Got it, humour doesn't work so I'm reverting to boring conventional ads.

I am looking for a live-in position to assist with cooking, cleaning, school runs and errands, up to 25 hours a week with maximum schedule flexibility including at weekends. Compensation can be au pair pocket money or just accommodation in the case of a few hours.
I'm searching primarily in SW London-Surrey however other locations will be considered if driving isn't necessary.
Live - out positions for afternoon pickups considered too in the Kingston area. 
I am a quiet, non-smoking female born in Italy and living here since 2015, holding settled status and references. Interests: writing, classical music, history, poetry, cycling. 
For further info please message me or contact me on 07513868030. Thanks.

Is it just me or this subforum that isn't very responsive?

@ryanrobbie I hope you appreciate the humour in my ad! I mainly wrote it with English families in mind, as they are the ones I've been working for. 

How have the families she has worked for in the past responded to her cooking and other childcare responsibilities mapquest driving directions? 

Bump

Feeling adventurous? 
Try this Italian au pair who has gained settled status especially to enjoy the English weather. 
None of the several families she's worked for have reported casualties, despite her extensive and at times experimental cooking. 
She also offers to help with school runs, cleaning, making beds, walking your shirts, ironing your dog, and persuading your older kids to do something good every once in a while.
Although terrified of driving in London, she compensates by being not just a girl Friday but also Saturday and Sunday when needed. 
Want to know more? All you have to do is text or call 07513868030 and say you are a fastidious family with kids 10+.