Mommy Guilt: Too Many Moves for a Little One Post Reply

[rachelko24]

Hoping to get any input on our current situation with our 3 year old boy.

Our family has gone through a great deal of moving and life changes in the past 6 months in preparation for this move to London from America. And I think it has been too much for our son based on recent behavior.

We received word of my husband's job transfer last August, began selling all of our stuff immediately (we lived in NYC area), moved to Chicago first for 3 months while husband's team transitioned, then on to Kensington,London Jan. 1, into corporate temp. housing, and finally now into our permanent home in Southfields where we will be living for at least 5 years, possibly permanent.

The first two portions of moving, our son did great. He may have believed it was just a vacation, and a long hotel stay. First leg in London, still fine...no problems.

But towards the end when my mother came to stay with us a bit to help with the move, and preparing to move again...my little guy has turned into a jumble of nerves. Crying all of the time if we mentioned we were going to the Childminder he formerly LOVED in Kensington. Constantly worrying and wanting to hear reassurances that the babysitter wasn't coming right away...'later, later' he would say. Wanting mommy to stay with him all of the time (broke my heart when he would have meltdowns as I had to run out to meet deliveries at the new flat).

Along with this behavior he's also begun acting up, and getting into mischief more frequently.

This all from a child who had (in stable times) characteristically been super confident, happy, and never fretting when he was watched by others.

On paper, I know that it all absolutely makes sense and that these behaviors are completely normal given that his world has been turned upside down so much in such a short amount of time.

First steps we've tried are to just be there for him, begin setting in a good daily routine again, get a lot of mommy one-on-one time, and signing him up for just a couple of kid activities. Mostly mommy and me types where I'm somehow involved. We've postponed preschool until September, in an effort to build him up a bit first, and get him feeling secure again.

I would just sooo appreciate any input from other moms. Sometimes I can't tell if certain efforts are making his worries worse or better. Just trudge on through and act like all is normal, acknowledge his feelings with extra love and attention...a balance of both?

Any other moms that have put this age through a life change...does the phase pass? Or shall I begin investing in traumatic therapy sessions now? (kidding on that...oh the humor helps sometimes.)

Thanks so much for any advice.
Rachel

[KatherineHepburn]

I'm going to bump this up to the top again for you - sure someone must have been there or something similar before.
We moved once recently and only round the corner and that caused my 3 year old quite a few tears and disrupted nights, so I feel for you. Hang on in there.

[rachelko24]

Thanks! Appreciated

[pieinthesky14]

I certainly have not been through this, but by reading what you have just said, I think you need to trust your instincts a lot more. You are his mum, and he knows that, I think with a bit of reassurance and talking over time he will understand.

Im 36 and when I moved to london it took me 6 months to get into the swing of things, change is hard for everyone and I believe with time it gets better. Time is the key here. Give him time.

Good to see you are all over Routine. It worked for me . I bet it will for a 3 year old aswell. oh and keep it consistent (even food) - remember the food here can be different too.

My heart goes out to you, must be so hard for the wee man!

You are doing an amazing job here, he is lucky to have you

[schoolgatesmum]

Mummy guilt never ends whatever you do - I swear that as your baby comes out of you so goes in the lifetime of guilt! Three year old boys are very challenging in normal circumstances. Not so much the terrible twos more the defiant threes. Most things are a phase I find (I've got four children) so when it's going well make the most of it and when things aren't going so well console yourself that it won't stay like that forever. Have you got much of a Mummy network locally - it can help so much if you can chat to other people going through similar things. You may find that starting preschool will help - he will have a structure and you will have an instant network. Don't know if this is reassuring or not but good luck!

[MadCurls]

Hi, and welcome to London! I'm an American mum living in the area as well. We moved to London 12 years ago- what was supposed to be a 1-2 year move, and now it's home. I have a 3-year-old boy as well (as well as a 6-year-old girl and baby on the way). Private message me if I can help with any tips on adjusting to life in the UK as an American, or want to meet up sometime and let our boys have a play. I agree with the above post, there's always something to feel guilty about! Hopefully now that you're in the same place for a while your little guy will find his confidence again, and I'm sure making some friends when he starts nursery school will help. Good luck!

[NPMum]

Hi Rachel,

We went through a similar move when my daughter was just about 3 and again when she was just about 5. Prior to leaving the US, I consulted with a children's therapist who told me that our attitude on the move would influence the kids. So if we were positive, that would help.

I think you are doing the right thing by holding off on nursery. I would also establish a routine and stick to it, be strict for a while about dinner time, and bed time. We always ate at about the same time, had the same routine before bed - bath, story, cuddle, lights out. I also ate with the kids and then sat with my husband when he came home. My husband came home early as often as possible to see the kids before bed.

We also took the kids to visit my husband at work, so they could see where he worked and how far it took from our home, etc.

If you could find a friend for him in your area that you could establish a regular play date with, that would help as well.

If you want to talk, send me a private message, my kids are bit older and have now adjusted - it can be a painful process, but you'll get there!

[rachelko24]

Thanks all for other mommy brain perspectives on this which I greatly needed. Even since writing this, I feel he is getting better every day. Thanks again!

[roslynpj]

I have a 4 and a 2 year old and we had a few moves in the past year (to Asia and back). Mine have definitely benefited from routine and structure through the period of disruption. In particular school and nursery has helped that ( and at 3 when they start to make friends and need the stimulation....).

Continuity as much as you can is important. PM me if you want to chat further.