I think there two things here:

Firstly, women’s careers are held back by taking the lead on primary carer role. There is substantial evidence on this as well as my own experience of work colleagues. There will be more equality between sexes at the work place if men did more at home on a daily basis. I find men are supportive of their wives careers as long as it doesn’t impact their own.

Secondly, the OP mentioned the man was a stepdad to her children. She didn’t say if it was a blended family (he has children as well from a previous relationship) or if they now also have children that are biologically his.

If he has no children of his own, I struggle to understand why he should take on the “mental” load of the day to day admin of her children. Whilst he should carry his own weight (cooking, washing, DIY, holidays, passports, cleaning etc), I think the primary carer responsibility of her children is the role of the biological mother…. So she organises the play dates, birthday presents, school activities, uniforms, clothes, homework etc… the non biological dad can be supportive (like drop off/ pick up or help out with homework if mum out) but I don’t see why he takes on this primary responsibility of her children.

If the family is blended, then I think it reverts to more of a 50/50 when it comes to the blended household.

My views might be an outlier (which I doubt but I was brave enough to post) and I assume he has no children himself….. But my main issue with this post is why weren’t these roles & responsibilities agreed before getting married/ moving in together? Why has it come as a surprise?

FYI- I am the primary carer to our kids and so do all the associated roles with that as well as holidays. Wife does the house “admin” like shopping and cooking. We both work full time in demanding roles. It’s a struggle but we do outsource as much as possible and take advantage of WFH when we can.

My experience from household duties is no one ever believes the spilt is fair because there is so much to do. So both feel hard done by

I am a dad and both the main breadwinner and the main caregiver. Yet, I don't resent my wife for it.

I am an entrepreneur, which means that I have the curse of being flexible with my time while earning a high income. My wife is a senior public servant, which means she works long hours for (very) low pay. We have 3 children, aged 9-13. We employ someone to clean the house and do the laundry / ironing.

On weekdays, I work full time but still do 95% of the "housework": Sending the kids off to school, emptying dishwasher, clearing breakfast, shopping for dinner, cooking dinner, clearing up afterwards, checking homework, dealing with medical appointments and emergencies, playdates, school clubs, plus ALL the admin, the car and DIY. The works!

But on weekends my wife does everything she can. She takes over a lot of the above tasks and probably takes care of 60% of the load.

There is no resentment about this in our couple. Of course I sometimes wish there was more praise and gratitude, but at the end of the day we both do our best, and we are equally on our knees at bedtime!

I think there are two factors that made this possible for us:

1. We have swapped roles a few times in our lives. There were short period of times when I worked extremely hard while my wife did not, so she took care of most of the housework. Those swaps were sometimes hard, because we had to change a lot of habits and let go/take over the "mental load". But now, because we have been in each other's shoes we have complete empathy for what the other is going through. I don't resent the current situation because I know how hard her job is. I feel so lucky not to be in her position! I don't think I would feel that way if I had not experienced it myself.

2. We are strong believer in gender equality. I consider my wife my equal 100%. I don't feel entitled to a certain position in the family or in society because I am a male. My wife would not have married me if I thought that way. I think this belief system affects how we behave, think about our responsibilities, and talk to each others on a daily basis. We still have progress to make on that front, as we are still the byproducts of our previous generations, but hopefully we set a good example for our kids.

I hope this perspective helps.

I think that is the deal, explicit or implicit, in a lot of households - whoever earns more keeps going to earn more, and the other one becomes the primary carer, with all the career impact that involves. Men tend to be a little older and tend to choose higher-paying jobs so there's a definite vicious cycle aspect to it. 

It may make financial sense at face value to allow the higher-earner free rain to push ahead while the other hangs back and becomes the primary carer, but there are all sorts of other considerations and knock on effects that really should be discussed and negotiated (not least, the primary carer's longer term career prospects/fulfillment and earning power). 

I know a couple where one is a partner at a Big 4 firm, and the other reasonably senior in government, part-time. She (the latter) will always defend the value of her work against her partner's, even if it is lower paid. 

In my case, I was just as ambitious and high-achieving as my partner but he ended up in finance and I ended up not, so his earning were always going to beat mine. We did 50/50 for a good long while (maybe even higher than 50 for him, because he's naturally very organised and attentive to domestic detail though of course I took mat leaves and endured the physical toll). But eventually I've had to fully embrace the primary carer role as his earning power and achievement have outpaced mine, which have sort of stalled due to my industry (shrinking), seniority and personal situation. I could have persisted in plowing ahead with my career but it would have caused so much stress and tension on the home front it wouldn't have been tenable. 

