White at a wedding? Post Reply

[whiteatwedding]

Genuine question from a male who is in the middle of wedding melt-down hell.

My daughter is getting married and my wife, who does enjoy being the centre of attention and may, just may, be struggling with the symbolism of seeing our daughter take centre stage, is planning on wearing an outfit that our daughter swears is white.

My wife swears it's cream or ivory or something.

However I don't know if I'm missing something in terms of how big a deal this is but it's causing meltdown after meltdown and shouting and screaming matches.

I don't want to ask my male friends as this isn't really a topic of conversation that we normally have and I can't ask my wife's friends for obvious reasons hence why I'm posting here.

My questions are is it a big deal? If so is it such a big deal that my wife should change her outfit even if she is right and it isn't white but some people think it might be? Lastly, any advice for tactfully asking my wife to change outfits if it is a big deal.

Thank you and apologies if this isn't the sort of question you normally answer here.

[supergirl]

You re answer is in this paragraph “ My daughter is getting married and my wife, who does enjoy being the centre of attention and may, just may, be struggling with the symbolism of seeing our daughter take centre stage, is planning on wearing an outfit that our daughter swears is white.”

No it s not on for anyone other than the bride to wear white unless the bride has agreed (see Kate and William’s wedding).

Yes it is your daughter’s day NOT your wife’s, even though you both have a prominent function and role as parents of the bride.

Your wife has to listen to her daughter and respect her wishes. Any less and she could be accused of stealing her thunder at best and narcissism at worst.

Your role as the moderator is to remind your wife that: it s your daughter day, you re both proud of her and you ll be shining in HER background.

If she doesnt understand that, she is sorry to say a very selfish mother.

[whiteatwedding]

Thank you.

Would you mind if I showed her this response?

Although I would then have to show my comment about her and attention so might not be a good idea.

Thank you either way.

[coldatchristmas]

Graham Norton used to say that a bride's wedding day is the one day when everyone has to do what she wants!

Want the bridesmaids dressed as extras from Time Bandits - you got it.

Want a Dr Who themed cake from the really bad Sylvestor McCoy episodes - coming right up.

So if your wife won't go along with her daughter's wishes on her wedding day I think there is a pretty big issue with her priorities.

And yes, show her this.

[muddyboots]

Every sane woman fully knows NOT to wear any shade of white or ivory to a wedding. End of .

People go crazy at weddings, your wife is having her moment clearly. Your poor daughter, this is the last stress she needs.

Support your daughter in this and try to make your wife see sense.
She’s only making a fool of herself.
She can pick a lovely outfit in any other colour! And people will still look at her as the mother of the bride but it’s not her day and she needs to back off .

I would show her this chat and say how concerned you are and let her have a read … or forward the link .

[sconesplease]

I've never been to a wedding where anyone other the bride is in white,  the below from google sums it up. Your wife should be supporting your daughter, not upsetting her at this time, good luck!

No, it is generally not considered appropriate to wear white to a weddingas this color is traditionally reserved for the bride, so it's best to avoid it unless the couple explicitly states otherwise on the invitation or requests white attire for a themed wedding

[Mikeydon]

The age-old crisis of ‘is it cream, ivory, or secretly white? Let me ask you this: cast your mind back to your own wedding (assuming you survived it without any wardrobe-related casualties). Who wore white that day? Was it your mom, your aunt, or perhaps your wife? Now, with that memory fresh, kindly explain to your wife—delicately, of course—that she had her turn in the spotlight and it’s your daughter’s turn now. And if the difference between cream and white is still an issue, might I suggest putting the outfit under a UV light so we can finally settle this once and for all?”

[Stanka123]

It doesn’t even matter if it’s cream or ivory or white. Point is, your daughter WHO IS THE BRIDE disapproves of the outfit. There’s no need of further discussions. If your wife cares about relationship with her daughter, she picks a different dress and maybe also looks into therapy to work out why she has to be such a centre of attention at all times.

[Cheekyone]

Agree with the others your wife should definitely not wear white or cream. Just not done to upset the bride and not a great colour to choose. Which celeb is she copying ;)

But the point is more that the dynamic is all wrong and she needs to put her daughter first and take a step back on this occasion. Be cooperative not a prima donna .

A mother who competes with her daughter if she is doing this, is a very damaging dynamic psychologically and undignified.

A daughter wants to look up to their mother, emulate her and be proud of her. At the same time the mother needs to be sensitive to not to crush the daughters self-esteem or give rise to jealousies or other uncomfortable feelings.

Your wife should be generous to your daughters and go with her wishes here. Anything else is really undignified.
The vibe will show and backfire on your wife as I'm sure some people will notice!
Bride eclipsers :) are noticed at weddings unless really unintentional i think....and it won't be forgotten easily, recorded in photos for years to come.
Just wear a different colour, simples. Put power struggles aside!

[Whitewedding]

The responses from others have been pretty clear but I thought it may be worth adding this.

A wedding is a big deal for the whole family. It marks a fundamental shift in relationships and dynamics for you all across the next several decades of your life. My mother in law placed herself at the centre of this story for our wedding, and while it is no doubt a significant event for the entire family, it is important to step up, step back and take on a more supportive role. This is the way for your wife to truly shine.

If your daughter is lucky enough to have children, it will be a very long time before anything is about her again. She is also likely full of stress about the significance of this commitment and life change (never mind the logistical and political challenges that come with planning a wedding). I hope you and your wife take this opportunity to support your daughter. This is one of the times in her adult life when she really needs it.

Wishing you and your family all the best, and hope that you get to a place where you can all enjoy this special moment.

All the best!

[Guestagain]

If I saw anyone turn up at a wedding in white, cream, ivory, champagne or any other colour associated with the bride, when EVERY WOMAN ALIVE knows that is the ultimate no-no, I'd think they were mentally ill. Probably with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

In your daughter's shoes, I would absolutely leave your wife to do it. It will be long remembered in the minds of everyone, and your wife regarded as that awful woman who couldn't even bear her daughter to take centre stage at her own wedding. Anything your daughter ever tells anyone about how appalling her childhood was will be accepted without question - not least from the other, newer side of the family. It will be the ultimate proof of whatever she's been telling them.

I'm afraid I would start stepping up with your daughter, or you won't be seeing much of any grandchildren.