How do I help my husband? Post Reply

[tina1071]

Hello

I am new to this area and have come across this website and I would be very grateful for any advice you could give me.

I have been married for five years and we have one child. We are trying for our second. My husband is a wonderful man and I love him very much. However he has always had an 'air of depression' about him... He has quite an anxious personality and worries about things a lot, health, money, etc... We communicate really well and he is someone who does express how he is feeling but he never seems truly happy in himself.

He has always been a fitness fanatic but lately has been dogged by one injury after another. This has made him quite 'obsessive' about his health and the slightest twinge, ache or pain really sets him off into this cycle of anxiety, trips to physio's, doctors etc and he just can't seem to cope and I have noticed he is not sleeping very well and it's all getting him down. It's also starting to affect his work...

I am ashamed to say that I sometimes find his constant worrying irritating and it's got to the point where I just don't want to hear about it anymore.... I just want him to be happy. I know we all can't be happy all the time but my husband always seems to have something bothering him and it is starting to drain me a bit and get me down too. Our home is ahappy one and our little girl is thriving at school. My husband had a more repressed upbringing and we were determined it would be different for our child but surely she is going to pick up on any tension between us.

I don't want to label him a 'whinger' as I know he genuinely doesn't want to feel this way but I am starting to lose my patience with it all. I have suggested counselling but he doesn't seem to want to pursue it and the constant moping is getting me down big time.

I really don't know what to do and it would be great to hear from others who have been or are in a similar situation. Is there anyone you would recommend in this area who is particularly good at dealing with men and is there a different strategy I could adapt while trying to deal with my husband and his constant worries? Are there any therapies we could look into?

We have a great marriage in every other way and this is the only cloud on the horizon for us.... Always something isn't there....

I would so appreciate any advice thank you.

[supergirl]

Hi there

I am sorry i dont have any helpful advice (my husband is the opposite, never ever goes to the doctor ) but i didnt want to read and leave (and your post will be top of the list).

I am sure someone will have good advice very soon, this site is great.
In the meantime, carry on keeping your mouth shut (at least for your daughter's sake) and look after yourself in order to keep your sanity and patience levels up.

Good luck. Sx

[ckwmum]

Do you think he would talk to his GP about how he's feeling? Not about the aches and pains but about his feelings of anxiety and constant worries. They would probably refer him for some CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) which is very different from the standard talking therapies, it's about taking really practical, concrete steps to change destructive cycles of behaviour and seems to work really well for this kind of constant worrying, and because it is so practical, it seems pretty well suited to men, as they are do-ers rather than talkers, as a generalisation. My other half wasn't convinced before he started but it has really changed his life and he now senses when he is starting to get into a cycle of worrying about things, and takes really positive steps to change his behaviour off his own initiative, as he stopped having the therapy several years ago now. It's designed to work in that way, to be quite short-term and give you the skills to cope with your behaviour on your own. It's been incredibly good for him, and he's so much more confident now, he used to just give in to whatever the worry at the time was.

Really hope your husband manages to find some help, sounds like you are in a great relationship and with just a little bit of help, things could be even better.

[elenimum]

That sounds like a good suggestion posted above.
Something less specific that can be useful as you are thinking of another baby is "BabiesKnow", a course for parents that looks at all sorts of things that affect babies, including looking hard at how you were parented yourself. Not for the faint-hearted! Quite an intense (and expensive) weekend course, but very very though-provoking. Good scientific basis for everything, too. Unfortunately you have to go north of the river at the moment.
When I went it was mostly couples expecting first or second baby, plus a few singletons.
http://www.babiesknow.com

[ChicagotoClapham]

Depression is one of those things that starts small and gets bigger and bigger until you don't even recognize where or worse who you are. My advice to you first and first foremost is to resist the suck into the cycle with him. Continue to love and nurture yourself because regardless of his situation, you can't help him until you have helped yourself. You living your best life is good for you and can even inspire him. My second of piece of advice is to resist the urge to "matronize" him. When one switches to that role of caretaker, you can shift your relationship to one where you are mothering or forced to mother. Who needs that? Our children are hard enough already, who needs more. Positively reinforce the attributes you like in him, however rare. Saying it out loud will make him feel good and remind you of how good it feels to be intimate. IF he is having anxiety about getting pregnant, take it off the table. And if you are fearing for his mental health, I would advise taking baby having off the table. From a scientific standpoint, there is a statistically insignificant difference in your eggs and sperm now from 6 months from now. Just strive for regular, fun , satisfying sex. Just my humble opinion, from my experiences in life.

[tina1071]

Thanks so much for all your fantastic advice. I will certainly look into all of these avenues.

I think it is very good advice not to 'mother' him, he needs to take control of this himself and I can only help him along the way...

Really glad I posted on here! x

[theessentialtouch]

Hi tina1071

I totally sympathise with what you are going through. I have felt just like you as some points in my life and its not a nice place to be in. My husband works in a highly stressful job, working long hours and it can take the majority of his 2 week holiday to finally let go and relax fully before he then has to return again!

I was also diagnosed with post natal depression a few years ago. I was immediately put on anti-depressants and a course of CBT which helped to some extent but I hated being on drugs (and thankfully I'm not longer taking them now). So I too know a little of what it is like to be in your husbands shoes too. Its not easy to get out of that feeling.

I know this might sound a little unusual, but what has had an amazing impact on both the physical and mental health of my family over the last few months has actually been Aloe Vera! I don't know if you have heard of these drinking gels before but they have an amazing cleansing effect on the gut, and have helped reduce our stress levels, improved our immune systems and we now have far more energy than we did before. I also take high quality fish oil supplements, well known for their mood enhancing properties and my husband swears by a product called ARGI+ which dilates the blood vessels and as a result has been known to lower blood pressure. Argi+ has a multitude of other benefits on your health too (too many to list here).

