Not invited to her best friend's party Post Reply

[Mum2two2012]

Morning

I have a dilemma that I am not sure how to approach.

My daughter came home yesterday telling me she had her good friend's party to go to on Friday however, we had not received an invitation or email about it. It seemed very strange as it was one her closest friends.

I reluctantly called the mother as it was possible that the invitation went astray in the post however, she advised me that my daughter had not been chosen to be invited. I found it quite awkward but she was very understanding and I believe she will speak to her daughter this morning. It is difficult as my daughter is part of the group of six girls who play together etc and they have all been invited hence all talking about it, but my daughter has not

I am likely to see both the mother and the daughter this afternoon during the school run and am not sure what to say, if anything and also not sure what to say to my daughter. She is 8 years old and this is a party 9th birthday. Any advice for me?

[coldatchristmas]

First of all I am really really sorry that you're in this situation. I've been there, its horrible and I feel for you.

Secondly, you should really be grateful that you've found out this early in your child's school life that this other parent is unpleasant, selfish and rude, you now can steer clear of her as you've seen her true colours.

Let me be really clear, I am not advocating cutting her out of your school social life. I am also not advocating cutting her daughter out of your child's social life (if anything go the other way) but there really are some cruel selfish and unpleasant people out there and the sooner you have them "pegged" the better you can get on with devoting time to those who will give back more.

I find jaw-dropping that in this day and age of sharing and inclusiveness, where we hear children lectured on a daily basis to say please and thank-you, that some parents think its ok to adopt a passive aggresive stance that causes real upset to our off-spring.

There is a mother at my children's school. Her kids are a bit unruly (ok, nightmare!), whenever there are parties she has the WHOLE class round and feeds them junk but, and this for me is the big but, she is a better parent than most of the others in our school because of the example she sets.

I once asked her, as a pack of feral kids roared around the local sports centre causing mayhem and strife, why she had invited the whole class (boys, girls, misfits etc). She looked at me as if I had just slapped her little one in front of her and said "leave someone out? are you mad? they're four years old, have you any idea how cruel that would be? this is their world"

Don't let it bother you, take your danugther our for a massive treat so she feels she's not missing out and move on!

[kewty]

I don't have an 8 year old, but from my memories, 8 year olds can be best friends one day, mortal enemies the next and back to best friends the day after. The invitations were probably done on an off day!

Saying that, it is the hosts prerogative who they invite, and I find nothing ruder than someone asking for an invite. If the birthday girl wants your daughter at her birthday, she should sort it out with her mother with no interference. As mentioned above, leaving a child out at this age is not very nice, but parties do cost a lot and maybe they were limited on numbers?

At the end of the day it is just another birthday party and if your daughter does not end up going, she knows where she stands with that "friend". and on the upside, you save on forking out for yet another present!

I hope all works itself out.
Kx

[Mum2two2012]

Thank you for your replies.

I was loathed to ring myself last night as I am aware that children can be fickle with their friendships - it was simply because it was a girl who she had been friends with for the last two years. Had it been another child outside her "group" then I might have found it easier to explain that she might not be invited etc.

If the situation been reversed I know I would have asked my daughter why is she not inviting so and so. I did ask her whether they had disagreed over anything recently. She said no, they are all going away in a few weeks with the school and will be sharing a room with this girl.

I am not comfortable with this situation and that I rang the mother, as I agree it wrong to ask to be invited to party and yes, it is the host's prerogative to invite only the girls that her daughter has requested. She seemed so laid back about the fact that my daughter had not been invited despite the fact she is part of a group of six girls who all spend a fair bit of time together. On one hand she was saying it would not be nice for my daughter to feel left out then on then on the other hand she was saying it was wrong for the girls to all be talking about it at school Something I find very bizarre as parties are always looked forward to and will be talked about.

I am very aware of the cost of parties, last year my daughter only invited five girls to her party however, they were the five girls whom she played with everyday. This is the same group she is in now and they have all been invited except my daughter.

This has been a bit of an eye opener for me as when she was younger things were a little easier - what she did not know did not hurt her but this does confuse me a bit and I do hope it is not a situation I will have to face too many times.

I will definitely take the advice however, that if she does not go to this party to take her somewhere nice/do something special, although she will not be with a friend as they will be at this party!!!!!!!!!!

[cosmopolitanmum]

I am so sorry to hear this is happening to your 8 year old daughter. They start young these days! I went to an all girls school and I learned that girls cna either be best friends and lift each other up, or bring each other down with their bitchiness. I think you should try and explain to your daughter about the party as its a good life lesson. And then, as another poster said, take her out for a really special treat at the time of the party.
If everything is ok at school with the other girls then maybe this will just blow over? If not then try and have a few playdates to encourage her to make somecloser friends outside this group of 6.
Good luck and I hope it works out!

