Challenging Stepdaughter - Advice Pls Post Reply

[Bibi2000]

Good Morning Everyone ,

I need some advice on how to manage an increasingly challenging issue . Its now causing frequent arguments between myself and my husband. I have had enough after 9 years of a certain behaviour pattern.

Overview - We are a blended family . My daughter ( 14yrs ) , my husband and I live together in London. My husband's daughter ( Also 14yrs old )  lives 2 hours away with her mother and her 2 step-siblings ( 8yrs + 10yrs ) 

SD visits every other weekend - although getting less frequent due to parties / friends etc . 

SD has always been quietly challenging ( Husband and I met when she was 5 ) and very sensitive. 
Example - she would ONLY eat certain foods , ONLY wear certain leggings as everything was too itchy. The sun used to be too Bright ( yes ) , grass too itchy . She didn't like loud noises or strangers. 
If my daughter had friends over - SD would shut herself away in her room and not interact unless forced ( which was quite sad ) . If we went out for lunch / dinner and the menu didn't have pizza or tomato pasta - she would sit with her back to the table or head on the table for the whole meal. 

So I stopped inviting my daughter's friends , we only bought food we knew SD would eat ( otherwise a tantrum would occur ) , we stopped going out to eat or doing anything as SD wouldn't be happy. We wanted her and my husband to have nice weekends together - no stress. 

She never screamed or shouted . But shutdown , stopped talking etc - so quite hard to challenge as very passive.
SD doesn't really seem to enjoy holidays with us.  After 3 days - she wants to go home . Which I understand as she spends a lot of time in her bedroom at home .. a complete homebird. But makes things very difficult as she mopes about, stops talking, stays in the bedroom -  making it VERY clear she has had enough.

When she comes into our house - she never says hello and just skulks about until I get up and go to her to make conversation. - Is that normal?? 

She feels much younger than my daughter - but I put that down to my D growing up in London  ( ?? ) She is quite hard to talk to now .. its all very awkward ( again is this normal teen??? ) 

I am getting so frustrated with having our lives revolve around SD's passive nature. I now dread her coming to visit as we do nothing. Literally nothing . She won't even walk anywhere !! If we do - she moans the whole time .. ' how long will we be ? and so on ' 

This weekend - I booked a lovely sunday lunch ( just for the 4 of us ) .. as we were leaving the house. SD claimed she felt sick and wanted to go home. My husband believed her and took her - so he was gone for the day ( 4 hr round trip ) . My daughter and myself went for lunch on our own. I was fuming. 

I think SD has level 1 autism ( Aspergers ) as she cannot deal with anything new , huge social anxiety , hates textures and noises. BUT its hard to tell what is normal teenage behaviour and what isn't.

SD is VERY different to my Daughter and all her friends - but that doesn't mean its unusual . 

I mentioned this to my husband . He was FURIOUS ! Said she is just lazy , quite shy and has no confidence ..

My own daughter have given up making an effort and just goes out when SD is coming - and now I am starting to do the same as its excrutiatingly boring. 

Its starting to split up the family . I swing between feeling sorry for her and feeling angry as I think she is manipulating everyone. 

HELP .. any advice really welcome . 

xxx






 

[coldatchristmas]

I think SD has level 1 autism ( Aspergers ) as she cannot deal with anything new , huge social anxiety , hates textures and noises. BUT its hard to tell what is normal teenage behaviour and what isn't.

I think you may very well be right here. The bright light aversion can be a sign and certainly made me think this could be the case.

You're on really tricky ground here, as any diagnosis obviously takes time and medical professionals and this is extra hard when you're not in the same house.

Two questions:

1. have you discussed this possibility with your partner?
2. is there any of this is the rest of the family?

I have a good friend who went through something similar, his words when we discussed this were "I'd be really surprised, we have no history of this in the family."

My reply was "you work in data analysis for a hedge fund, your wife is a tax accountant I think that might be a leading indicator."

I'm being slightly flippant, and he is a good friend, but sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

My main advice, get professional help asap so you know what you're dealing with.

Good luck.

[Asd2025]

I am a parent of a child with ASD and your suspicions sound on point but it is for the child/parents to look into that.

Actually I think you need to read round a lot on ASD and challenge your own way of thinking. You can only change your own behaviour not anyone else’s so focussing on trying to get SD to do things you think are “lovely” probably won’t help.

