what to do when you find out your boss is having an affair Post Reply

[samina40]

I've been nannying 16 years, I only had one situation working for a family where the father of the family had an affair. It did not effect my work, because he did not bring his girlfriend home. I am currently working for a family, its been a year already, the children are young 2 and 5 years old. The mother is not really a mother type, luckily the father cares and puts effort in bringing up his kids. both parents are succesful at work, they live in a big house and everything seems ok. the mother has this boyfriend type ,she spends most of her free time with him, he comes and goes and spends time with the family too as he is a family friend. Until she kept him for the night as well when the father was abroad. I didn't know who she spent the night with, it was pretty much a shock for me, but she had a cheek to bring him next day as well, so it wasnt just one night this has been already going on between them. she is really obsessed about him, cooks for him etc, he never stayed for the night before, I guess they must have met in his home. the funny thing is she told me that he has a girlfriend who is pregnant! what a mess! and he came next day with a big smile and everybody pretended nothing has happened! the kids know him and the father knows him as well, he is a friend of the family , so they don't need to hide. the mother comes sometimes home really late 3-4am, but if her husband does not mind, I don't really care. I felt embarassed and I don't know how to act after their night together, I guess it is a part of the job!
who is more guiltier the married woman and the guy whose girlfriend is pregnant! I just can't work it out, I guess nothing will change anyway, she doesn't mind and the father will not believe that anyway, he is just too nice and sort of 'donkey.
thanks for reading this and I am just curious in case someone will reply.

[fulhammum]

I appreciate how awkward the situation is that you find yourself in. However I think that it's unfortunate in your post that you refer to your bosses in such disrespectful ways. Saying that the mother is not really a mother type and that the father is a donkey, I personally think is quite disrespectful and unhelpful. Relationships and parenting are difficult.
Affairs are rarely straightforward premeditated things and they can be deeply damaging and have life long lasting repercussions. It sounds like the mother of the children that you look after is deeply damaged and unhappy if she is indeed finding it difficult to bond with her children and husband and is having an affair with a family friend. I think that instead of judging perhaps offering support to the whole family is a better way to approach this as it seems that they will all need support in the future as this mess unfolds. At the end of the day the children are innocent and you can be a very important constant loving figure for them during difficult times in the future. It is a very sad situation and I wish all of you all the best in the future.

[supergirl]

As much as you find the situation uncomfortable it has nothing to do with you and is none of your business. Stop judging instead concentrate on the children. They need you more than anything. As the previous poster said, when it will unfold (and it will sooner or later), your constance, support and your love for them will help a great deal.

[juliantenniscoach]

You never know what goes on behind closed doors. Unless you're directly asked or your work situation is compromised I would steer well clear.

[Nannywandsworth]

For the nanny, good luck. What a horrid situation and I can only imagine how awkward it is. Can not imagine that the work environment is in anyway pleasant

To those with rude opinions-would you be so quick to say what you think if it was a mothers post regarding a nanny...........

[ckwmum]

Not sure I understand the last comment. A mother's post regarding a nanny? Surely that's even less of anyone's business? Unless you mean the nanny is having an affair with the husband? In which case...why would the mother be posting about that? Confused.

I don't think anyone was really being rude, it's just a bit of an odd situation all round and hard to gauge what you'd do in another person's shoes.

[Loretta]

Hi !

Unfortunately, you can't do/say anything as it has nothing to do with you !
I agree with the previous nanny, it has to be a horrible situation and I have no idea of what I would do ... Keep doing your job as normal !

[MrsParsnips]

Hi, I agree, I have been in this position many years ago. Unless it affects the children there is no reason why it should affect you, as a nanny you go and do your job, taking care of the children is why you are there after all not to question what goes on in their private life. My advice would be to just be aware of any behavourial changes in the children and support and care for them, they are your priority. If the time is right your emploers make talk to you about any changes in their homelife if it will affect your job but the previous posters are right, its best to keep out of it

[samina40]

thanks for your comments, some of you made me laugh, really, feeling sorry for the mother who does not put any effort into her kids at all! luckily the father does at least! why should always just a nanny give most of the love for the kids, its only a job! you don't love your friends kids do you? I guess in this country perhaps pets get more attention than the kids!

[tooshy]

I don't often comment here but I feel I must step in.

The nanny is asking for advice. She has described the situation and the characters involved, as she should do, in order to ask advice.

"It is none of her business" some of you have said.

Ok, so what does she do when the children say that "Uncle X" stayed over last night and he sits her down and says "did my wife have another man in her room last night. Yes or no?"

How does she cope with that?

All she has done is to come onto a forum and ask for help and the replies, to be honest, have been aggressive!

Should she lie? Should she tell the children to lie? What should she do?

She has been put in an IMPOSSIBLE situation by her boss, who is an adulteress, and is passively forcing her to lie.

So before we tell her to "mind her own business" I suggest we pause to reflect how we would feel if our "bosses" were lying to each other and we were stuck in the middle.

Frankly, dear nanny, I feel sorry for you and I think some of these aggressive mums are projecting anger at the fact their husbands are "straying" on the nanny caught in the middle.

[samina40]

thanks for your 'down to eart'h comment,tooshy! I was just really curious about other people's opinion, to be honest. Yes, I am covering my boss, she even talks to me now more and not ignoring me etc and leaving me presents! whatever! she is not having an affair because of a bad marriage or unhappiness, she is just obsessed about the other guy, a poor musician, who sleeps with others too and on the top of it his girlfriend is pregnant, my boss said! its because of dirty sex, I am sorry to say! Well, I don't care , it is not my business I just wrote this article to see if it is a common thing! thanks for reading all of you and replying! life goes on!

[supergirl]

"and I think some of these aggressive mums are projecting anger at the fact their husbands are "straying" on the nanny caught in the middle."



Talk about being aggressive

[tooshy]

Maybe you are right and I apologise if that is the case.

However I feel there has been an attitude of "shoot the messenger".

A friend of mine is a PA at a large bank. Her boss, an MD, is having an affair and expects her to lie and juggle calls so that his mistress and wife don't find out that he has been away for dinners and events with the other.

All of her friends are appalled at him putting her in this situation and talk about the PA's rights, how it is abusive to her, how she should feel aggrieved and sue etc

I just thought it very telling that the mothers on here seemed more concerned with the nanny "minding her own business" as opposed to empathy for the awful situation she has been put in by another mother.

[hjm]

Samina40, you come on to this forum asking mums for advice and then make the statement "I guess in this country perhaps pets get more attention than the kids!". What a ridicuous thing to say! Do you really think anyone is going to take time out to offer you advice when you make such rude and sweeping comments?

[twice_as_nice]

I really don't think that we need to make this into yet another 'nanny versus mummies' debate....really, the majority of us, mums or nannies are all doing our best for the children in our care.

I would defend the original poster - it must be horrible to be put in that situation and I can see why she might seek advice.....but subsequent posts do make quite strange points 'you don't love your friends kids do you?'....well, yes, I do love my close friends children of course! not the same way as I love my children but what a strange comment! (plus the pets comment) )

this makes me wonder whether the original poster really wanted views or wanted to spark a debate / mud slinging with subsequent comments. Let's not rise to it!!!