Advice on separation anxiety for 16 month old? Post Reply

[mumofsoontobetwo]

I've just started leaving my 16 month old daughter with a nanny for two days a week, and although it's still early days, the good-byes are breaking my heart.
My daughter bursts into tears as soon as she sees the nanny, and is weepy and clingy and tearful as I try to catch up with the nanny to discuss the day and the activities. If the nanny holds her while we do this, my daughter just sobs.
I feel it's important not to sneak off, so then I say goodbye, give her a kiss and tell her I love her and that she'll have fun today and I'll be back, and I try to make it quick.
But the nanny and I are in some disagreement about what is best for my daughter when I leave.
The nanny feels I should ignore her crying, and not cuddle her or hug her when she comes to me. She feels I'm not doing her any favours and only making it harder for her if I pick her up and hold her when she's upset.
While I understand that you have to ignore toddler tantrums, it feels wrong to ignore this kind of separation anxiety and not comfort her. I want her to feel secure and loved and confident, so ignoring her cries and refusing to comfort her feels wrong to me. But I obviously want to do what is best for her...
Any advice would be appreciated, I think I'd like to just hear other opinions. Thanks!

[mummynanny]

Hi there,
I understand that you don't like leaving your little one upset... Before I had my daughter I would probably agree with your nanny but now since I have her I can see the parent side as well.
I would pick her up, give her kiss and a cuddle - tell her that mummy will be back later... And then put her down and leave - (don't look back as it will be heartbreaking) but try to listen behind the closed door! I'm sure once you will be out of sight she will settle and will have a nice time with your nanny.
My daughter is very clingy and I just have to leave her... She is fine within few minutes - but obviously I feel like crying myself...
I used to look after a little boy who went through the same thing - I also told his mum to leave as quick as possible and by the time she closed the door he was fine.
Many babies get upset when they see their mum leaving.
Hope she will settle soon.

[2009Kat]

Hi, just wanted to say that my little boy is not clingy at all but still had wobbles when I left him. It got better and the big smiles and laughs when I got back were lovely. We used to do as the pp said ie cuddle but then put down and leave. His nanny used to bring him to wave us goodbye from the window and some big waves and smiles from us as we went used to help a lot as did some pretty swift distraction tactics from the nanny. Good luck, am sure it will get better and hopefully your daughter will be fine and enjoy being entertained by her nanny.

[supergirl]

Hi there
I just want to venture that it could be smthg else. Maybe your daughter doesnt like the nanny and that is her way of telling you?
What i do in these situations (new babysitter, school, etc) is in the evening before tell her/remind her what is happening tomorrow (in your case "so X is coming tomorrow to have fun with you! In a very happy tone of voice like you d like to have fun too) and also tell her that it is OK if she doesnt like X all she needs to do is to tell you or daddy, and to give her a chance to get to know her. Then on the day after X has left i would ask her what she did and if she had fun and i would also ask if she likes when X is coming. If the snswer is no i d try to know why (and possibly sneak) by asking her very precise and simple questions.
With my daughter it is easier to get her to say how she feels when we are in dark just before i d sing her her song to go to sleep. Other times she wont open up.
Anyway just a thought and surely you are slready asking her all of that.

Good luck.

[BritishNanny]

Supergirl - I'm sorry but you seem to forget at 16months a child can not tell you what they have done during the day. Obviously the child would say they don't like nanny to get mummy to stay - as nanny is new, these things take time.

Maybe meet up with nanny half a day when you stay around too. Or offer nanny additional hours for your daughter to form a closer bond. Do you leave as soon as nanny arrives, why not spend the morning together? If you have to go out leave a scarf of yours with your daughter and ask her to look after it for you and you will be back soon.

All this is just a faze & things will get better.

[supergirl]

You are wrong British Nanny, it is not because they cant talk (or sometimes they do start to talk like my second child) that they cant tell you how they feel. From when they were 10months Old and started nursery, i have get my daughters into the habit of these questions to discuss the day. To this day they know that all they have to do is to tell us and so far they do trust us enough so they actually talk (also becaus they know we are listening). So far no problem with whoever have looked after them, but i know what to ask, when to ask, and the signs to know what is going on. Plus i trust them (certainly to a point that their view would be at least as important as any adults).

[mumofsoontobetwo]

Thanks for the replies! And thanks BritishNanny - I was thinking to myself, "wow, my 16-month old is hardly verbal! beyond the handful of words, I'd never get an actual answer from her at this stage!" She's really only just started talking, so although I can ask her questions about what she did, or how she feels - she's not really at the point where she can give me answers....
If she was, I'd feel a lot better about the nanny, since I could get my daughter's side of it, but at 16 months, she's just not there yet.
I try not to leave straight away, but that just seems to make things worse - she knows I am going to leave, and is anxious the entire time just waiting for me to walk away - tearful and clingy and sobs if the nanny holds her. But I will try maybe spending a morning with them. I just want to do what is best for her, and sometimes it seems if she's going to melt-down, it's just better for me to leave quickly...
I am hoping she settles - it's just trying to make it as easy for her as I can before that happens. And ignoring her cries as soon as she sees the nanny and refusing to cuddle her feels terribly wrong to me....