With my own ASD child we have come to realise that what we like doing as parents and what they like doing are different things. So your “lovely lunch” out sounds lovely to you but could be a total nightmare for your stepdaughter. She isn’t fitting into the box of what you think she should do (be social, go out) etc and that is an issue with how you are thinking about it not her. So she seems “challenging” as she doesn’t fit into the normal teenager box….

Of course ASD is no excuse for not being polite etc

And even if she then is diagnosed, that will just bring you a greater understanding of her needs nothing will change in what you described above apart from you having a greater understanding of her.

Of course she may not be autistic but even if not that isn’t going to change anything for her or you

[Bibi2000]

 

Thank you !  - both really helpful. I feel less alone  

I think you are right ASD2025 .. what we think are fun / lovely .. might not be the same for SD . I also thought this.. but other times she is happy to go for lunch if its somewhere she knows well or not far from the house. 

If we ask SD , what she would like to do .. she says she doesn't know.

I know SD would hate to go to loud places - so we avoid anything like that , BUT then she doesn't mind shopping in town / westfield... so I am a bit confused. 

My sister has autism + ADHD .. ( couldn't come to my wedding as couldn't handle the thought of it )
So I know the feelings of coping wax and wane . i.e. Sometimes my sister can manage the public / strangers - sometimes she can't . It changes day to day. I think it varies hugely person to person. 

All I would like - is for us all to be a family together and do things at weekends - not just sit inside all day. 

Maybe I am hoping for too much ?? Not sure anymore ..  

Just feel torn - IF SD is not neurodivergent .. then what is going on?  



 

[Bibi2000]

I am a parent of a child with ASD and your suspicions sound on point but it is for the child/parents to look into that.

Actually I think you need to read round a lot on ASD and challenge your own way of thinking. You can only change your own behaviour not anyone else’s so focussing on trying to get SD to do things you think are “lovely” probably won’t help.

With my own ASD child we have come to realise that what we like doing as parents and what they like doing are different things. So your “lovely lunch” out sounds lovely to you but could be a total nightmare for your stepdaughter. She isn’t fitting into the box of what you think she should do (be social, go out) etc and that is an issue with how you are thinking about it not her. So she seems “challenging” as she doesn’t fit into the normal teenager box….

Of course ASD is no excuse for not being polite etc

And even if she then is diagnosed, that will just bring you a greater understanding of her needs nothing will change in what you described above apart from you having a greater understanding of her.

Of course she may not be autistic but even if not that isn’t going to change anything for her or you

Do you have any recommendations on where I could read up on ASD?  - for real insight . I find googling things not very accurate and can be misleading . I really want to make this work for everyone .. I am happy to change expectations .. I just need to understand it on a deeper level .

 

[Mac]

My child is autistic with ADHD. Both come with a lot of anxiety. I do not believe your step-daughter is being difficult, but is probably undiagnosed with both. And I agree with ASD2025.

 I think it is great you are looking for assistance, two good books are: 

Dr Luke Beardon Autism & Asperger Syndrome in Children (2009) for parents of newly diagnosed. (Also Asperger’s is no longer used as it now falls under ASD)

Linda K. Murphy, MS, CCC-SLP, Declarative Language Handbook: Using a thoughtful language style to help Kids with Social Learning Challenges Feel Competent, Connected and Understood,2020.

Re: language, do you refer to your step-daughter “visiting” to her and your other children? It may help if you use phrases like “coming to your other house” to make her feel more comfortable. One thing I have noticed with my child, and learned after taking classes in autism, is some autistic people are acutely aware and sensitive of others’ feelings. Some also prefer to know clear boundaries and expectations. So if your stepdaughter is like that, she may feel very uncomfortable coming to start with. 

[CoachGiuliaGalli]

Hello,

I’m a Parental Coach, and I often support step-parents navigating similar challenges.

The key thing to remember is that we can only work on ourselves—how we think, how we respond, and how we show up in the relationship. We cannot change someone else, but we can encourage and influence through intentional choices.

It’s common for step-parents to feel like they’re in a secondary role, hesitant to step in too much for fear of being seen as trying to replace the parent. Others lean towards building a friendship instead. But the reality is that children, especially teenagers, need clear boundaries. They feel safest when they know the adults in their lives are calmly and confidently in charge—not in an authoritarian way, but in a way that provides stability.