Interesting article of relevance in the FT (to which I subscribe so someone should be able to read this link), by a male author no less: "What's driving the rich world's falling fertility"

With a few happy exceptions, maternity is a terrible deal, economically speaking, for working women. Although there is a regrettable paucity of high-quality studies on this, I suspect the pattern we see in the UK data would be even starker if we separated the reproductive choices of women who are the family’s second earner from those who are the first. The rise of so-called “greedy jobs” — where your progress is closely linked to how much of your personal life you are willing to put on hold — is a further disincentive to have children. 

https://on.ft.com/3spO8Lx

What I find staggering is how in so many responses here are about how the man is still the main breadwinner, i.e. even if both partners work full-time, he is the one who earns more, and is therefore entitled to do less with housework and running the house, as his job is more important.

When my husband and I had our first child, I was the main breadwinner - I was earning more and we were only able to buy our house due to my savings and earnings. Since then, I have made career decisions which meant my career hasn't progressed, but his has. As a result, he now earns more than I do (not by a huge amount). I feel that I am not able to dedicate as much time to my career precisely because so much of the "running" of the house - and that includes managing each and every renovation of our house - falls on my shoulders, whether mentally or physically. 

Curious to hear other opinions on this topic?

Oh Lord - as one of the husbands who posted, a bit tongue in cheek, let me give a more serious reply.  It's impossible to see inside anyone else's relationship, especially from a brief anonymous social media comment, but I have to say that I am amazed how transactional some relationships seem to be.  We have staggered on for nearly 50 years now (I'm in my mid 70s) with a bit of 'for poorer' for a few years to start with, and quite a bit of 'for richer' since, for which we feel very lucky and grateful.  But we've also had to cope with periods of 'for worse' and 'in sickness'.  Perhaps I'm kidding myself, but I think it has worked because each of us has always thought the other's wellbeing more important than our own.

Sensitive topic indeed, and like others I'm intrigued, and also impressed, by all the thoughtful replies. 

I also find it kind of crazy how still, in 2022, you see cafes filled up with women during schooldays, school Whatsapp groups are dominated by men, and even at social outings the men and women still coalesce into separate groups. I'm not as outraged as I was when I was a few years younger but it is still such a curious (retrograde) phenomenon. Now I can appreciate that it's a long arc of history and traditional gender roles/power dynamics are terribly sticky.

I'm glad some husbands have piped up as I think there is a lot of anger and resentment directed their way, both individually and societally, but not much open response. I do think that women sometimes don't necessarily appreciate the stress and graft of their husbands' jobs, just like men don't appreciate theirs, and that, as noted, some women find it really difficult to let go of tight control of the domestic domain. 

I would 110% second that 'unpaid work in the home' is the absolute glue of society and the fact that it doesn't have the status or compensation of paid work is a massive distortion in the economy. (Recently listened to this interesting podcast on the topic https://www.tortoisemedia.com/audio/the ... on-strike/ - likely similar to the BBC short film!)

I would also point out that society doesn't exactly make things easier for parents. I started a service - a parent calendar assistant called Lifemin (www.lifeminco.com) - that reads school and activity emails and newsletters and diarises all the important dates, to-do's and deadlines in *all* parents'/carers' calendars and inbox.

It's just one piece of the puzzle - an example of the admin that constantly rains down on families, and tends to fall to the female side of the partnership. 


 

Slight change of tack here...but i think it's worth expanding out to think about the role of housework in society. It's utterly vital. If none of the cooking, cleaning, nurturing or organising gets done then nobody actually gets to 'the office/school' in a fit state and GDP remains in the doldrums (although GDP is also a slightly problematic and old fashioned way of looking at global progress but it seems to be the only one people recognise).

Housework is the MOST important work on the planet. It literally holds society together. This year marks 50 years since the launch of the 'wages for housework' campaign. It's not as daft as it might immediately seem. If you have 9 minutes, please have a listen to my short radio documentary about it. If you have just 4 minutes you could watch my short digital film instead.
(Search BBC Witness History wages for housework or BBC Witness History 'we demand wages for housework)

@uptheoctave

Life can be so confusing .................... !

dhcwong - that sounds perfect! I'm incredibly envious of how organised you are. Would that my brain could only begin to think like yours...

Chorister - I always thought you were a woman! 

Anyway, nothing more helpful to add, sorry.

A husband here ... 

When we got married my best man provided some very important advice - that I should stick to the small decisions like preventing nuclear war, managing the world economy and so on, so that my wife could take responsibility for the big ones like what to have for dinner etc.  It's worked - so far - for nearly 50 years.  Probably helped however by the fact that I am (though I say it myself) a pretty good cook, and actually enjoy cooking.

