How do you keep your children grounded? Post Reply

[Humbkekids]

Hello,
I'd like some advice about how other Nappy Valley parents might keep their children grounded?

I'm not looking to get into a debate as to whether or not children around SW London are spoiled, some will be and some won't definitely won't be, but I'm talking about my personal experience which is a typical "Nappy Valley" lifestyle with kids at private schools, skiing holiday and houses that cost seven figures.

I've been thinking a lot about how my children behaved over Christmas, when we went to visit relatives outside the capital, and whilst I think they were pretty good, on the whole, there were touches of entitlement creeping in.

Don't get me wrong, we're not wealthy or spending summers in villas in the South of France and winters in Aspen, but we do have a bit of cash.

I think my concern comes from two areas.

Firstly, are we setting them up for a lifestyle that they cannot afford in future and so they will judge themselves failures if they can't provide it for themselves?

But more importantly, how do I stop turning them into spoiled little shits?

The "ah ha" moment for me was an exchange about birthday parties. My nephew was delighted that his parents took their whole class to some LaserQuest type thing for his birthday.

When he asked my son what he was doing he said that he was having a joint party in **** with a bunch of friends who had birthdays around the same time.

When asked why they were going there my son explained that his best mate had a house and boat there and they were taking ten friends to spend part of half-term "adventuring".

If I looked at this as an observer I saw a spoilt little kid boasting about his friends second home. He wasn't doing it deliberately, he was jealous of LaserQuest, but it grated.

Would love to hear if others think this is an issue and how to deal with it? I know I worked hard to get where I am so I know this is of my own making, but even still...

Thanks.

[ACA]

Firstly, I think it is really great that you are mindful of that and making an effort to ensure your children aren’t being spoiled. I don’t think every parent (or even the majority) would be so hyper aware and of it.
I don’t think you should be too concerned about the consequences particular incident with your child and his cousin. It sounded very innocent and unintended. My children are still quite young but we try and make an effort to explain to them that we work hard so that they can have toys, food etc. We had an incident around Christmas where my son didn’t like a toy he was given. I explained to him that he should be very lucky to receive a toy like that and that many children wouldn’t get such a nice toy and would love to have his toy. I then offered to give it to another child and he quickly swallowed his words! I think it is just about keeping them firmly on the ground in instances like this. If you do that, then you’ve done your job as parent. If your child is old enough, then you can also start talking about the sensitivities of how something may come across to others. So talking to them about the holiday home/boat and how that may be something that they should be more sensitive mentioning outside their friendship group who are invited (I,e, to some it could be perceived as out of touch and to others it may make them feel left out if they are also at school with your child). Although I really wouldn’t stress about it - you being super aware of the situation will keep them inadvertently keep them grounded.

[ACA]

Sorry for all the typos!

[Janet14]

I’m always so conscious of this. I can’t talk across the board but a few things I stick to/think help:
- I would avoid ever taking my kids on business class on a flight and in fact we have some upgrade vouchers and are flying in a separate cabin to them (they’re old enough we can do that) - I think getting them used to business class is a sure fire way for them to be disappointed later in life!!!
- our holidays are very much focussed on travel and experiencing a place rather than the hotel itself. Sometimes we may stay in a five star, sometimes we may stay in a hostel!! We have had all sorts of adventures in all ranges of accommodation and loved (most of) them all
- I am very honest with our kids about having to watch our finances (we have cash but money still doesn’t grown on trees!). An example yesterday one wanted take away pizza. I pointed out it’s the same price as a third of our weekly shop and he quickly stoppped asking
- any expensive item of clothing they have to save up for/contribute to themselves
They are incredibly lucky kids but also very conscious of what things cost and they are aware there will always be people who have more and people who will have less.
Later in life we have a flat in London and I plan to make them pay rent to live there (admittedly will put this towards a deposit for a place but still….)
Not sure if that helps!

