Child upset having to spend holidays with separated parent Post Reply

[silver]

Just wondered if anyone had any advice/experience in this situation. My daughter (7) hates having to spend holiday time with her father. We have been separated since her birth and he lives 200 miles away and has always seen her for half the school holidays and the occasional weekend. I have (and want to continue) to avoid going to court at all costs and believe a court would award him half the holidays in any case. It seems fair enough but the problem is my daughter hates going and gets quite hysterical as the next holiday draws closer. He takes her abroad around 4 times a year on various trips to see family and to ski etc and she gets very homesick. He cannot tolerate this and gets cross with her and calls her ungrateful when she cries. She says she would like to see him for a week maximum at a time and not every holiday. She loves him but her anxiety goes through the roof around 2 weeks before each trip (crying, begging me to stop the trip, bad dreams) and with so many trips a year and 3 weeks during the Summer plus half terms it's becoming a big problem. I'm worried her childhood will be blighted. I must say that her father adores her and is very sad/angry by the situation and I would hate to be in his position myself although it was not my fault we spilt. Do I tell him she doesn't want to spend Christmas/ski with him? Do I have any right to prevent/shorten the length of these trips on the ground they are upsetting my daughter? Does my daughter have any rights in this situation? Thank you in advance for any advice?

[Betty Battersea]

Poor you, what a tricky situation to be in. I know that a friend of mine got some great support and helpful advice from the Parent Practice... she ended up having a consultation with her ex there and apparently things improved after that. Good on you for being positive about him, given she's so miserable spending time with him, must be hard for him having a sad child when he takes her on lovely trips... maybe if he could see things from her perspective and had some ideas about how to handle her to make it easier for all might help.

[Betty Battersea]

ps. Their website is: www.theparentpractice.com

[getitsorted]

I had and still have the same issue with my 15 year old daughter. No court order, willing father but unwilling child.

It got really bad for a while when she was 13 and we agreed as co-parents that she should stay exactly where she needs to be without the constant pressure of shifting over to dad's. Not ideal as I never got a break and do not have the finances for nice holidays but she was happy to potter around with me.

I believed this was not our daughter's issue but OURS as we created this situation (and her!). Therefore we had to modify our behaviour before ever asking her to change hers. He had insisted that she get counselling however I wanted her to stay out of it and asked for us to get counselling together. The solution was to have the therapist speak with her first and then meet with us as a couple. Her dad cancelled at the last minute but things improved gradually as he took on more of the responsibility of being a good parent and less of the blaming/ungrateful stance.

My research at that time led me to this wonderful therapist - worth a talk with her:

Clare Keogh CPsychol CSci AFBPsS

The Therapeutic Family Practice.
Chartered counselling psychologist (BPS)
Registered counselling psychologist (HCPC)
Tel: 07979864412
http://www.clarekeogh.com/

Hope this helps!

[GailyMac]

Hello Silver

I do feel feel for you enormously as you are clearly trying your upmost to ensure Dad has a positive relationship with your dd but are concerned about the impact on her emotionally as she is making lots of emotional bids to tell you she does not feel so happy

I am very happy to give you a complimentary half hour call to help you out here as I really would like to help. Email me at elaine@theparentpractice.com

Otherwise I strongly recommend Christina McGee's book called Parenting Apart
All the best

[GailyMac]

Thank you very much for the mention of The Parent Practice. Much appreciated.

[silver]

Thank you so much for replying and for all your advice. Elaine, I will e mail you, thank you for offering to help.