[twice_as_nice]

Hi,

I had a similar problem with my daughters. They were absolutely fine being left at the gym creche for an hour or so until they were 18 months, then they just started going mental every time I tried to leave them.

I did persist with leaving them, and sometimes found that it helped to change the environment (they went through a stage where they hated being in the creche but were happy in the little coffee area with a member of staff looking after them whilst they drew).

They are now nearing 3 and one of the girls in particular is still pretty clingy - she says she doesn't want to go to nursery (they've been doing 3 half days since they were 2) but normally as soon as we're there, she's absolutely fine. At times, she will still cry and cling to me but then when I pick her up, she's had a great time and doesn't want to come home!

Whilst it's hard, I do think it's really important for them to learn some independence and to have that time away from their main carer....

What's she like when you've left? I found that my girls were absolutely fine max 5 mins after I'd left so that did make me realise that leaving them quickly and letting them settle was better than me hanging around and prolonging the anxiety before leaving.

Other thought is that a day is a long time - not sure if you have any option but but if it's possible, maybe you might think about leaving her for half a day at first (or even just for a couple of hours) and then gradually extending the time you leave her?

Good luck with it, I know it's heart-wrenching and has no easy solution!

[mumofsoontobetwo]

Thanks again. She does seem to settle pretty quickly after I leave, from what I hear from the nanny, and from what I can hear sometimes from the other side of the door after I go.
I did start leaving her just in the afternoons at first, and have now moved to the two days a week.
The fact that she does settle pretty quickly once I'm gone does make me feel a lot better, I just wish it wasn't such a major meltdown each time I had to leave. So I guess what I am really struggling with is trying to find the most painless way to leave - to cuddle her (which I want to do) or not (which the nanny wants)...

[Children's Therapies]

Hi, I am a dramatherapist and have worked with children who get upset
when mum leaves the house. Here are a couple of other suggestions you
might find useful...

Some anxiety at times of separation is normal at this age. It might be helpful for you to leave an item of your clothing with your daughter when you leave the house i.e. a scarf or something that your daughter identifies with. This can provide a symbolic reminder for children and can help to reassure them in their parent’s absence. It can also be useful to create a familiar routine so that your daughter will know what to expect; this can help to strengthen internal feelings of security. For example, your nanny could play a CD or song that your daughter enjoys as you leave the house or use a well-loved teddy or object to interact with in order to explain what they are going to do during the day and when you will be home.

In terms of managing the transition, I would recommend that you have everything ready for when the nanny arrives. You can then sit down together to talk about the day with your daughter present; it is important to maintain a calm and positive atmosphere during this time if you can. When it is time for you to leave, I would recommend saying goodbye in a similar way. This might involve a kiss / cuddle and giving your daughter the familiar item that belongs to you (i.e. scarf). You can also let her know when you will be home. It might be useful for you and your nanny to plan some separate time together in which you can agree on how you will prepare a familiar and supportive transition. It is important that your daughter feels that you are working together in a positive way to take care of her needs; this will help her to manage the separation more easily.

Hope this helps!

[susiep23]

hey there, just been reading these posts. My advice from my exp (nanny and nursery 10 years) on what i would do/think is right is to definately to say goodbye, give cuddles say you are coming back etc and do not just sneak off as u said as this way baby/child learns mummy/daddy goes away but they come back again.

Do show attention to an anxious child ofcourse . A new person in her life, her routine change and mummy/daddy going is alot to adjust to for a little one, its not that the child is having a tantrum espesially at only 16mths of age its a perfectly normal reaction to mummy/daddy going and adjusting to the new set up at this young delicate age so i wouldnt ignore the behaviour as carer suggsted (in my opinion). Having said that i would say its important not to linger too long in the mornigs during handover as this makes it harder for you, child and carer in question.

Once u have decided its time for me to go ...do go (about 5 mins after a quick bye bye, cuddle, kiss, and hello, handover to carer).

To ease you're own anxiety as someone else suggested if it is possible to maybe hang back in the corridoor if baby/child dosnt realise you are there to reassure you'reself that child is ok after a few minuets u may find crying ceases quite quickly ....but do be prepared that for some the ajustment may be longer. If u are not happy with anything do talk it through with you're childs carer if u feel the adjustlment is taking a long time, you're child is not happy...as someone suggested maybe spending some time together, you you're child and the nanny so little one has the security of you there and nanny hopefully good bonds can be made between you.

Most often it just takes a little time for children to build new trusting relationships other than immeadiate family especially those who have been very used to mum/dads company everfyday with little or no outside care (babysitter,nanny, nursery) previously so things will get better .


You should definately be able to discuss with you're nanny you're feelings regards you're child ...do not feel pushed out made to do soemthing u dont feel comforatble with. I think as a nnay myself its good to be suggestive/informative where a parents asks you soemthing, or u feel may need a hand/point ion right direction with something i.e routine, potty training etc but you're main role/priority is to ease the transition for baby/child and family in the early days and to form a healthy relationship with the child and parents for a happy environment all round.