14 year old neice being fat shamed by her parents. Post Reply

[grapefruit gin]

Not sure how to help my 14 year old niece who is being fat shamed by her parents. To be fair she has gained some weight and I can see that they mean well but I don't think telling her that she 'shouldn't have this or eat that if she wants to look good in a bikini this summer' is helping. The problem is my SIL is very strong minded and in my experience not briliant at taking advice which I know she will perceive as straightforward criticism.
Not sure if I should just let them work it out between them, or risk a confrontation. I just feel that they could be setting her up for a world of body image pain if they keep going as they are.
If anyone has a teenage daughter and could suggest a best way to approach I would be grateful. Thanks.

[Lesley Madden]

Why on earth would you feel you were in a better place to judge what’s happening with your niece than her parents are?

Perhaps they are more aware than you of the health dangers of excessive weight?

[BeKind]

I completely disagree with ‘Lesley Madden’ here. I think you are right to be concerned, and as an eating disorder survivor myself, I know first-hand how damaging these sorts of comments can be. As a matter of fact, harsh comments from my dad led to my first purge.

Weight is a very delicate subject for women, young women in particular. If her parents are concerned (which in my view is only really justified if actual medical obesity is an issue, not just whether she looks good in a “bikini” like your sister mentioned), then they need to approach this situation incredibly carefully. How she looks should NEVER be the focus - instead, she could be encouraged to partake in physical activities that she enjoys, get involved with cooking healthy food at home and speak with a counsellor or psychologist. I’d encourage your sister to speak with a psychologist/nutritionist herself to get the best advice.

I’m not sure what the dynamic is between you and your sister, but I would definitely share you concern. They may not realise how harmful their approach is and I definitely think you should call them on it for your niece’s sake. No one should be body shamed by anyone, let alone their own parents.

[Vicki W]

Lesley Madden: The parents aren't making the point about the child's health, they are making the point around sexist expectations of female bodies to look good to be accepted. As a mother of a daughter of 15 this is not acceptable parenting.

Original poster. I would step in as its psychologically harmful, however you need to tread with care as some parents treat their children as property rather than people. Why not have a word with your brother and get him to step up as a parent to protect and guide his child. There are a few good books about children's bodies and being accepting of all shapes and sizes, plus maybe he could develop a sport that both him and his child could do together?  Also, the whole family could develop a healthy eating programme so that the points about health are addressed without demeaning their child about what she looks like to men in a bikini? 

[Vicki W]

I completely disagree with ‘Lesley Madden’ here. I think you are right to be concerned, and as an eating disorder survivor myself, I know first-hand how damaging these sorts of comments can be. As a matter of fact, harsh comments from my dad led to my first purge.

Weight is a very delicate subject for women, young women in particular. If her parents are concerned (which in my view is only really justified if actual medical obesity is an issue, not just whether she looks good in a “bikini” like your sister mentioned), then they need to approach this situation incredibly carefully. How she looks should NEVER be the focus - instead, she could be encouraged to partake in physical activities that she enjoys, get involved with cooking healthy food at home and speak with a counsellor or psychologist. I’d encourage your sister to speak with a psychologist/nutritionist herself to get the best advice.

I’m not sure what the dynamic is between you and your sister, but I would definitely share you concern. They may not realise how harmful their approach is and I definitely think you should call them on it for your niece’s sake. No one should be body shamed by anyone, let alone their own parents.

Exactly this.
 

[dudette]

Guess what - girls going through puberty gain weight! I have heard enough stories of girls round here becoming dangerously anorexic to know this is something you should take seriously. I’m afraid some people are just terrible parents and so I think you are absolutely right to be concerned. How you handle it though is another matter. Maybe you should talk to your niece and ask her if her mother’s comments are bothering her. Perhaps you should encourage her to confront her parents herself or at least offer on her behalf to say something to them. If not then maybe the next time you hear them say something about her weight you should be prepared to jump in and say something. I think saying something off the cuff is potentially less damaging to your relationship with your sister-in-law than sitting down with her and having a conversation about it which could make her feel more defensive. As I said I have heard some really dreadful stories about local teenagers with eating disorders - they have been off school for months, some end up in hospital. Not all girls criticised about their weight will end up like that of course but you don’t want to leave it too late to find out if she would be one of them. Good luck. You sound like a very caring aunt!

[dencng57]

Your niece is lucky to have a caring, emotionally intelligent aunt.  

I agree with many of the comments already made [apart from Lesley Madden].  However well-intentioned her parents are and whether it's for health reasons or something else ... any shaming type comments around what their daughter eats could affect her self esteem and mental health, leading to her developing addictive and controlling behaviour around food. 

Is it possible you could have a 1:1 chat with your brother first, telling him you are coming from a place of love for your niece and would like support with how to approach the topic with his wife/them both.  Maybe even show him some of the responses above &/or find and direct him to helpful websites about how to sensitively address teenage weight issues e.g. https://lindastade.com/talking-to-child ... ight-gain/    Depending on how that goes, risking confrontation with a repeat conversation with your sister in law may be helpful.  

A kind responder above suggested asking your niece whether her mother's comments are bothering her.  Instead I suggest you may gain more insight by having wider 1:1 gentle conversations about how she is, how is school going, what interests her, feelings and worries, etc. 

Good luck!  
 

[Needcoffeenow]

Honestly ‘Lesley’, that is one of the most unsympathetic and unhelpful replies I have ever read. But perhaps you are a bot?

[rickrode]

Social media has also played a significant role in the https://ragdollhitgame.org rise. Hilarious clips of ragdoll characters flying through the air have gone viral, sparking interest among new players.