Seeking Advice on Balancing Family Expectations and Personal Life Post Reply

[Familydinners]

Hi everyone,

I was hoping to get some advice or perspective on a situation I’m dealing with as I prepare to marry my fiancée (27F).

I Googled this issue and a previous post about a mother feeling like she was losing her son to another family came up, and while my situation is different, I feel like I might be on the flipside of something similar.

A bit of background: I’m (30M) engaged, and while I love my fiancée and her family, I’m finding their approach to family gatherings overwhelming. They organise so many events, and it feels like every single one is mandatory.

In just the past six weeks, I’ve been asked to put the following in my diary:

- My future father-in-law’s birthday dinner
- My future mother-in-law’s birthday dinner
- A dinner marking the anniversary of my MIL’s father’s passing
- A celebration of the independence day of their home country (they’re first-generation immigrants)
- Her brother’s birthday
- Her nephew’s 1st birthday

I genuinely enjoy their company, but when I explained that I couldn’t make two of these events due to prior plans, my fiancée told me it was expected that I’d adjust my schedule. These aren’t major milestone events (e.g., big birthdays), so I’m struggling to understand why missing a couple would be a big deal.

To give some context, my weekends are how I decompress after a busy work week. I enjoy playing padel, having a few beers with mates, and spending quality time with my fiancée. Now, with so many family commitments, it feels like I’m losing that downtime, and I’m worried about setting a precedent where this becomes the norm.

I don’t want to come across as antisocial or uninterested, but is this level of family involvement normal? How do I approach finding a balance without causing unnecessary tension?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated ,I’m genuinely trying to navigate this in the best way possible.

Thanks in advance!

[Adxgeo]

This is about boundaries. Put some in place on this issue and watch what happens - if the fallout is very negative you have a problem. You need to make time for yourself and that’s not unreasonable. I suspect your fiancé and/or her family is testing your level of commitment - perhaps on an unconscious level, but it’s there never the less. You need to nip this in the bud now and show them that you are committed but not at the cost to your own sense of autonomy and self. If they are good people they will respect that - even if disappointed. If it blows up and becomes an argument there’s an issue .

[Gina_Gee]

When you join another family there are always going to be gatherings which you are expected to attend, however, this does seem a little excessive IMO.  It's not so much the amount of social events but the fact that  your fiancé has told you that you are expected to attend them all when you have prior arrangements.  I would explain how you feel and that you would like to find a happy medium between committing to their family but not giving up what is important to you.  As you say, you don't want to set a precedent at this stage - and believe me, you really don't! 

If your fiancé and her family expect you to give things up to fit into all their plans, that is something you want to iron out now.  

I have been married for 16 years and have siblings who are married, collectively we have navigated a lot of these sorts of challenges.  My advice is to be completely honest and find a way to compromise and not made to feel like you need to give up the things you enjoy with your friends for the sake of her entire family.  Going forward perhaps agree that you won't make plans on the pre-arranged social events her family expect you both to attend.  That said, it also shouldn't be an issue if you can't ALWAYS be at some of the less important gatherings.

I agree with Adxgeo, this is about  boundaries and it's important to know now if setting your own is going to be an issue.

Honesty and good communication is key to making a marriage work so make sure you can navigate these challenges with that in mind.

Good luck!

[supergirl]

I absolutely agree with the two posters above. You really want to set up your boundaries now otherwise in 20yrs from now you ll be resentful.

But to show the other side of the coin - my family has more gathering than my husbands one - you have to understand (and it isnt easy i admit) which ones are important for her and which ones are important “politically”.

Let me explain. I was / or should I say I always felt like the ugly duckling in my family. So when I met my now husband 21yrs ago and started to be serious so going together at family gatherings came on the agenda, I felt finally secure and strong enough to held my own.
So my husband became my rock with which I could stand against.

So the conversation you really want to have with your fiancee is the one to understand what is the underlying issue. Maybe it makes it easier for her, maybe she wants an out and you need to help her or maybe you simply need to agree that you ll go the important ones and that sometimes she goes alone.

I have decided now we only attend the ones that I felt are important or that I felt would be fun. My sisters are sometimes upset I let them go alone (we re very good now no more ugly duckling!) so sometimes I do my bit for them but my husband may not go. I must say leaving abroad is so helpful I can always blame it on the cost of travelling .

Bottom line, time to have an honest conversation but one in which you really try to listen and be kind to each other.

Good luck

[Bagface]

It sounds like your fiancee is in a traditional family where communal gatherings are the norm for celebration of everything.
She follows the expectation as wants to please her family. Some cultures are patriarchal some matriarchal etc.

The list you give is excessive of course and personally I would be unable to cope with it! Too much face to face contact, a pressure on your time. What if you had a demanding job?

Agree with the others, set boundaries before marrying aswell, I'd say.
Presumably you have communicated what you said here, which is very understandable to the forum.

[Flowermummy]

This does seem a bit excessive.
As everyone says, now it’s the time to tactfully set boundaries. You won’t please everyone, but find a decent compromise.

Looking ay your list .. I’d say half of those events don’t really need you? For example, I’d make the mil , fil and brothers birthdays and skip the rest (though that’s not very nuanced, you need to understand what your fiancée views as most important).

I would also say that the negotiation is with your giancee, not with her family. She needs to understand where you stand and why and help you navigate. I.e I think it will be for her to explain why you can’t make the 1st bday of the nephew, rather than for you to call that family to explain.

In my family, both my husband and I understand that neither of us loves lots of events with the other persons family and we both try to make nice excuses for the other when events are really not needed (and to be fair, neither of us will go if too much ..)

Best of luck!

[Scottov]

if you can go, you should go.
if you have plans, then you can't go and shouldn't.

anything else and you're just going to end up in a circular doom loop that gets worse over time.