[jickjax100]

Firstly being aware is so important. From what you say it sounds like you didn’t have this upbringing which is a huge positive in navigating privilege.
My 3 adult children had a similar upbringing to your children. I did not which made me very aware.
I always explained to them how lucky they were and tried not to spoil them excessively.
Their private schools were good and quite mixed. Some of the children uber wealthy but lots had two very hard working parents who put all their money into their education, forgoing holidays etc and others on bursary’s and scholarships. So they could see they were part of a bigger picture. The schools did charity things where they would give to those less fortunate so that was helpful too. Every year they did ‘love in a box’ where they filled a shoebox with treats and presents for children who wouldn’t get a Christmas present. Things like that made them realise from an early age they were lucky
I think talking about it. Not making them feel guilty but saying this is one way to grow up which less than 10% of people have is important. Making them do chores and contribute to family life etc. watching the news and letting them see the world as a whole is good when they are old enough.
My three, are kind and balanced. My eldest went to uni at Exeter and was delighted when the group he was friendly with said he didn’t seem very private school!
Your awareness is everything. The comment he made to his cousin was maybe alarming to you but really was nothing in the grand scheme of things and his cousin would have thought nothing of it. He is happy to be off to laser quest.

[eschwalger]

Telling kids they are lucky can be problematic because it reinforces the idea that they are inherently more special or deserving than others. This can undermine the concept of being grounded, as it shifts the focus away from gratitude and effort toward a sense of entitlement.

Anyone can have nice things and enjoy elaborate experiences while still practicing gratitude and humility. The issue arises when we create a divide—us versus them, your kids versus the less fortunate. This mindset fosters entitlement rather than connection. Children should see themselves as equals among their peers, regardless of material differences. Telling a child, “You’re lucky,” in contrast to others who have less, reinforces a harmful notion of superiority rather than encouraging empathy and a sense of shared humanity.

[supergirl]

I agree with the 2 posters above.

To add something we do as well is to explain the true cost of things, how much one must earned to be able to afford what they have.
They know how much we need to earn so we cab pay their private (including the vat now) education, or when travel and our holidays.

I also showed them before christmas how much we paid on bloody deliveroo and uber eats which went completety out of hand so reigning it in now and what we could have bought instead of being lazy.

But i think the most important to model and tell them about hard work.
I grew up very middle class so was my husband, but it wasnt a wealthy lifestyle. Hard working parents, generations of valuing education and making a lofe for oneself.
Thats really important i think

[Kirstie’s Mom]

I think the best way is by just being a parent and saying the word No . I grew up in a very wealthy community : boarding schools, summer homes , holidays in exotic locations - my parents made sure I knew the value of money : I had a job when I was 16 during the summers , I had chores from the age of 8 , I was not given presents outside of birthdays and Christmas and my parents sat me down and explained when I was being entitled . I did the same with my child . She’s turned out pretty good . Just be there and once in a while realize they might not like you for a bit .

[Kirstie’s Mom]

I think the best way is by just being a parent and saying the word No . I grew up in a very wealthy community : boarding schools, summer homes , holidays in exotic locations - my parents made sure I knew the value of money : I had a job when I was 16 during the summers , I had chores from the age of 8 , I was not given presents outside of birthdays and Christmas and my parents sat me down and explained when I was being entitled . I did the same with my child . She’s turned out pretty good . Just be there and once in a while realize they might not like you for a bit .

[MyParentingSolutions]

I think this is such a great question and really understand why you are concerned about it.

I'm the founder of My Parenting Solutions and a mum of 4 grown up kids and like you, really tried to raise them grounded which I honestly thing worked! (not wanting to brag!)
I agree with lots of what has been said already 
Teaching kids the value of money and saying 'No' to many of their requests.
Always describing people for why we like them,  never about what they have.
Kids absorb our values so if we never model a sense of entitlement, they will pick up on that.

I have a podcast episode from my podcast Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries-
6 Secrets to Raising Appreciative Kids which you might like to listen to.
In it I'm interviewing a lovely Canadian woman, Nicole Thomson who has written a book Little Things: Finding Gratitude in Life's Simple Moments

Do have a listen and please rate and review the podcast!  Here's a link to listen to it and pick your favourite podcast platform:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2372701/episodes/16246948

[Cheekyone]

Spoilt is a strong word , in my opinion and not necessarily connected with wealth.

