My Voice Matters

Last Updated on : 31st January 2024

Lulu Luckock of Lulu Luckock Counselling reveals the ways in which we, as parents, can give our children a voice by ensuring we are listening to them and so developing their emotional confidence.

Mental Health Week runs from 5-11 February and was launched to give voice to all children and young people in the UK. The theme for 2024 is My Voice Matters.

Having a parent who listens creates a child who believes he or she has a voice that matters in this world.

How can you help children find their voice?

The ideal scenario for my parents was that their children should be seen and not heard. Like many of us, I grew up thinking there were three emotions: happy, angry and sad.

Angry was unacceptable – calm down now, or go to your room until you’ve settled down.

Sad was met with a tissue (please wipe the tears away and wash your face). No one likes you when you cry like that.

The goal was to always be happy.

Imagine how many lives and relationships would be different if we’d grown up receiving the message – Of course you feel that way, you are human.

Did your voice matter when you were a child?

If not, perhaps it’s worthwhile reflecting on how you are choosing to intentionally parent your children.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Do you actively listen to your child when they have something to say?
Do you finish off your child’s sentences for them?
Do you speak louder and above your child thinking that you know better?
Does your child’s voice matter or is your voice the one that always knows best?
Are you able to listen without judgement to your child’s experience and give them permission to feel the way they feel, or do you assume you know better and swoop in and try to sort, fix, and resolve?

What did you surmise from your answers?

We all want our children to grow up to be well-adjusted, autonomous grown-ups who can speak for themselves.

Here are 10 simple tips to help your children find their voice.

Make time every day to connect and listen to your child speak about how they are without judgment. Make it a part of your daily routine whether at bedtime, on the way to school or whenever works best for you. Make time – there is always time.
Listen and validate their experience as it is for them, not as it seems to be for you. Paraphrase and feed back to them what they are saying so they know you are listening, and you know you are listening too. Respect what they have to say, remember, you don’t have to be right.
Teach them a nuanced emotional vocabulary so they can truly understand and express the way they feel. Are they feeling sad or are they actually feeling lonely? Our emotions are like messengers who have something to say; we need to learn to listen and become emotional detectives.
Let your child speak for themselves whenever possible, for example in a shop or café, with their teachers, on public transport.
Role-play challenging emotional scenarios, like being pushed around by a ‘friend’ or feeling uncomfortable about someone’s behaviour towards them. Brainstorm with your child how best to manage uncomfortable, difficult situations. Support them as they problem solve. Support them, don’t fix it for them.
Help them to practise using their voice, in an emotionally regulated way so they are heard. Show them how you do it.
Teach them how they don’t need to people please.
Teach them how to set boundaries.
Show them how and why their voice matters in your family; what do they know best, what are they the expert in?
Show them how you use your voice to make a difference.

If we want to raise responsible, confident, independent children, whose voices matter, we must make space for them to be heard and seen for who they are and not, perhaps, who we wish them to be.

“Responsibility is fostered by allowing children a voice and wherever indicated a choice in matters that affect them.” Haim Ginott