[BalhamMumWorkingFT]

Argh. Girls can be so fickle and it is so annoying. I have one... scared about these days to be honest.

I'd follow the advice and make sure that you take the higher road. Either way, it will be a good lesson but definitely hard to learn at 8. Hopefully the woman will see what is going on and snap out of it.

Good Luck.

[Mum2two2012]

I thank all for their input with this. As a mother I do feel it our duty to guide and advise our children and not to treat them as little adults and make their own decision because they are not adults - they are children going through the massive learning curve of life.

By not inviting one girl in a group (when there is no apparent issue between the two girls) has left one girl feeling a little confused, and I feel her mother should really have discussed this with her daughter and the repercussions of her actions by not inviting my daughter.

I will no doubt see the mother today and will post my final update on this. Ahh the joys of motherhood...........

[clapset]

Hold the biggest party for the whole year invite everyone including parents but don't invite them.... Start a popularity war where there will only be one winner. It might cost some money but you'll feel better!! Or just don't worry about it.

[tamara]

that would be tempting but I think its the wrong values to set by example.

There is now an 8 year old who believes its ok to leave others out because that is how she is being raised

[Mum2two2012]

Haha Clapset, if I could I really really REALLY would. ....but like Tamara says it will not set the best example to my daughter and my husband would wear the biggest frown.

It really is just her I am thinking about, she does not say a great deal but I know she is confused as to why she has not received an invite Nevertheless, when July comes and it is her turn we will make sure that this girl is at the top of our list of invitees ......having said all of this we have just received a save the day invite for another party for all 40 odd children for a swimming party in Guildford....rather them than me

[schoolgatesmum]

I went through this with my youngest when she was 4. I made a real fool of myself phoning up the mother as I thought the invite had gone to another child of the same name whereas actually my daugther wasn't invited. I realised that it was my issue and I was getting myself all het up about it. I decided from thereon to not be bothered whether my children were invited to parties or not. It's a good lesson in life (for child and mother!) that you don't always get invited to things. And also just because you invite someone to your party it doesn't mean that you will get invited back. For me that's quite a good lesson - giving is better than receiving.

[clapset]

Set for a life as a high flying executive then... Winner!
Plus you get to have a massive party - what's not to like... you could even invite them and show how much better you are.

[Medway]

Hi I have read this post with real interest as I have always taken things like this very personally and it has caused alot of unnecessary upset/ unhappiness/ brooding to me over the last 20 or so years since becoming a teenager. I still do find the thought of 'leaving people out' very difficult which means my dinner parties become unmanageable and parties sometimes have the oddest guest lists! My husband finds it really odd - but I get twitchy if I hear of an event or gathering that I/ we have not been invited to.

I am determined not to pass this on to my children. Although I would LOVE a daughter on this issue I am grateful that I have a son as boys (big generalisation here) do seem to be more carefree and inclusive over their friends and who they hang out with. I personally invite the whole class (my son is 3 and I know this will not always be an option) and plan a party accordingly, but I know others feel differently.

I just wanted to share really - any top tips for surviving this social quagmire much appreciated!

To the original poster I just want to say I so understand how you are feeling and personally am amazed the other mother did not overrule her daughter on this.

[audrey]

Hi,
I was in a similar situation, albeit from the other side - the mother organizing the party. When my daughter turned 5, she naturally had a say as to who she wanted to invite to her birthday party from her school and she was limited to 15 children out of 30 in her class (parties can get quite expensive). When the invitations went out, I was discreetly approachec by one mum who wanted to know if so and so had been invited as well. I said No and was quickly told that this girl was apparently part of the group of girls that my daugher plays with regularly. The girl naturally found out that there is going to be a party (they all talk among themselves) and was disappointed why she did not get invited as well. The thing is this girl's name is not very often mentioned by my daughter, so it didn't seem a big miss from her invite list. However, I still wanted to talk to my daughter why this girl was not on her list and she said "so and so always tries to play with my best friend and I don't want her to my party". OK, that was quite a statement, and at this stage (they are only 5, they can get quite jealous/possesive) but then when I asked her how she would feel about it if tables were turned the other way, she agreed that it wasn't nice to leave someone out (even though it meant going above my agreed number of children for the party).
I think the other mum will eventually see sense and invite your daughter to the party, but if not, I'd just send a nice birthday card to the birthday girl anyway!

[tooposhtopush]

grab that higher moral ground like a squirrel