A child from a poor background could be spoilt, or one where the parents are divorced and regular 'treats' are a thing.

Explaining how things work financially, without being overbearing goes a long way.
Delivery food more than once a week, not great.

Teach your children to show gratitude. They need resilience and self reliance if their own adult lives don't pan out the same and they have lower means.
Don't give unnecessarily lavish presents.. An appreciation of exploring is great, the conversation you heard i wouldnt worry about as theyd probably be happy in a tent anyway.

[Gina_Gee]

As others have said, being aware of it will make a difference.

Niether myself nor my husband come from 'family money' and everything we have is self-earned.  So our kids know that what we are able to provide them with comes from a good education (this doesn't necessarily need to be private btw, it means take school seriously and do your best) and hard work. On the whole, we provide what they 'need' and anything they 'want' they get for birthday/christmas presents or buy with their own money.  They get pocket money but are expected to help a little around the house and keep a tidy room (when this doesn't happen their pocket money is paused).

Our eldest son started working on summer sports camps when he was 14 - he earned very little obviously but did a good job and they keep asking him back, now he is 16 and has some work experience behind him to find something else for the summer. Having them learn about the value of money will keep them grounded so all our kids will be encouraged to do a bit of work as soon as they can (this also helps during those early teenage years when the kids are a little too old for holiday camps to keep them occupied over the long summer breaks).

As mentioned by a previous poster, our school also get involved with community and charity work so that is something you could do with them too if not on offer at school.  Being aware of what goes on in a world with no privilege will teach kids empathy and make them appreciate and be grateful for what they have.

[Humbkekids]

I did not expect so many replies , thank you.

I'll read them all carefully. Thank you.

I'll also let you know how I decide to keep them grounded.

Thank you.

[Bookymummy]

What a lovely, thoughtful reply.
I agree so much that telling children they are ‘so lucky’ can have completely deleterious effects. I also think it tends to make the assumption, as kinda came across from the OP, that material wealth is ‘privilege’. Whilst nice to have, I’m not convinced any material wealth is ‘privilege’ at all.
For a start, material ‘privilege’ is very relative. Your kids may well ‘have it all’ in your estimation, but there is always someone wealthier, no matter how rich you are. So maybe you’re not as ‘lucky’ as you think.
Secondly, and more importantly, the ‘wealthier echelons’ of our community including private schools, are just as prone to the social problems & angst that are often associated with ‘poverty’, such as drugs, stress, depression, eating disorders, anxiety etc. Telling a teen struggling with any of these issues that they’re ‘privileged’ because they have holidays, or a nice phone, is probably pretty pointless. Whilst on the other hand, a ‘poor’ child with a good social support network and loving, committed, capable parents may bypass all of these dramas. How ‘privileged’ is a fancy holiday in this context?
Real privilege is way more than ‘things’ and, in fact, the OPs children are ‘lucky’ in having a parent caring and loving enough to worry about such situations.
Real privilege is having a solid, reliable, capable parent, committed to doing their best for you, even if it inconveniences them. Think how many kids don’t have that, even ‘rich’ ones, even aristocratic ones, if biographies are anything to go by.
Even better, there’s the incredible privilege of having two parents who do that. Many kids including ‘rich, privileged’ ones don’t have that for many reasons. Then there’s the wider family & social support network, think how many kids don’t have any of that.
I would hazard a guess that there are quite a few ‘wealthy’ Nappy Valley kids, who would more than happily swap places with ‘less privileged’ kids if happiness, psychological security and self-worth were the metrics rather than ski holidays & mobile phones.

[aimes]

Just to add some other suggestions to the mix… I think service-giving/creating value for the community is a good way to do this… e.g.
- Join a litter-picking group
- Help out with a local charity/food bank (I am keen for my kids to help out with a homeless charity but struggling to find one that will let a 9 & 11 y/o help… so let me know if you find one!)
- Sponsor a child (long-term commitment of c£20/mth but many orgs allow you to exchange letters with the child you are helping, so your kids can have a sense of the impact. They could also contribute some of their pocket money to this)