Would you look through your daughter's phone? Post Reply

[lemon tart]

Not sure how I feel about asking this but to add context our 13 yr old's behaviour has become very erratic and very frequently she isn't that pleasant. Her attitude to school and school work has changed too.

I appreciate that it is tricky being a teenager but her dad is concerned that some of the company that she is keeping isn't quite as PLU as it was. He wants to look through her phone and see what is going on. Not sure of the technical logistics around this but he says that he set the phone up and he can access it.

There is obviously what we do with any info we discover, do we tell her how we got it. But we are worried and frustrated.

Wondering if anyone has done this did it help or make matters worse?

[SWtastic]

I suspect social media, including WhatsApp, lies behind the problems you describe.  Please google Jonathan Haidt and see what he has found about the impact of SM on young people.  It is frightening.  My children, who're now adults, tell me there is a significant amount of real life violence between young people and other really unpleasant material shared routinely as entertainment on SM.  I know one young person who told me they've stopped reading because they spend time with their friends online after school instead however, they are now having counselling for low mood because of some of the material that they are viewing.
Tread carefully with your daughter - why not ask her to show you what is on her phone?  Explain the impact you are seeing on her mood/behaviour and that you want to help her to succeed at school etc.  Maybe a discussion too on navigating friendships etc. as I know people can be vile to each other when they're posting online i.e. things they would never say face to face.  Perhaps ask at school if her teachers have noticed a change and, if so, see if there's an adult she trusts there, to get them to speak to her to see if she opens up.

[Lulu Luckock]

Phones have brought many parenting challenges, and I can understand that you and your husband are worried and frustrated.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to suggest she talk to a counsellor before doing anything you might later regret. 
It can often be easier for a young person to open up to a third party if something is going on that they don't know how to talk about with their parents.

I have lots of experience counselling young people to navigate their way through difficult times. 

Please get in touch with me via my website lululuckock.com if you would like to organise a free 20-minute chat to see if I can help.
With best wishes,
Lulu 

[Shaya]

First of we are the parents and they are children. We don’t let our children out in traffic on their own without supervision and training. In my opinion same applies to phones. Within the phone lies a whole other world as we know. It’s our duty and responsibility to keep our children safe.

We have a 14 year old girl, she had her phone upon starting secondary. From day one we have had supervised this phone. Who she talks to what she searches etc. several things have appeared and sometimes she comes to us with questions.
There have been instances what I have seen on her phone where for safeguarding reasons I’ve had to contact another parent. Our child is not allowed social media. Only messages and the phone line. Our reasons for her having the phone is us locating her and she reaching us. And secondary reason would be school and homework. I’m personally of the opinion that absolutely nothing good comes out to children allowed unlimited use of phones or social media. I acknowledge within my friends we are all different and do the best we can. I think it is great parents can reflect on this and discuss among themselves as we grew up in a slightly different world.
Parenting can be hard when boundaries need to be drawn.
We are parents and not their friends.

[AHW]

We have four teens - the contract we have always had with them, from the moment they got their phones, is that their phones will be checked by us on a regular basis either with or without them present.

I did this often when they were Y7, and less frequently in Y8 and 9 (my youngest is 14 and in Y9), and once they were 16, then they were trusted to have their own autonomy over their phone use.

 We also always said that they should never post anything or comment on anything in a way that they would be embarrassed by, if their grandmother was able to read their messages or see their interactions...that's been a rule that has worked quite well for us.  There is SO much toxicity on line - they are too immature to deal with a lot of stuff they are being served, and I agree completely with Shaya above, that we have a duty to keep them safe - and part of that is making sure that they are mature enough to cope with the algorithms which are being used.  There is a reason that many Silicon Valley execs don't allow their own children to have smart phones or access to social media. 

 

[Janet14]

I agree with Shaya. Our son who is about to turn 13 only just got a SIM card and it came with conditions that I regularly check through his phone. He’s allowed Snap Chat and WhatsApp but no other social media platforms or Tik Tok etc, it’s not allowed in his bedroom and is locked in a cupboard during certain times. We also have time limits on all the apps under parental controls. It still comes with challenges and I think we might be even more restrictive with our younger son! Wish my phone could be locked in a cupboard a lot of the time, it’s far too addictive!!

[Elsie2023]

Tempting as it may be, it’s a short-sighted solution if it damages the trust in your relationship. Try gently amping up the talk-time with your daughter rather than probing or tackling it head on. I found laying next to my daughter at night as she was falling asleep and chatting, divulging a little thing here or there that might be troubling me and hearing her views on it opened up the relationship enough for her to slowly open up and start talking, and then the floodgates opened and and we were able to help her navigate some tricky stuff. If your child fears loss of phone privilege or that you will react negatively to phone issues, they will likely equate that to social-suicide so will do everything to hide issues from you. And let’s face it, they will outsmart us on tech every time! If you snooped, you’re likely to see all the benign messages within WhatsApp chat and miss all the juicy stuff because that’s in Snapchat which obviously disappears. And before you say they don’t have Snapchat, I bet they do and they’re great at hiding it. They also use the messaging within apps like Pinterest to hide things from prying eyes. To truly help, I believe the approach needs to be based on trust and openness and your daughter needs to know you are her sounding board and guide and that there’s no threat of what she tells you going any further unless someone’s in harm’s way.

[Invisiblewoman]

13 is a v difficult year for teens. If you feel something is wrong, it might be worth chatting to them, or their form tutor or checking their phone. I try being very kind to them. When they scream and shout about stuff I ask “are you ok? Do you need a hug?” because I think that school is hard this year and this gives them a safe place with us at home. When we gave out the phone, their contract with us was that we can look at it anytime. We have done this only a few times and thankfully there isn’t much to look at. We have rules for snap maps: no snaps in school uniform, or on your bed or in pj’s, or in bathroom or in towels or with belly showing. Only friend someone that you have met in real life. No chat rooms and don’t say anything that you wouldn’t want shared with your grandparents.

[Benice]

You can look and aside the obvious exceptions, I think the chances of you seeing something and misinterpreting whether its the 'cause' of a problem or irrelevant, are pretty high.
A person knows what is upsetting or worrying them , so I'd find a way to ask.
Even two people wouldn't necessarily agree on content discovered.

I would try to open communication in times of difficulty, this is what we try to teach our children , we dont teach them snooping methods or assume the phone or external cause is necessarily to blame.
Puts the phone too centre stage for me, than my child.