What to do with my cheating husband? Post Reply

[What_to_do]

​My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have always had a very strong relationship. By that I mean we are very much in love, are a great team and aside from the normal little niggles that would come into a relationship with the chaos of bringing up a family (we have 3 boys now between 15-10) we are very happy!

The one thing that has lacked in our marriage is regular sex (only really a problem for him and not for me!). I've just never been a person who wants or needs it often and lack of it has never bothered me much. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy it when we are intimate but it's hard to find the time (I tend to always go to bed much earlier than him).  I'm very aware that intimacy is an important part of a relationship and very in tune with the fact that when we aren't for a while there is a distance created which is always resolved by bringing it back.

I recently found out that he has cheated on me! Once a few years ago and again last year. His reasoning (although he is not trying to justify it) is that he just needed to have sex - a cliché I know!  But if I'm honest it's always been at the back of my mind that if he is not getting it at home he will find it elsewhere. We have always been very honest with each other and when things have been  bothering us we have been really good at being able to talk through it. So I obviously just wish he had told me how he was feeling before he went looking for it elsewhere. Just to add here that he is full of shame and remorse for all of this.

My immediate reaction of I'll leave him is not so straight forward! I love him dearly and this would absolutely destroy our boys, we have a very close family unit and breaking up our family is just not something I want to do to them.

However, I am not sure how I can get past this iether.  I think going to couples counseling might be a good idea as I'm aware that ironing out my own issues with intimacy is probably necessary and there are other things that have created problems in our relationship too (ie. I have an issue with the amount he drinks but that's  a different story).

If anyone has been through anything like this and has any advice I would really appreciate it.  I can't bring myself to speak to anyone I know - I guess partly the shame of it all and also somewhere deep down I feel like if we get through this I don't really want anyone knowing about it.

Also if anyone can recommend a therapist for us to see if that is the route we choose to take, I would appreciate that.

Thank you for reading and please don't reply if the only advice it just to leave him (I get that would be what most people think - probably even my own advice to a friend but it's just not that simple!).

Many thanks!

[CyclingLondon]

So sorry you're in this situation.

I think the first thing you both need to decide if what you want to have happen?

I know that sounds obvious but it's really important. I have friends who have experienced infidelity but they fundamentally decided they wanted to save their marriage so after lots and lots of therapy etc they did manage to.

I have other friends who have split up quite quickly after such events because they just decided they didn't want the marriage to work - it was too far broken.

I also have a third lot of friends, and I promise all of these are direct contacts not friends-of-friends where the husband was a serial cheater but she kept forgiving him and taking him back and as he now approaches his sixties his desire to cheat is falling away and to all intents and purposes they have the perfect marriage.

For some reason I found this third set the saddest.

All of my friends, whether they fixed the relationship or not, said it was the lying that hurt most so its really really important to set some ground rules in terms of truth and honesty.

A good therapist will help you do this.

Good luck - whatever you decide.
 

[AbbevilleMummy]

I haven’t been in your situation but I can certainly empathise with you not wanting to end your marriage. I have been with my husband forever and if an infidelity was a one-off, I don’t think I’d want to end everything either (a full blown affair would be a different story).

If I were you I’d probably have individual therapy first. There’s an awful lot to get your head around and you may find it useful to speak about your feelings and get your head a bit straighter without him there to begin with.

Good luck to you. I hope you can work things out.