Setting and maintaining clear rules in your home is important for creating structure, expectations, and open communication. The suggestion of focusing on what she enjoys is valuable—creating a safe space for communication where she feels heard without immediate judgment or attempts to fix things can make a real difference.

Regardless of potential neurodivergence, adolescence is already a complex stage. Adding in the dynamics of a blended family can make it even more overwhelming for her. That’s why open, mature conversations between the adults involved are crucial. Aligning on a consistent approach—having a few key rules that are firmly and fairly enforced in both homes—can create a sense of stability.

At the same time, it’s important to give her the space she needs while maintaining a strong, reassuring presence. You don’t need to force a connection, but by being consistently available and leading with understanding, you create the conditions for trust to grow.

Let me know if you’d like to discuss this further—I’d be happy to help.

[GuestAgain]

So sorry, I managed to start a new thread by mistake! Not very familiar with Nappy Valley's posting system.

I said:

Both mine are autistic and this screams it. Absolutely screams it. The sensory issues alone are classic. Young for age, socially anxious, "awkward..." it's all textbook.

She needs assessment by a good ed psych, SLT and OT, and those are more important than diagnosis because they actually determine what the child's needs really are - a diagnosis doesn't.

In London, for a child with this profile and age, I would want Melinda Eriksen for OT, Dr Jemma Levy for ed psych, and Helen Pearson for SLT. If ADHD is possibly in the frame, Dr Maite Ferrin is your woman. She can diagnose autism, too, but ADHD (including inattentive subtype, which is ADD) responds well to medication, so that is actually more helpful.

I appreciate this is tough on all of you, but this girl has been failed by her parents if they had all these signs and didn't address it. She's not broken, she just has a different neurotype and trying to hammer a round peg into a square hole, then being puzzled that this does nothing but damage the peg, fails her.

Part of being an adult, and especially a parent, is looking difficult truths in the face and then taking the steps the child needs you to take in order to help them. And it is so, so essential that people understand what is going on with her if she is to be helped. Bluntly, you need that too - an unsupported autistic child or young person is a total PITA, love them as you may. And I'm not a step-parent.

[GuestAgain]

Incidentally, you sound lovely and very understanding. She's been lucky in her step-mum.

As you say, autism and sensory responses alter all the time - and a lot is around control, and being able to leave. So shopping in a large open space may well be easier than a crowded restaurant, especially if she's chosen the shopping and is highly motivated by it. It's a moving target, sensory needs and also autism as it is so mediated by anxiety levels.

Please don't accept parenting advice from anyone who isn't expert in autism. The rules don't apply in the same way and can even be counter productive - if she's eg got a PDA profile then imposing rules actually massively amps up the anxiety, and responding intuitively can be better.

One of the hardest things about autism is the standard methods do not necessarily apply. This can be horrendous in mainstream schools, especially. Autism courses teach things like "iceberg analysis" and "backward chaining" where you try to work out what is really going on for someone who may, due to alexithyma and/or interoceptive deficits, not necessarily know themselves without support.

It's complicated, and again, assessment so everyone knows what is happening for this young girl is key, IMO.

[Cheekyone]

Agree it should be SD own parents to have her assessed (or not|)
She does show features of ASD as you describe things and some oppositional behaviour.

I don't know your own make-up, some find it hard not to 'absorb' the mood of others, and I would encourage you not to do this (if you are) as people with autism can sense peoples dislike and disapproval more than you think.Often they have been ostracised for being different, or often bullied.
It might be a high level of anxiety, social anxiety, overload, also OCD is more frequent in ASD. etc
You need a lot of empathy, calm, uncritical manner. Not easy.

Recently I have been out where a mother is dealing with an 'apparently naughty and irritating' child.
As people start to look up the mother has felt obliged to announce 'my child has autism' to people nearby. In one incident the mother was doing a great job of getting the small boy to calm down, with a breathing exercise and distracting him on their journey with an iPad. Again 'my son has autism' she said.

If meals out aren't fun, don't do them with her. If she wants to be in control and have alone-time and to stay in her room a bit, it might be different to your daughter but not worse/sad/unhappy for that her.
Hard, but you might need to re-adjust your expectations here. I imagine it has been difficult for own mother too diagnosed or not.