Sadly as long as the woman holds the mental “master list” thing will never be fair.

If you delegate, you are still ultimately responsible. It helps, but won’t stop the burden of the mental load.

I have no suggestion other than to leave the husband in sole charge of the household and kids and let things go wrong …?
Then maybe it will trigger something.
The issue is not many women are willing to let this happen. The control freak within will prompt him to not forget the water bottle and snack etc etc

When I was married, my ex-husband left all domestic/admin/childcare duties to me despite me also having a full time job… his opinion was that he was the main bread winner so his time was more precious. Note here, he is now my EX-husband.

I’m now in a relationship with a man with children from a previous marriage also and we very much split everything equally, without ever having to actually discuss sharing responsibilities.

That said, we do largely take responsibility for our children, and there are Co-parents also involved but we are very mindful of each others child care responsibilities and work together around them…

I always find these posts so interesting and incredibly sad and frustrating that it's 2022 and women are still having to negotiate a fair share of family and house duties with their male partner. It's worth noting, anecdotally of course, that my friends in same sex partnerships don't have this issue, even those with both men, it's an absolute GIVEN that things are shared. So I don't think this is a "lazy man" thing, I think this is the way society has always represented things. This heteronormative BS drives me INSANE!!!

My husband and I have been together 17 years. When we first moved in together I slipped easily in to the cooking, laundry (we had a cleaner) and for years it stayed that way. We both worked. It was a p*ss take tbh. Once we moved in to our house, we talked and things improved. Then we had kids and I absolutely REFUSED to do it all. I just stopped doing stuff. We rowed. Oh we rowed, but I was not having it. He "COULDN'T COOK" so I bought him cookery lessons. He now does 5 out of 7 days cooking. I stopped doing the laundry to the point where it pissed him off so much he started doing it and now he does it all, mostly.

As I got older and became more sure of myself and, yes probably our relationship, I just don't do the things I can't do, but I do absolutely everything I can do, and he knows this so there is no resentment. He also knows how easy he had it for all those years!

Many of the women who do everything also have control issues. And have such high standards they literally can't let their husbands help so the other halves give up. If it gets done, any way possible, amazing, don't criticise.

Also the best argument is YOU LIVE HERE TOO!!!

In our family, working at home carries the same weight as working away from the home. From 7 -7pm my husband goes to the office and is the main breadwinner. He generally owns taxes, insurance, passport applications and holidays. I am working in the house and do everything else - chores, laundry, pets, school stuff (so much school stuff!!) and kids homework, and working on my side gigs (not high earning but highly fulfilling). We discuss big issues like schools. We run our house like a company and have yearly & decade budget forecasts (every household needs one).  I execute the plans and do monthly finances. We take care of our own family presents, relationships and commitments.   

After 7pm we spilt the chores as both of us as 'off the clock'. He puts the kids to bed every night, and does some homework on weekends if there is some leftover. Because piano is important to him he is more inclined to make them practise. I always manage to let it slip. Meanwhile, i am cooking and sorting out stuff after dinner. Hopefully by 8:30 everything is settled and we get time to relax together. If he goes out, i am on babysitting duty, and if he goes out, then he is on babysitting duty. 

On weekends we split the chores evenly, but if he feels like a big DIY job is due then i will take on the small things and give him space.

Because the kids are in school, if i am finished early i get some hobby/gym/brunch time, and when my husband is on work trips, he gets a lot of time off as well. He moans about working hard on work trips but i can see the things he watches on Netflix and he always seems to catch all the new films on the plane. ha ha. I think it's a great split. Our arrangement is very 'modern 1950s', but people forget that being an excellent homemaker is extremely valuable.

We discuss regularly if I should go back to work, and the reality is that if i do, there will be more money coming in but more administration and mental load from the army of carers and helpers that are required, and both of us will be doing chores late into the night after our full time jobs. The fear of my husband doing his own laundry after work is palable and each discussion ends with him telling me to please do what i want (which is to stay at home).

My kids are very happy with this arrangment. Whenever they ask for the newest tech gadget I tell them I can go back to work and buy it but never manage to attend any of their assemblies and they realise the value of time VS money. The peace from this current arrangement, we feel, is worth giving up a lavious lifestyle the we could have afforded if I had stayed in my previous professional role. My house is probably smaller than yours and we don't go abroad every half term. That said, we have decent savings from when I was working (because of our 10 year plan) so we can afford a middle class lifestyle. We don't fight about chores and the mental health enables both of us to excel at our jobs (paid or unpaid) and relationship. 

When the kids leave home I should probably scale up my side gigs and take something else on, but that is a new adventure and in this modern world, being 50+ is an exciting time for a woman to change direction!