[Janet14]

I can’t necessarily give advice but I can say that having a father who was never faithful funnily enough I don’t place as much emphasis on fidelity as others might. Don’t get me wrong, I would never cheat on my husband but remember that fidelity isn’t the only vow we make when we get married, the others should be as equally important and I think we lose sight of that and place all emphasis on fidelity. The important thing to remember here is he was probably just seeking out sex, not a relationship. At various times in history this has been quite normal for men to seek out sexual pleasure elsewhere but come home to their partner in life. Even in our parents generation I believe this was more accepted than it is now. In the modern day we have created a new norm where it is never considered acceptable but also creating the difficult scenario (which is HUGELY common) where one partner desires sex more than the other. I even learnt in my degree that it is more natural for a man to ‘spread his seed’ whereas a woman has a finite number of eggs so is more likely to want to protect and nest. I’m talking purely from a scientific basis that I was taught here, not handing out green cards!!! Just saying it’s not as black and white as people think, modern marriage can be very hard and I absolutely believe your marriage and family unit is worth more than breaking up over a purely physical act. Good luck with it all xxx

[Probate solicitor]

A wise old matrimonial solicitor once said to me that adultery was not the worst thing that could happen to a marriage. I was too busy pondering this to ask her what was.

[Kittens77]

First of all, sending you a big hug. If you both love each other and want to make this work, then do not leave your husband. If he is remorseful and sorry, and you have 3 lovely boys together then you have a lot worth working on. Definitely go to couples therapy, and please try to find someone who has a lot of experience with intimacy / psychosexual relationships as I completely believe you can improve your intimate love life and have a wonderfully fulfilling sexual relationship. Your boys are getting older, you have done the hardest part… therapy will help you invest in yourselves both as a couple and as individuals. If after a few sessions you’re not sure about the therapist then try another, because with the right therapist you will both massively benefit. As a previous response says, infidelity is not the worst thing to happen (although it certainly feels like it) and sometimes these things can be a wake up call and the start of something wonderful. Xx

[Manhere]

Spreading of seed? Scientific?
Firstly that's nonsense generalisation, different animal species have very different behaviours.
Please don't excuse (mostly) men's promiscuity as some kind of biological urge, that old hoary belongs with 'boys will be boys' and grants permission for a whole host of nastier behaviours/misogyny and other pillars of the patriarchy and I write that as a man.

To the OP, Brene Brown TED talk about infidelity is insightful

[Janet14]

Manhere don’t disagree with you, just saying as previous posters have said emphasis shouldn’t all be on fidelity…..it should be an entire picture and that is just part of it so not always a deal breaker….

[Vicki W]

Lack of intimacy and cheating sound like they may be intertwined with the fact you have 3 children to take care of.  Lying is a remover of trust, and trust is essential to intimacy.  So is the workload of raising 3 children.  I think both of you need to be doing a bit of separate counselling to see whether the intimacy issues were brought about by lying in other areas that brought about the intimacy issues, or maybe the workload of child raising needs to be redistributed a bit?  The lack of intimacy and the cheating seems like they are symptoms of a more hidden issue rather than just arriving out of nowhere.

Either way, it must have been hugely shocking and I send you a big hug and hope you resolve it for the better for both of you and your children.

[Paulette]

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[Janet14]

Very well said Paulette and put better than what I was trying to get across. I should add that following on from my father’s infidelity which sadly did involve a lot of lying my brother is now in a poly-amorous relationship (he and his wife both have the same girlfriend) so no lying and all parties very happy. Do what works for you x

[Benicetoo]

hi
You may have identified the issue that the lack of intimacy you say was 'only a problem for him, but not for me' which is not good teamwork in this area.

It also sounds as if it has been a significant ongoing issue for your partner where he was prepared to risk losing you and the marriage.
Agree with others a new relationship will be needed after this discovery, if you are to stay together satisfactory to both people..
Warning signs are there and it's up to both of you to be honest and make efforts how this is resolved.

Either partner can decide not to continue when dust is settled again especially if the 'status quo' isnt working for one person (whether man or woman).

Not the end if you can work things out as a couple . Hopefully you can get through together.

[What_to_do]

Thank you all very much for your kind and insightful responses, I have found them all reassuring.

We have arranged to have couples therapy but in the meantime have been talking openly and (to his surprise) have found a new path of intimacy!

I feel it will be a long road but believe we will be ok!

Thank you all again for taking the time to reply.