More about in laws and Christmas Post Reply

[commons]

My children are 2 and 5 and my in laws have decided for the fourth year running to not come and spend Christmas with us. They're going this year to their other grandchildren in the southern hemisphere, but the last three years they've just stayed at home in Ireland where they have one other son (who doesn't have children). We have quite a stretched Christmas every year as my husband works until Boxing Day and I would really appreciate their presence and help with the children - we get on well when we're together - so I'm feeling rather abandoned and sorry for myself over it.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a long post; it isn't (or doesn't feel like) a simple situation but I find myself getting more and more twisted up over it and would really value some advice.

My husband and I both work full time - I know this is our choice - and I've started to feel resentful that they don't try and help us more or even just get time with our children. He's also their middle child and I feel they neglect him a little.

One element is that I feel they are spending all their time, resources and limited later years of travel, going to the other grandchildren, slightly older. They spend usually 6 weeks to 3 months per visit there, one or two visits a year, and will only come to us for a weekend or a week, also about once a year. I know it is more sensible to go far for long periods - I grew up with grandparents on the other side of the world - but after a few years of this, it is weighing on me.

There is a bit more to this because, firstly, they have a narrative about their other son, who's local to them, being alone on Christmas; he is married but apparently doesn't like going to his (delightful) MIL's (tiny) house on Christmas. I am finding myself feeling resentful of him and the amount of time they give him. We find him difficult. He came to us with them for Christmas when my eldest was three months old. He was cutting to my husband over a present my husband had bought him; he also kicked up a massive stink because I, baby brained, forgot to order the goose. (He told my SIL I'd 'ruined Christmas' - luckily she defended me). We decided not to have him back - we've not made it a fight, we just don't invite him - and I think my parents in laws' choice not to come now is related.

We also had a difficult conversation with them the same year - COVID hit, and they and the other son started a weekly family Zoom for us all that was awkward and difficult, and hard for us practically with a new baby, so we bowed out, and my MIL (unusually) turned it into a huge emotional thing where we were framed as denying her the only thing she'd ever asked of us, - which to be fair she rarely does ask of other people but we just didn't want to see the brother weekly when we're barely friends. I think they are withholding themselves and support since then, as a response to perceived rejection.

I'm concerned to not be unfair to them but I feel really let down. My SIL, mother of the other grandchildren, is of my mind on how a lot of this is emotionally unhealthy from them, and so is my husband, but that is not helping me let it go and have peace of mind over it. I want to just let them make their own choices and I'm worried my attitude suggests I feel owed, but I do so wish for the grandparent presence I see friends enjoying. Any advice appreciated.

[SWtastic]

In the nicest possible way, their actions give the explanation needed - for whatever reason, they don't want to come as often as you would like.  Maybe they don't like London but to be honest, or they find staying with you and your children overwhelming or stressful, if you're both at work.  Who wouldn't pass up the opportunity to spend Christmas and a part of winter in the sunshine of Australia!

You do sound somewhat entitled and a bit precious.  I also think the Zoom issue has had an impact - why couldn't your husband have continued with the calls, even fortnightly?

The incident at Christmas with your BIL is minor in the scheme of things - what family doesn't have an incident at a big Christmas get-together?  It sounds as if he may have additional needs that maybe you don't know about which is why his parents are particularly supportive of him.  He also lives locally to them, so it's much easier for them to do that. 

Take some days off in the run up to Christmas, or hire a nanny for those day, so you can have a relaxed time.  

[Shops]

Reading your problem, I wonder if your own parents are involved as the other set of grandparents (sorry if not) or if there's a gap there for you.
I'm not sure you have any control over your husbands parents,I feel this is for him to react to.

Maybe you are overthinking but try to stem any feelings of resentment by nipping that in the bud, whether part of this mounts up because your husband is working at Christmas and you feel under-supported?

Try to count your blessings and funnily enough sometimes having in-laws away can be one too!
Perhaps arrange something else as a distraction, or think of having their company at another time of year and be flexible as to where you go.

[Stars and Stripes]

I feel your pain, having written on here previously about a lack of help from my in-laws. It is hurtful.

Having read your post I would be tempted to suggest:

1) you think about making another holiday period 'your special time', less pressure on in laws to be with others, less pressure on you at an already busy time

2) you consider extending an olive branch to the not so wonderful BIL. Maybe rent a neutral location from say 27th for a few days. Your in-laws will be pleased that you are making an effort and it will make it easier for them to say yes, even if he declines.

3) your husband speaks to them. It could be that they feel that you are so busy it isn't the best time for them to come and visit!

Don't give up and don't depsair, there is plenty of time for your children to make their own traditions with grandparents.

xx

[absenthiss]

I sympathize with you because I once fell into such a situation.

connections game

[dudette]

Most people posting on here about their in-laws at Xmas say they don’t want to see them so it’s unusual to have someone saying they do. My in-laws never offered to have the kids stay. We once asked them to look after them while we went to a wedding abroad for a few days and when we came back they said they found it too tiring and they’d never do it again (my kids were the sweetest, easiest children and they were only about 70). They’ve never shown much interest in our kids which my husband finds hard and is sad because my parents have been dead since the kids were tiny. On the plus side it means I don’t feel very obligated to them now they’re getting older! We spend Xmas with friends which is just much better and more fun all round.

[Needcoffeenow]

The behaviour of relatives is often hard to fathom and it’s better not to fret about it. And anyway, you can’t make them want to stay with you. Like you we both worked full time. We didn’t see either set of grandparents after the children were tiny because they had all died. So we made it a positive by taking a few extra days off and going to a lovely part of Cornwall every Christmas, just as a family. Our children, now grown up, still talk about those Xmas holidays as some of the happiest family times ever. Of course we had no grandparents to help look after them but neither did we have to cater for others. One Christmas lunch consisted of ham, jacket potatoes and a gingerbread house because we mis-timed the Xmas shopping trip! Our children recently suggested doing it again one Christmas.

[kolaprime]

Sorry to be blunt, but if this is how they choose to behave, they're unlikely to change. What can be changed is how you react to this situation. You have power over that.

Also, it's worth remembering that grandparents don't have the energy we assume them to have. This is their retirement and looking after our offspring outside of their comfort zone isn't as appealing as we think it is.

[Torcat]

Do you ever go and stay with your in-laws in Ireland? Maybe you, or preferably your husband, could suggest that to them and start to build the relationship that way. You are lucky, in a way, that they are not inviting themselves to stay with you for weeks over Christmas! Lots of people would envy that.

[Commonality]

Thank you all - OP here - I can’t seem to get my log in name to reappear! I really appreciate all your perspectives. It’s helpful even just to set my mind to recalibrating how I think about it all but also I like the ideas about building on other trips to them or shared trips elsewhere - we try to get to Ireland every summer which is yes a less pressured season! My parents sadly are far more absent than this for various reasons, health and mental health. Probably a factor in my emotional response here. My husband is also thinking about how to ask them about it, just to get their perspectives more than anything else now. I feel I’ve climbed down a lot from a feeling of being hard done by when I first posted. But it would be useful I think to consider more of their point of view. In case there’s anything we’re missing. I really appreciate all of this input, thank you.