking about someone who is lacking in the finance department), rather than having to beg for money over a long period of time. He has already said that he is not going to put his name on the birth certificate what a charmer, clearly they don't teach manners at Oxford!

I do need legal advice though.

[moops]

OMG you poor thing! How long have you been together for? How did he cover up a Wife that he had to go home to? I take it this baby wasn't planned? How did you find out about his Wife? Has he said he doesn't want anything to do with the baby? X

[ClaireJayne]

Baby not planned, I thought I was well behaved making it to my mid 30's and not having any accidents (my sisters have a number of children in their teens) but this was an accident (but very much wanted though) He has two homes, obviously the one in Battersea is the town house........and I will tell you how I found out (are you sitting down for this) I noticed that the email account he sent me a paypal payment was different to the one he emails me on, so I put that paypal one into google and up popped a website that had been created dedicated to their wedding and honeymoon! arrrrhhhh!!!!!!!

[moops]

Bloody hell what a shock! How did he react when you told him about the baby? I assume he knew before you found out? How long were you together for? Was it a proper relationship ie staying over each other's houses etc? I just don't understand how he managed it! I really feel for you. Obviously he has to take responsibility for this child financially and his wife is bound to find out about it? I would be tempted to tell her as well considering they are trying for a baby and he's such a rat!

[ClaireJayne]

I'm tempted to but I really don't want to inflict any pain on another women but I am having all these thoughts of just showing up on his door step and announcing myself.

When I told him about the baby, he said that whilst he is sure I would be a good mother, I would only be a good mother with the right partner and he was not the right partner for me and I would not be able to cope as a single mother, he literally lay on the bed, went white and asked how it happened mmmmm perhaps because we were having sex 3/4 times a week.

Staying at each others places, dinners, outings, planning a trip away, he works 100 hours a week ( or maybe not now) I work insane hours and travel with my business so it kinda just fit together and the sh*tty thing is, is that he chased me, relentlessly not the other way around.

[supergirl]

Hi ClaireJayne
I am sorry to read that, I hope as one poster said that a true love is round the corner.

I just would like to say I understand you are very angry and want to "cut his b... off". You should express your feelings here on this site, we are a lot of people and you will find support here. I don't think that telling his wife is the right thing to do though. You will feel better because you have told her but very quickly I imagine you would see that the real issues are still facing you.

I am not saying that he doesn't deserve this, but that you shouldn't waste your precious energy to something like that. Instead, concentrate on you and your pregnancy (if you want to keep the child) or to getting you sorted (if you dont want to go ahead with the pregnancy - how far advance are you by the way?), and on to getting a lump sum or whatever agreement you'll reach with him and I would imagine that you will have to fight hard for this so you'll need all your strength. And more importantly, dedicate your energy on yourself as this is your only way to recover from this.

Rest assured that sooner or later his wife will found out, like you did. He was stupid enough to email you with a different email address... If he makes stupid mistake like that, god knows what he has already done or what he will do. Maybe his wife already know, maybe he has already cheated on her in the past, you don't know.

As somebody said, find yourself a good lawyer. And write to him (keep a copy for you and send it register mail + signature so you have a proof that the letter has been sent and received) at his office for ex. to tell him exactly and rationally what is it exactly you expect from him from now on and what is it exactly you will do in order to get it if he doesn't comply. Give him a deadline by which he should have respond and comply.

Keep your head high up, always take the high road, think about your future and your child future. Stay rational at all times when you talk to him and at the court (if you go there). I am confident you will win and that this is the ONLY way to deal with people like that (I am talking from experience, although there was no children involved). Keep everything in writing and keep copies, just in case. Also if you reach an agreement without lawyers, have him to sign a paper about this agreement (in case you need in few years time to come back to it because the lump sum was not enough).

In the meantime, scream here so you can let it go. We are also here for that.

Good luck and keep us posted on how you are.

X

[ClaireJayne]

Thanks, I'm starting to cry now, I don't want to hurt anyone I am just really scared and well pissed off. I am only 10 weeks and not told anyone other than him (and now all of you fine people) I have never been pregnant before and I'm about to turn 36 next week and I know I should get past the 12 week mark first but this bombshell has suddenly made me panic, I am trying to sort my options whilst I could survive from my business, it would be a struggle. Thanks for all the comments

[broodje]

I can't emphaisize enough that you need to take legal advice as soon as possible if you want to keep the baby.

I wouldn't recommend agreeing on something without involving lawyers. Even if you don't end up going to courts and negotiate out of courts, you want to have it properly documented.

Also, don't understimate how much money you'll need over the years to bring up a child. Let's say you don't work - then you need enough money to support you both + school fees if you are thinking private education (and you should get the school fees if he can't afford it and anyway there are no other kids). Let's say you it's £3,000 month over 18 years - that's £648k without the school fees. Not sure he has that lump sum.

Or let's say you work and that pays for house and essentials for you, but you still need childcare and expenses for the child, let's say £2,000 per month, that's £432k over 18 years.

Lots of iterations, but what you shouldn't do is to arrive at a private arrangement (i.e. not documented by lawyers) for £150k now and think that's enough because it isn't!

[Raspberry-Sorbet]

Very brave to post on here so openly and with so much detail and at least all these replies will be objective and helpful.

You say the baby is much wanted and of course, even after just 10 weeks, you will feel very attached. There will always be a way forward (Annabel's Arcade for a start for the baby kit) especially when you really want to have this baby.

In terms of telling the wife - tricky one. I imagine, she will be devastated to find out. More so that you are pregnant if she is trying and is not. You cannot feel any guilt for this if you thought you were seeing a single man. Regardless of telling her out of revenge or not, would she want to know. At first, she would be furious and resentful but 6 months on perhaps she would be glad. She may choose to stay with him (I have one friend who did just that pre marriage and kids so would have been 'easy' to walk away.)

He may not have done it before, he may not do it again now after the realisation of the possibility of another relationship resulting in pregnancy or he may feel that he is entitled to have relationships with other women (like Tiger Woods - a bit extreme perhaps to make this comparison!) There is also the possibility that his wife chooses to stay with him, they have children also and in fact, you and her would have contact - your respective children would be siblings and surely it would be better that this situation would be out in the open. After all, both women involved have not knowingly done anything wrong so once the anger has subsided, there is no reason for you not to get on. All that said, this may be the final straw for her in their relationship and she may walk away for the better. (I have another friend who did that - she found out before they had even unpacked their wedding gifts but she has never looked back. Happily married to someone else now)

Use your instincts to guide you. Sure you will get tons more advice here too. Moreover, look after yourself and that bump! Really feel for you, it's a tough one but sure you will work it out - you sound very proactive.....

Good luck