We have been so lucky to improve our health through these products that I now distribute them myself.

If you are interested in finding our more about these products please PM me. I'd love to share with you what I know. I can't guarantee they will work for you, all I know is that they have had a profound effect on my life.

Whatever path you take, I wish you the very best of luck and I hope that you find a solution that will help both you and your partner.

[mapleleafdoula]

Hi there,

Just wanted to say that the high strength fish oils are supposed to be very effective and certainly worth a try by encouraging taking them or increasing the foods they are in. It's EPA thats the key and worth doing a google on - see what you think. Fish oils are also good for skin, joints etc so you could use whichever angle you think will work for him. And being out and about is good too. If he uses the gym, maybe suggest outdoor exercise?

And all the other good avenues listed above.

Lots of the vey best and look after yourself too. Very. Very. Important. X

[lucystephens]

Hi,

I just read your post with interest, as I had a patient last year with a similar cycle of 'niggling' injuries, poor sleep and anxiety. (I'm a medical herbalist and nutritionist. I'm also a clinican of PNI, which is psychoneuroimmunology, looking at the biochemical links between the nervous system, the pscyhe and the immune system - sorry if that sounds all a bit complicated!!). No patient is ever the same, but one thing that is often very similar in people like this, is an underlying chronic inflammation in the body. This can develop from various different things, including - the stress itself, food intolerances, past psychological issues, an underlying illness etc, and this varies from person to person, however the key is that people who present with this picture often have the type of injuries that don't heal very well. Tennis elbow, tendonitis etc.

Your husband may well benefit from a consultation to really unpick where his problems stem from and to treat the actual cause of his issues. However, you do mention he was reticent about going to counselling, so you may struggle to get him to see someone! A few things that I could suggest to treat symptomatically:

If he is on no other medication, you could try 5HTP supplement (you can get from most healthfood shops). 5HTP is a naturally occurring amino acid which is the precursor to serotonin (thought to be implicated in feelings of happiness and wellbeing) and it is also the precursor to melatonin - needed for sleep.

Another poster recommended fish oils which I would also say may be a benefit. Buy a good quality omega 3 supplement. Also, vitamin D3, which we should be able to get from the sun (if it came out!), is implicated in low mood, anxiety and poor gut health. Gut health has a major impact on wellbeing and anxiety. More and more studies are beginning to show the link between the gut and the brain.

Finally (and this will sound a bit odd!), but I would invest in an acupressure mat. Here is an example but there are tons online: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Yantra-Mat-Purp ... 100&sr=8-1

When someone has a level of chronic inflammation in the body, the immune system has to go where it is most needed, leaving 'niggling' injuries at the periphery that are the least important to fix. Hence you get tendon problems etc. (note there is much more science to this, but I'm trying to explain it more generically!). However, you can 'pull' the immune system to the periphery via other neurological pathways. Lying on the pins of the acupressure mat, stimulates these other pathways and can encourage the immune system to move elsewhere, allowing injuries to heal. It's very effective for sleep too. I recommend people lie on the mat on their back for 20minutes or as long as they can tolerate, before they go to bed (it's obviously not the most comfortable!!).

I hope that helps a little.

For more information about me, see www.revaclinic.com, or you can email me lucy@revaclinic.com if you want to ask anything.

Have a lovely week! x

[Chucka]

PLEASE ASK HIM TO SEE HIS GP. I suffered with depression for years and thought it was all about me, work, relationships...yes some of things weren't going right but it's self-creating. When you're depressed it's hard to make things go right...so they go wrong and you blame yourself ...and so on...
I would have been very anti-mediction thinking it the "cheats" way out but now take REGULAR STANDARD ANTI-DEPRESSANTS and they work for me. I only regret the years I needlessly suffered.
For some people it can simply be a lack/surplus of seratonins. Sometimes talking/cognitive therapies, however important, are not the be all and end all. You wouldn't try to talk yourself out of a vitamin deficiency.
Thanks for sharing. We must all speak up more about mental health.

[salroberts]

Hi - have you come across reCentre Health in Balham? I am the owner and a physio with 30 years experience. I use NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) to work with patients who are struggling physically because they're running a low grade depression or anxiety and can only express it through their bodies. Many men particularly have difficulty expressing their feeling/emotional side and will have an injury or dysfunction (bad back/ stiff neck) as a result.
It is a privilege for me to help my patients look differently at whatever is affecting them and address it in a way that works for them. I have successfully treated patients who have not been able to get the results they're looking for elsewhere.
Please do contact me through the clinic if I can be of help.
sally@recentre-health.co.uk
Sally Roberts

[Clarence]

Hello, what a position to be in, I know very well how you feel. My fiance and I have been together for five years and through that time he has had bouts of depression. I love him deeply and feel utterly supported by him a lot of the time, but when he moves into that state it is a huge concern and takes a lot of my time and attention. It sounds like we have a similar dynamic as well in terms of up-bringings.

In the past I have found that going for counselling or therapy myself has been very effective for us both. It may sound odd, but the dynamic of your relationship has an intense impact on how each of us are feeling, and I think there is a vacuum effect on how my focus on him affects us both. When I have an outlet, and a way of accessing my own source of wisdom out of a worrying state it is really good for both of us. Also he stops seeing that worried look on my face and knows that there is hope.

You're welcome to PM me for more information if you'd like to chat. With best wishes and buckets of luck to you both.

[Teddingtondad]

Hi Tina, bless you, not easy place to be. At Hampton Wick Baptist Church we are holding an Alpha Supper on Thursday 11th October for 7.30pm, it might be a place to find peace, help and friendship in the local area, if you wanted to chat about it you can contact me on 07813082167

Paul